DSS saying hasn’t got enough space in shared bedroom

[Tryingtoaccomodateeveryone]

I’m trying my best to make it work and he’s being really ungrateful.

Me and dp have 2 ds (6 and 8) and dss is 15. 2 bed house (one very large bedroom one smaller that fits a double bed and one chest of drawers). Ds were sharing with 2 single beds in there and when dss stayed which used to be EOW me and dp would have the sofa bed downstairs.

Dss has now moved in with us so I got Ds 6 and 8 a bunkbed, a single bed for dss, a desk for dss, a small cupboard and cleared half the wardrobe so he had space for clothes. Put up 3 shelves for his things and used ikea shelves with storage boxes to partition half the room. It looks really nice. He’s furious . He wants our room as needs ‘privacy and quiet to study’.

My dc only use the room from 8-830pm each night as in the day they play downstairs. I’ve tried really hard to make this work (it was very last min due to an issue with dp ex).

I think it’s ok ? We can’t partition fully as renting. We can’t afford a bigger house so this is the best option. He thinks we should share a room with Ds 6 and 8 as wants his own space.

Why can’t it be for gaming?

Seriously, he just obviously gone through something traumatic, will not see his mum for a while, has to go live with his dad who hasn’t treated him the best with no space for his stuff in a cramped room and has to move school leave all his friends behind.

Cut the kid some slack. Let him have some fun and take his mind off things. It’s also worth remember that gaming online might be the only way to currently connect with friends from his old school.

@JRSKSSBH Hating on abused kids doesn’t make you cool mate.

now “had a vasectomy” (which would have cost in the region of £600)

Another child would've cost a lot more.

I mean there is something obviously serious gone wrong here. I’m assuming since she can’t talk about it, it’s something to do with the kids begging harmed in some way.

Im not saying that he would definitely told his dad. Far from it. However, if the relationship was better, those chances are certainly higher, not definite but higher. Because he definitely wasn’t going to tell him by the way his dad has pushed him to the side.

Is there space for the family to eat in the kitchen/gather and watch TV? If so make the living room a bedroom for you. Hemnes sofa bed, can be a double or couch. Need a good mattress topper if sleeping on it long term.

Not ideal for sure.

I do feel for him, and you sound so lovely OP, but it was a bit silly giving him those 3 options when the third will be much more appealing for him than the other two. I will assume it’s too late and you’ve now lost your bedroom, which isn’t great for you and your DH, and is going to disrupt your other two kids. I’ve definitely seen temporary partitions built in rented houses on Instagram and such. I can’t find an example now but people use Kallax units and then add some plywood round the sides. It’s not perfect but it seems the least disruptive for everyone. If your younger ones mostly play downstairs in the day then DSS could still have the study and you could work from DS’ room.

Because he definitely wasn’t going to tell him by the way his dad has pushed him to the side.

What the hell. Now the OP's husband is to blame...

Some posters on this thread have no shame

Cut the kid some slack. Let him have some fun and take his mind off things. It’s also worth remember that gaming online might be the only way to currently connect with friends from his old school.

Fair enough @Octalinx But I think that @Tryingtoaccomodateeveryone should be supported too. Her feelings count, particularly as she'll be doing a lot of the emotional work in keeping the whole family ticking over, or even happy.

And if the DSS is with his father because his mother is in some way incapable of housing & caring for him safely, it's actually quite important that he isn't allowed to settle into an attitude of "women are service humans."

Yes, he's in an awful situation, but his feelings will gradually ease. But being part of a family is compromise. A teenage boy needs his privacy - the downstairs study becomes his, but he shares a bedroom. (and if he games, well, it's his hobby - it's just that I've seen how addictive it can be)

His father & step-mother are adults who are carrying very heavy loads - they need their privacy even more, frankly. Therefore, the small bedroom.

He's kicking off - as PPs have said - if the OP lived in a palace he'd find something to kick off about.

Poor lad. YOu are doing a wonderful thing by the sounds of it @Tryingtoaccomodateeveryone - best of MN luck to you . But please don't lose yourself in the rush to care for your DSS.

You put a wardrobe in the study and get a better sofa bed or completely axe the living room, a bedroom is more essential. A 15 year old with GCSEs and A levels on the horizon needs his own space. This isn't a problem of his making.

The OP wrote he is acting like a spoilt brat. No other poster did. Fake outrage on your part, there was no people responding saying he was spoilt or ungrateful

I am astounded at the way people are responding here. This is a child who has clearly been let down by his mother and needs the comfort and security of a proper home with his dad. How is that being spoilt or ungrateful?

3 years time he'll be 18, and quite likely still at home.

But the younger two will be 9 and 11, which is too old to share with parents.

All the thought of the15yo who's had their life flipped up, but there's also two poor younger ones who probably are finding suddenly having a older brother permanently in their house difficult too even assuming there aren't arguments going on in their hearing, that can be quite hard to adjust to.

