DSS saying hasn’t got enough space in shared bedroom

[Tryingtoaccomodateeveryone]

I’m trying my best to make it work and he’s being really ungrateful.

Me and dp have 2 ds (6 and 8) and dss is 15. 2 bed house (one very large bedroom one smaller that fits a double bed and one chest of drawers). Ds were sharing with 2 single beds in there and when dss stayed which used to be EOW me and dp would have the sofa bed downstairs.

Dss has now moved in with us so I got Ds 6 and 8 a bunkbed, a single bed for dss, a desk for dss, a small cupboard and cleared half the wardrobe so he had space for clothes. Put up 3 shelves for his things and used ikea shelves with storage boxes to partition half the room. It looks really nice. He’s furious . He wants our room as needs ‘privacy and quiet to study’.

My dc only use the room from 8-830pm each night as in the day they play downstairs. I’ve tried really hard to make this work (it was very last min due to an issue with dp ex).

I think it’s ok ? We can’t partition fully as renting. We can’t afford a bigger house so this is the best option. He thinks we should share a room with Ds 6 and 8 as wants his own space.

Apologies haven’t read the whole thread but I would either split the big room properly (with a wall) and give him half, even if small, or I would sleep downstairs with DP (get a better sofa bed and keep clothes/ toiletries etc in the study).

Neither is ideal but this is for a relatively short time in all likelihood and he needs his own space, definitely.

He thinks you should share with your kids and he has his own room? He must realise how f up this is?

I mean it's not the best situation but I think you should talk to him and understand what the issue is and what he needs exactly and try to work around that.

The study sounds like a good option for him to play and study and maybe he can sleep in the living room? I don't know what the best solution is bur definitely not for you to share with 2 children while he has a whole room.

I would give him a bedroom, you move into the living room on a sofa bed, use the study as your storage. DH and I only use our bedroom for getting dressed and sleeping, so sofa bed and a dressing room would work ok for us.
It's a big for a 15yo with major disruption to share with two little boys. It will only be a for a few years, and hopefully you can work on getting a house big enough for all DHs children...

Exactly.

Some kids have had far worse trauma and are sharing a room in a hostel or a studio flat.

Kids today….!
Don’t move the youngest two in with you, they deserve their own space too. They’re not toddlers. You can’t push their needs aside for someone else’s wants.
The 3 boys either share the largest room, or if the step son prefers, sofa bed himself. He can have access to study after school either way. Or do what I did, use the library after school!! It’s madness he expects you and his father to not have a bedroom as he’d prefer his own. The entitlement is off the roof. Plenty of children share rooms with their siblings, even with large age gaps. If it was our grandparents generation the 3 of them would probably be squeezed into a double bed….!
He does not need his own room. Sure, he might want one. But it’s not practical. So he’ll just have to make do, and can’t go through life expecting other people to suffer to the extent they don’t have a bed, or his younger siblings suffer just because he wants something. He needs to be more considerate and understanding that other people are people too…!

If one bedroom is much larger could you use large kallax units or wardrobes facing different ways to provide a temporary partition? There are lots of good ideas if you google. Good luck with it, you sound like you're doing your best x

What about when the others need 'privacy'? He can't be allowed to make demands now or it will never end as he gets older, it sounds as though the OP and her partner as trying to make the best of a difficult situation at the moment.

He needs a place to study, but it doesn't have to be a full bedroom.
Keep your bedroom and make the study his space for the evenings/when the young ones are around.

Yes give him the study.
He's not entitled as pp said. He's traumatised.

Gosh some people aren't reading this properly are they.

No this is NOT entitlement.

This is a traumatised 15year old for home something awful has happened to his mother.

And coming into a family that didn't know him when he was a young child.

If he was being fostered he would be given space to study and sleep. Having no space of his own is really really hard.

This is very different to growing up sharing with a sibling.

I really think of renting SS should be able to offer help here as surely placing a child they need to look at the living situation.

