DSS saying hasn’t got enough space in shared bedroom

[Tryingtoaccomodateeveryone]

I’m trying my best to make it work and he’s being really ungrateful.

Me and dp have 2 ds (6 and 8) and dss is 15. 2 bed house (one very large bedroom one smaller that fits a double bed and one chest of drawers). Ds were sharing with 2 single beds in there and when dss stayed which used to be EOW me and dp would have the sofa bed downstairs.

Dss has now moved in with us so I got Ds 6 and 8 a bunkbed, a single bed for dss, a desk for dss, a small cupboard and cleared half the wardrobe so he had space for clothes. Put up 3 shelves for his things and used ikea shelves with storage boxes to partition half the room. It looks really nice. He’s furious . He wants our room as needs ‘privacy and quiet to study’.

My dc only use the room from 8-830pm each night as in the day they play downstairs. I’ve tried really hard to make this work (it was very last min due to an issue with dp ex).

I think it’s ok ? We can’t partition fully as renting. We can’t afford a bigger house so this is the best option. He thinks we should share a room with Ds 6 and 8 as wants his own space.

Really difficult. Today's expectations are for big bedrooms and everyone has their own space. You can't provide that, and are doing what you can for him. Do whatever you can to make it better, but ultimately you don't have any options. He will have to live with it, as hundreds of thousands of children have done throughout history and still are doing across the world. Nothing wrong with it at all, that's just the situation.

Exactly! It's tough!. This is life. Imperfect!. He has to learn to live with the life ge has!. It's ridiculous to expect the parents to sleep in the living room. They have done their best.

Just to add you sound like a great step-parent, OP. Often I see SPs on here bemoaning the existence of their DSCs. He’ll appreciate you in the long run.

For several reasons I would find a way to give the boy his own room.

So I would either share with the younger two or buy a good sofa bed for the living room.

Reasons being ;

• you say when he stayed with you occasionally before that you gave him your room. He will probably have been imagining that would be possible for him now (and there isn't a real reason not to do that).

• poor wee soul sounds like he's been through A LOT and very failed by the adults around him. I would want to give him privacy to lick his wounds and try to recover.

• the household will be happier and calmer if he is given privacy and shown that he matters.

• he will be measurably happier (or at least less unhappy).

• it's possible to do (and not doing it will confirm to him that he's an inconvenience).

• it won't be forever and as adults you and your DH can see that. But 15 year olds live in the here and now and what's happening now is of great importance to him.

• it will show him you care and are listening and I imagine he could do with a lot of that.

Why??? He’s a child. The parents need a bedroom.

You sound like a really kind person OP. Longer term you need 3 bedrooms but that’ll take a while to sort out. Best of luck in the meantime 💐

@Tryingtoaccomodateeveryone
I hope everything works out, and your DSS settles down soon.
You sound absolutely lovely, he's very lucky to have you looking out for his best interests x

Thats a tough situation OP, I think him having the study but sleeping in the shared room is the best option given you don't have means to move, giving up your bedroom indefinitely is going to be a physical and mental strain. If your relationship breaks down then DSS life will be turned upside down again.

Realistically, there isn't anything you can do. If you are entitled to benefits, perhaps you partner can move out temporarily with the older son.

Sorry OP I see moving isn't an option but that you're going with speaking to DSS, he will probably appreciate feeling consulted rather than told I'm sure. Sounds like you are all doing your best in a bad (for DSS) situation, and trying to be as welcoming as possible to him

He gets your room and you sleep on sofa bed in living room.

Agreed. Also the lack of family space for the younger boys will have a negative affect on them if the parents turn the family room into their bedroom. They will be driven to their room to play and the elder one will just camp out in his bedroom.

I second this. You're doing a fab job op xx

I agree. Your DH has created this situation, having more kids than he can comfortably house.

You need to either give him your room or find a bed that can fit in the study.

Just to say I think you are doing an excellent job in very difficult circumstances. It's so refreshing after reading posts from so many awful step-parents on here over the years- and they knew they were step-parents from the start of their marriage!

I really hope everything works out for all of you. I would strongly recommend getting your step-son some counselling, as he's effectively lost two parents in his short life.

Does he have any contact with the man he thought was his father for the first 6 or 7 years of his life? And will he be having any contact with his mother going forward?

I know he's going through trauma at the moment, but the partitioning of the room from the younger boys sounds great and you've already compromised and tried to make him a lovely space.

He'd take anything out on you, right now OP, so bear with it. Let him use the study in the evenings for his gaming and eventually he'll learn that you're trying your very best for him. For those posters who are suggesting you give up your bedroom, why should you? You've already tried to accommodate his needs and tbh whatever you do doesn't sound like he'd appreciate it.

What does your DH say to all this?

It's not ideal but it is what is available. Is it "ideal" for 2 adults to sleep on a sofa bed in the lounge?

Any chance of sticking a conservatory onto the back of the house? Making this a living area and then you can have front room as a bedroom.

Sounds really tough OP, hope it will all work out.

He didn’t know he was father to the elder son when he planned more. Mitigating circumstances surely?

What?! How about the older boy accepting that the room has been lovingly adapted by his very caring stepmother and living with it?

They rent

OP you sound so lovely... And having a loving and accommodating person/ family is a mighty big step for him.

Wishing you all the best and hope the talk will go okay with all the support you are giving him and your DH, to explore the best approach in the circumstances. Best Wishes.

The house is rented and who would have money for a conservatory when OP has clearly said they can't afford a three bed property?

If you were in a council house I'm not sure they'd allow a 15 year old to share a bedroom with a 5 and 8 year old if not fully related?

I appreciate you're doing your best, I think the study sounds like a good compromise.

Rookie error posting about this on MN where posters would have you believe that any child sharing a bedroom is suffering a violation of their human rights. Sharing bedrooms, even with big age gaps, used to be the norm.

Its ridiculous to have four of you - adults and children - sharing one bedroom so that the 15 year old has "his own space" is not going to help you, the younger children or even the 15 year old to deal with his emotional difficulties over parents.

If the three boys have the larger room can the "study" be your office in the day but his space in the evenings after work? So that the large bedroom is just for sleeping and he still has study space?

There are five of you and you all have needs. Guilt is a bad reason to override the needs of four people for the one. Its better fo look at alternative compromises which don't require the rest of the family to be "punished" for a situation not made by any one of you.