The solution needs to take into consideration their feelings too, and not many 8yos are going to be delighted to find they're suddenly sharing rooms with their parents.

Demanding the biggest and best bedroom on the entire house is pretty spoilt and entitled in my world.

I’ve got to say, you’re not the first one to say this, but I find the whole ‘He Hates Women’ thing quite bizarre, OP never mentioned this in her post. I find it out a couple of people are adding it on. There is no indication that is the case.

I also doubt his feeling with gradually ease. Men, especially young men have this special ability to keep down emotions remarkably well, until it inevitable exploded into a mess.

Why does he have to comprise at the minute though? He’s obviously been through something extremely traumatic, as I said cut the kid some slack, you can’t expect him to just adapt to family life straight away. There’s also the fact that he wasn’t treated as family when he was visiting, he was treated a guest. You can’t expect for 7 years to treat him like a guest for all of sudden want him to be apart of the family. You just simply can’t expect that.

I’d argue he needs his privacy more. He’s been placed in home that never really felt like a home, has no space for personal belongings. He needs somewhere we he can work through his emotions alone.

I’m sorry but I feel OP and his father have acted woefully. They do not deserve any sympathy or praise when you can’t even be bothered to provide a child a proper bed for 7 years. That’s a bare minimum. And for 7 years.

He's not demanding the biggest or the best bedroom, as OP and her husband are in the small one.

This boy has been through god knows what, he needs a private space where he can cry without anyone knowing- that has to be a bedroom. His dad needs to make a long term plan for better career/wages/housing but short term two adults having to use a lounge as their bedroom is the least worst option.

@Octalinx Why does he have to comprise at the minute though? He’s obviously been through something extremely traumatic, as I said cut the kid some slack, you can’t expect him to just adapt to family life straight away.

It’s better to compromise now and learn to live with the current, permanent arrangements in this house than making arrangements around him and then having to uproot every routine again once it obviously doesn’t work out.

A common room where they can all be is essential. The parents take the living room and then what happens when it starts wearing off? It’s very difficult to keep on top of it daily with 2 small children. Then one gets sick and needs to stay in bed, but there isn’t really a bed. Then there’s the issue of the couples’ privacy as well.

Much easier for the time being to share a bedroom, give him the study room and in the meantime look for solutions to upsize.

Why don’t you make the downstairs study into a dressing room - walk in wardrobe for you and your husband , bed settee in living room .
I would let him have your bedroom.
When you look back in future years you will realise that letting him have his space was the right on thing to do . Especially with exams etc coming up. Hopefully he will go to uni and then you can revert back and he can share with his younger brothers .
As you say some of this is trauma from situation with his mum. Be the bigger person , if he is a descent boy he will appreciate what you have done for him and that will be so good for your future relationship.

I would argue the child being there one day a year deserves a bed.

Only on Planet Stepparenting would a once-a-year visitor need a bed reserved for them

I stayed at my mums on Christmas Day 2022.

Was very disappointed to find out she hadn’t kept my childhood bedroom available for me!

He's actually "demanding" the bedroom he has spent the last 8(?) years sleeping in whenever he comes to visit, so presumably thinks of as his own room.

I just can’t agree. I feel like forcing into this happy family life with breed extreme resentment. I also feel it just won’t happen, I don’t think a kid with a huge amount of resentment and trauma will push back in the most unimaginable way.

I agree about the living room though. Just let him have study room to have his own space.

Exactly. He wants the space he is familiar with after his life has been turned upside down. Even if he can't have it, it isn't hard to understand.

A two bed house with one reception room and a tiny study isn't big enough for 2 adults, 2 young children and a teenager, so you have a real problem especially since building work is not possible. Of course the teenager wants 'his' bedroom that he's always slept in at your home, but it's not fair for you and DP to be bedroomless either. Someone is going to be miserable whatever you do.
Is there any chance that you could give the 3 boys the larger bedroom, with bunk beds for the little ones nearest the door and a good size area petitioned off with book cases etc for the older boy? You could give him the study as well to work or game in, do your work in the kitchen and sleep with DH in the smaller bedroom.

He stayed there 48 Days a year. Also would have made it easier now if he moved in and had his own area.

Treat you kids with love and respect and you’d be surprised by the effect.

I don’t get your fixation with what I wrote and the semantics. Acting like a spoilt brat/being a spoilt brat- whatever. You disagree with me and that’s fine. It’s the point of a forum to share opinions on what is posted. Accusing me of fake outrage is perplexing. You know nothing about me, my background, my perception of the situation based on my own personal circumstances , so why presume I have fake outrage?

Please ignore all the posters interrogating you and giving negative comments.
many of us can see that you are trying your best for your DS and to give him a proper home and care for him.
I can’t give you advice as have not been in your situation but I know there have been previous posters on here trying to accommodate older children and stepchildren in smaller homes.
I hope you find a setup that suits all of you for now and going forward into the new year xx