He’s too old to share a room with them, even if it’s partitioned off. My sons would both really hate that and would probably rather not sleep there at all if I’m honest. He needs more privacy, it’s not the same as the other kids being downstairs a lot.

Sounds like a nightmare for all concerned and not very tenable.

Poor kid 💔

I would definitely convert the study into his only space.
No one else should use it or store stuff in.

I would completely re-do it.

Ask him what colour he wants it painted, get a couple of posters etc and try and get some gaming bits
(hopefully you can get some decent second hand things now it’s after Xmas).

The process of doing something that’s just for him will be as good as the space itself.

Make sure DH has a lot of alone time with him too.
They could start a new hobby together.

He is going to be confused and angry for quite a while.
Having 1-1 time with DH doing a hobby, preferably one that includes exercise or being outdoors like bike riding or go karting even, will really help him.

I would keep him in the bedroom for now but make sure the younger 2 don’t wake him up in the mornings.
Tell him that you will come up with a more permanent solution but right now he’ll have to compromise with the study space.

Perhaps a loft conversion or something in the future?

You sound lovely OP and this is a very difficult situation.

If this is a long term arrangement then be very careful about giving up your room.
There are 4 other people to consider too in the house.

Of course he is very upset but you are making the best of a difficult situation all round.

Letting him have the study to use and for him to share with his brothers makes the most sense. Could he game in the study too?

Agree he's lucky to have OP.

Who is 'they'?

What do you think they do if half siblings are sharing bedrooms????

No one is inspecting kids bedrooms. Thousands of children share rooms.

I also agree that if you can get the money together to build a conservatory onto the kitchen and turn that into the lounge, then you sleep in the lounge that would be a good idea, and the extra space would also be helpful in the longer term I assume.

Loft conversion? Conservatory? 🤦‍♀️ They’re renting

Is there no way of renting a bigger place in a cheaper area?

Its only going to get harder as your dc get older.

was it wise to have two kids yourselves if you can only afford a 2 bed?

They're renting, they can't do that.

I know he's starting school next week, OP, but I think it's a mistake to rush into rearranging/redecorating your whole house to find a permanent solution by next week.

Obviously he'll need somewhere to study and to have restful sleep, but given that you've rearranged things already and it didn't work out, and given everyone's lives have been suddenly changed (including your other DC), it sounds like you all need more time to think through what will actually work for your family specifically before trying to get everything perfect by next week in time for school.

I would clear out the study for him and make sure he has that space just for him, and then reassure him that you will all come up with a longer-term solution but that you can't magic everything to be perfect in an instant so he will have to be a bit patient.

It's understandable that he had expectations based on his EOW experience of your house, but he should also be able to understand that expecting all four of you to bunk in together or sleep on the sofa for several years is not a workable solution.

@Tryingtoaccomodateeveryone I think you’re doing a fabulous job with what you have available to you. I also think you are putting the needs of your DSS first, which is commendable. Wishing you all, all the best. Traumatised teens are not always the easiest to deal with. Thankyou for caring, I wish my parents and step parents had put as much thought in as you ❤️

OP what would you have done if your own 2nd was a girl? Do that.

That's what is described in the first post that they started with.

I would give over the study to him. Presumably he’ll have friends over at some point and can be in there. And then if a temporary partition of the biggest bedroom is impossible I’d probably get a decent day bed in the living room just for sleeping in, for him, not you. I’d definitely speak to whomever placed him permanently with you too, see what they can suggest.

Ah man, I’m just going to say it. There’s a safeguarding issue with him sharing with two young boys. At his age he will undoubtedly be exploring his body on a regular basis which is a healthy thing to do, he definitely needs his own space. If you want to stand any chance of keeping a sex life with your partner I’d get a decent sofa bed for the front room rather than bunk up with the younger boys. Bless you for supporting this young lad who’s had his world tipped upside down xx