DSS saying hasn’t got enough space in shared bedroom

[Tryingtoaccomodateeveryone]

I’m trying my best to make it work and he’s being really ungrateful.

Me and dp have 2 ds (6 and 8) and dss is 15. 2 bed house (one very large bedroom one smaller that fits a double bed and one chest of drawers). Ds were sharing with 2 single beds in there and when dss stayed which used to be EOW me and dp would have the sofa bed downstairs.

Dss has now moved in with us so I got Ds 6 and 8 a bunkbed, a single bed for dss, a desk for dss, a small cupboard and cleared half the wardrobe so he had space for clothes. Put up 3 shelves for his things and used ikea shelves with storage boxes to partition half the room. It looks really nice. He’s furious . He wants our room as needs ‘privacy and quiet to study’.

My dc only use the room from 8-830pm each night as in the day they play downstairs. I’ve tried really hard to make this work (it was very last min due to an issue with dp ex).

I think it’s ok ? We can’t partition fully as renting. We can’t afford a bigger house so this is the best option. He thinks we should share a room with Ds 6 and 8 as wants his own space.

Being uncomfortable sleeping in the lounge which is what we'd probably do would be just expected and the result of our own choices whereas for a lot of low income people their comfort seems to come first with kids almost being like second class citizens. They aren't.

oh dear, let’s hope no other low income people bother posting …

Or anyone who enjoys all inclusive holidays.

Unfortunately that does seem to be very common on this site now. A Few years back I got some amazing support while undergoing treatment. I am not sure I would ask for help, advice or support here now. Too many people just seem to be here just to pounce, soometimes in a nasty way.

From what I get from your posts your post your really trying your best with this child that has endured so much trauma already in his life. I hope things turn out okay with the bedroom switch and your ss gets some counselling and makes good friends in his new school to start to feel secure and safe again. I also hope that maybe one day you could move to a bigger property close to the school he is starting so you can have a room again too.

It's people who demand their child takes priority over the other children when they (step-children) go to visit/stay with their Dad. They're all over every single thread started by a step-mother.

Because yours was one of the first few to comment, if anyone else had pretended people had been saying things they hadnt I'd of commented on that. As it happens you were the only one pretending other posters had said things they hadnt.

The OP saying he was ungrateful isnt the same as your comment saying people responding

If your going to say silly things online dont be offended if someones going to pull you up on it.

I didn’t pretend anything - totally bemusing how you have responded to my comment.

And whatever you do OP, DON'T hold him to any standards to be an understanding, reasonable or accommodating young man. He is allowed to be demanding, he is allowed to expect rooms and space in a house out of thin air, he is allowed to show a rubbish attitude and not be challenged on it. When your parents aren't together any more you become the centre of the universe, everyone would apparently be well placed to remember that.

Good grief. Yes, this is his home as much as anyone else's, yes he has a rightful place in it - but this is the family he has, this is the house they have, he needs to fit in accordingly. Is it ideal? Maybe not, but it is what it is and it's far from the end of the world.

And also you can’t see how people responded to my comment. Many people laughing at my suggestion that the boy should have his own room. This was astounding to me.

If you and DP do move downstairs, the two small children should share the larger of the two bedrooms.

No she said he was "acting like a spoilt brat but I’m trying to ignore it as I think it’s actually unhappiness and trauma not actual genuine rude behaviour"

Truncating the most important part of the sentence is extremely misleading. Its not surprising he is acting up in the current situation - that doesn't mean he isn't acting up it just means its understandable at the moment.

Nor is it unreasonable of the OP to feel frustrated that he isn't willing to engage with any of the efforts they have made to mitigate sharing a room - its just something they need to suck up as part of the current situation.

None of this means that he should have his own room whilst two adults and two children share the remaining room. They need to find a solution which respects needs of all the members of the family and incorporates him into every day life rather than visitor life, not throw sweets at the unhappy child to make him shut up.

Yes this is what you need to do. It isn't about having space to study, it's about having his own sanctuary to retreat to that is his. He doesn't want to he chucked out at 8pm when the little ones go to bed!! Teens need space and comfort

What? Where are they supposed to sleep then? What a ridiculous comment. Possibly the larger room can be shared between the three children and the OP and DH move into the smaller bedroom but if the beds fit then they don’t have to, especially if there is a separate study downstairs.

Like others have suggested- a sofa bed in the lounge. I know people who have done this. None of the options are ideal.

And adults don't need space and comfort? At 15 he will likely still be living with them when the 8 year old becomes a teen - what about that chld's space and privacy?

There are five people and two bedrooms - its not reasonable for one person to have a solo bedroom. It is reasonable to mitigate as much as the building will allow in the larger of the two bedrooms and by making the study his in the evenings (or after school) at least for a trial period. The real issues the boy faces are not going to be addressed by giving rooms, toys or anything else material - it ill be addressed by time, reassurance and talking and all of them learning to share the space as best possible.

And adults don't need space and comfort?
The adults are responsible for the current set up, not the kids.

I would put the 3DC in your room and you move into theirs. Still let him use the study for homework and revision.

I don't think sex trumps the poor lads trauma at the moment.
I really don't. Adults need to suck it up.

Having gad three years of dealing with mental health. I would give him the space he needs.

You sound lovely for thinking about it.

Can't share with younger kids.

The Op is in the small bedroom, the 3 dc share the big bedroom. Why do you think they should swap?

Since then, 2 more people have called him a brat.
The number of grown-ups on here berating an abused child is disgraceful.
8 years is plenty of time to apply to the council or find a bigger home to rent.

It’s not about sex though, is it? The adults work and have 3 minors to provide for and support. They also need a place to unwind, talk, get away from everything, sleep in if one of them is sick, etc.

The living room in theory sounds good, but then every morning they both need to get up, put all their set up away and then do it all back again at night - this is going to get tiring quickly with 2 little kids to look after. Plus they won’t really have a place to hang out that’s neutral. Living rooms are crucial if there isn’t a kitchen they can all have a meal together at.

go on then…. post a snap shot showing all these laughing reactions

That he should have his own room in a house that doesn't have a room for him to have as his own? Well, that IS laughable so I don't know why you're astounded that people laughed.

I hate that laughing reaction, it’s seems to be used to mock.

Sooo... put the children in the much smaller room?