DSS saying hasn’t got enough space in shared bedroom

[Tryingtoaccomodateeveryone]

I’m trying my best to make it work and he’s being really ungrateful.

Me and dp have 2 ds (6 and 8) and dss is 15. 2 bed house (one very large bedroom one smaller that fits a double bed and one chest of drawers). Ds were sharing with 2 single beds in there and when dss stayed which used to be EOW me and dp would have the sofa bed downstairs.

Dss has now moved in with us so I got Ds 6 and 8 a bunkbed, a single bed for dss, a desk for dss, a small cupboard and cleared half the wardrobe so he had space for clothes. Put up 3 shelves for his things and used ikea shelves with storage boxes to partition half the room. It looks really nice. He’s furious . He wants our room as needs ‘privacy and quiet to study’.

My dc only use the room from 8-830pm each night as in the day they play downstairs. I’ve tried really hard to make this work (it was very last min due to an issue with dp ex).

I think it’s ok ? We can’t partition fully as renting. We can’t afford a bigger house so this is the best option. He thinks we should share a room with Ds 6 and 8 as wants his own space.

Well done op and ops husband. Best of luck to your SS with his GCSES.

brilliant, thanks for the update. great solution.

I was thinking he'd be quiet 🤫 going upstairs but we all know what teens are like either bringing friends back or rattling around making toast or whatever.

I think people sleeping in the living room would be a real pain very quickly. No matter what way round the Op does it.

And I don't think the parents sharing with the young boys is appropriate either.

The only sensible option is the boys share and he uses the study as a seperate space.

What an excellent outcome OP! Glad the landlord was understanding and accommodating. There have been some uncalled for comments on here. Good luck to you and your family in the New Year,

Great outcome. Well done op for being so sensitive to what this boy has just gone through.

Definitely discuss with your social worker - they will help you find a housing solution that's practical and financially viable in the mid term. Depending on what your DSS has been through they could also help with therapy which can be infornal therapy eg activities run by staff trained to work with young people who have been through trauma rather than just sitting and talking.

They could also help with school liaison (eg will he need catch up sessions if doing different subjects or exam boards or just studying topics in a different order.) They may also help you access other local activities or groups or mentoring /youth worker input for him to help him stay busy and on track in this crucial time.

But most of all, your ability to see what was under the surface of his behaviour was so refreshing and inspiring. Good luck!

Op rather than going to the expense of properly dividing it would wardrobes down the middle work?

I think I'm a minority here but I don't think you should give up your room, especially if this is long term. I would stick with your current set up, but say to him the study is entirely his to use a man cave for studying/gaming/chilling/ whatever it is, and unless a bed really can't fit in there, he just then uses the bed sharing the room with his brother's room to sleep in.
Realistically though as your boys get older you will need to find a 3 bed I think

That's a great update - so good your landlord understood the problem. Your DSS having his own space to escape to must be so important to him with everything changing around him. You must feel really relieved. Happy New Year, OP.

Great outcome.
wishing you all a better new year

Agree @Sunholidays

OP, I have no doubt that you are doing your absolute best.
But yeah, I think he's going to need the smaller of the bedrooms to himself.
Do you know if this is going to be a temporary arrangement?

Good luck @Tryingtoaccomodateeveryone You sound like a caring sensible person. I hope your DSS comes to appreciate you.

With 2 young kids and a teen about. 🤣🤣

I'm so very glad your DSS has a caring family to respect his needs when everything is up in the air for him. 15 is rough even without trauma. He'll absolutely need that study/ gaming space for his sanity and everyone else's. I hope he gets good support at school for his study and emotional/ mental health.

Just to say that I think that you sound like a really great understanding Step Mum and are doing a great job in difficult circumstances. Your husband and DS are lucky to have you. Best of luck and a Happy New Year!

This.

That is an understatement!

It s staggering to think of the number of fms who think it would be acceptable for two children and two adults to cram together in one room whilst the dss has a bedroom all to himself. The effect upon the family and the build up of resentment from the two younger children, in particular, would be enormous.
Well done, OP, for managing to find the best possible solution in the circumstances.

So happy with your outcome, OP. I don’t think anyone should be on a sofa bed in a living room. You sound very caring. Great that your DH can have proper chats with DSS. Their talks and 1:1 time will be crucial. Wishing you all the best of luck. 💕

Hopefully the partition (not sure what that entails) works out, but it would be better the get a bigger place. It is really very inappropriate for a 15 year old teenage boy to be sharing with a 6 and 8 year old, and very, very unfair to him. So wrong on several levels, his anger and discomfort is justifiable. I feel so sorry for him. I hope you apologised to him?

increasing earning potential needs to be the number 1 priority for this family if they’ve been in this property for what appears many years.

Either more hours, second job or… if either of you skilled - better paid job

I hope you apologised to him?

Let’s hope she didn’t.

Why not? She put a 15 year old teenage boy, in with two 6 and 8 year old kids, and ignored his pleas. She owes him a big apology. She even insisted this boy, who needs his privacy and space to study was 'ungrateful'. wtf? and "he's acting like a spoilt brat' - what a nasty person! If I were her husband I would be concerned at her attitude to children. She doesn't seem to understand the needs and rights of children very well.

@IdylicDay let's hope his mother apologises to him for lying about his father and putting everyone in this awkward situation. The OP owes absolutely no apology, they have done everything they could have and in case you haven't noticed we are in a cost of living crisis and rental properties are becoming increasingly sparse and expensive so it's not easy to just move somewhere else.

His mother according to OP didn't know who the father was, she didn't actually lie. And his mother doing wrong does not justify OP's poor treatment of this boy and dismissing his needs and rights. If they couldn't house him properly, they shouldn't have agreed to take him in. Simple.

@IdylicDay really? You think a lack of space is worse than this boy being rejected/losing more family?

Priorities.