DSS saying hasn’t got enough space in shared bedroom

[Tryingtoaccomodateeveryone]

I’m trying my best to make it work and he’s being really ungrateful.

Me and dp have 2 ds (6 and 8) and dss is 15. 2 bed house (one very large bedroom one smaller that fits a double bed and one chest of drawers). Ds were sharing with 2 single beds in there and when dss stayed which used to be EOW me and dp would have the sofa bed downstairs.

Dss has now moved in with us so I got Ds 6 and 8 a bunkbed, a single bed for dss, a desk for dss, a small cupboard and cleared half the wardrobe so he had space for clothes. Put up 3 shelves for his things and used ikea shelves with storage boxes to partition half the room. It looks really nice. He’s furious . He wants our room as needs ‘privacy and quiet to study’.

My dc only use the room from 8-830pm each night as in the day they play downstairs. I’ve tried really hard to make this work (it was very last min due to an issue with dp ex).

I think it’s ok ? We can’t partition fully as renting. We can’t afford a bigger house so this is the best option. He thinks we should share a room with Ds 6 and 8 as wants his own space.

to what post?

I didn't mean you but I've just had a quick look back and it seems you and I were on complete opposite sides of the 'debate' yesterday 😂.

So you want to punish the parents for the late discovery of a child whose mother had not notified the father and for not being able to afford a permanent guest room for a chlld only there four nights a month (and for whom they already had been giving their own bedroom). And you want to punish the younger children who can't have space and comfort either?

This mindset that solo bedrooms and material things are the answer to the boy's problems is very MN where a shared bedroom is a human rights violation and spending time with the boy, caring for the boy and talking with him (as the OP and her DH are doing) are meaningless.

In real world families live like this and children have to share and accommodate each other even in difficult times. Skills which are useful to everyone, not just those who have to share.

I was responded to the request for a screenshot of the laughing emojis.

why did you have it deleted.

I can't respond on the app but I would have given a 😂 as well. Be great if MN could put the reaction function on the app.

a laughing emoji seems a somewhat strange response given what this poor boy has endured

I know a partition was ruled out but you can get excellent temporary walls that fix cosmetically to the walls and ceilings and appear like they are solid. Obviously you need to decide which room gets the window (if only one) so if the younger kids only use their rooms to sleep then they can have the darker space.

I do wonder if the main issue is that dss moved to yours expecting the usual weekend set up to be permanent i.e. that he would just get your room. It's understandable that with all that upheaval he would react with disappointment and frustration. I'm sure he will understand that the two adults losing their private space isn't ideal either.

It sounds like having that conversation with him is the right thing to do. Let him be part of the discussion. Hopefully whatever compromise is reached will be temporary anyway and you can find a bigger rental in a year or two.

I deleted it because the screenshot I posted had the names visible of posters who had reacted and I think this is supposed to be a private or anonymous feature. So I’ll crop it this time.

They haven’t for the past at least 8 years
and op says moving not on the cards

That was exactly my point. I was surprised so many laughed at what I wrote but there you have it.

if i was their LL
not sure how happy id be at partitions being put up

Just read all your posts OP and it sounds like a tricky and sad situation 😞 one thing jumped out, he doesn't want to cry. Please can you reassure him that humans with penis's absolutely can and do cry and it's very healthy to cry and have the emotional release. Of course at 15 he probably won't want to cry in front of you but could you make him a space, the study perhaps and he can put a do not disturb sign or something on the door when it all gets a bit much and he needs some alone time to just let the overwhelming feelings out? You could then also ask him to let you know if he would rather you didn't acknowledge it after, give him a hug, talk about it etc.
I hope you find a solution that works for you all, breath through the rudeness when it's obvious masking and pull him up when it is just rudeness and constantly reassure him that no matter what, this is his home now for as long as he wants it not just until he's 18, that he's not going to get another new parent, this is his family and he is loved and safe

Why not, as long as it’s put back to how it was when they leave?

I think you and DH should sleep in the living room on a sofa bed permanently.

IKEA do a great sofa bed, called frihten or something like that. It's huge, like a king size and has a flip up but to store bedding.

You say you have a study downstairs, that could be where you and your DH store your clothes.

It's not fair on dss.

And also I wouldn't want young kids sleeping in the same room as a teen either.

Young kids need privacy from teen and teen needs privacy from young kids.

I think big room goes to two young kids. And smaller room goes to teen on his own.

He's 15 and he needs his space and also support from you and your DH, especially if his mum has been troublesome.

Set some ground rules that no one is to come downstairs after certain time, even better if you can fit a small lock to inside of living room door, as both you and your DH also need your privacy.

You've plenty of time to sort this all out for everyone in the household before schools go back.

Just assure him it's been an oversight on yours and your DH part, and you'd now all like to work together to make a better situation.

You’re doing your best. Let him throw his tantrum 🤷‍♀️ He’s just going to have to live with it sadly as you can’t magic up extra room.

Have you read all the OP’s posts? This isn’t a “tantrum”. This kid has had his entire life upended - new home, new school and now no bedroom. How would you feel, do you think?

I don't think it's particularly fair on the 6 and 8 year old that they've got you moving in with them. You're going to be coming to bed later than them and so disturbing them. Your DH works long hours so potentially has odd sleeping patterns. In a couple of years when DSS is doing A Levels so still needs privacy DS1 will be hitting puberty and still sharing a room with his Mom.

Yes DSS needs a solution but your other kids aren't unimportant either

OP understands this isn’t a tantrum, she understands that her SS has gone through something traumatic and is reacting to that. Poor kid.

I pity your kids if you have any if this would be your attitude to them going through something traumatic.

I'd give him the study and keep his bed in the bedroom with the other boys.

Then he's got somewhere to game 🎮 and do homework away for the other kids. It's also means your able to keep an eye on what's going on with gaming.

Presumably the other two will go to bed much earlier than him too. Another option is he has desk and gaming space in your room but that makes less sense than him being downstairs in the study.

If you love the man you live with and if the boy is welcome , give him a room and you sleep in the living room

or to be practical, let him sleep downstairs. Just lock the fridge

I'd never do that.

People sleeping in the living room is never ideal. The boy is 15 in less than 3 years he could be clubbing to 3/4 in the morning.
So then he's likely to disturb parents coming in if they are in the living room.

And if you do it the other way round him in the living room them it means he'll be grumpy teen getting woken in the morning with the other kids.

It's also a pain if people want to go to bed when others are still up. I would really think hard before I considered that an option.

Not rtft but if this was me I'd give all 3 boys the bigger bedroom with a partition that's easily removable and I'd use the smaller room. Thats if he rejects having the study as a private place to revise.
Sometimes people (including teens) just have to make do!