DSS saying hasn’t got enough space in shared bedroom

[Tryingtoaccomodateeveryone]

I’m trying my best to make it work and he’s being really ungrateful.

Me and dp have 2 ds (6 and 8) and dss is 15. 2 bed house (one very large bedroom one smaller that fits a double bed and one chest of drawers). Ds were sharing with 2 single beds in there and when dss stayed which used to be EOW me and dp would have the sofa bed downstairs.

Dss has now moved in with us so I got Ds 6 and 8 a bunkbed, a single bed for dss, a desk for dss, a small cupboard and cleared half the wardrobe so he had space for clothes. Put up 3 shelves for his things and used ikea shelves with storage boxes to partition half the room. It looks really nice. He’s furious . He wants our room as needs ‘privacy and quiet to study’.

My dc only use the room from 8-830pm each night as in the day they play downstairs. I’ve tried really hard to make this work (it was very last min due to an issue with dp ex).

I think it’s ok ? We can’t partition fully as renting. We can’t afford a bigger house so this is the best option. He thinks we should share a room with Ds 6 and 8 as wants his own space.

And his father for not providing him with a proper home previously, which would include his own bed and things for when he stayed there to make him feel part of the family,

The boys mum may be a total cunt or she may have suffered some sort of mental crisis. Who knows. He has lived with his mum for 15 years already though, his father has known of his existence for 8 years and had him EOW, but has chosen not to provide a bed in his home for his own child. He provided a home for 2 of his children but not this one. That’s not good enough. Hopefully he is stepping up now, although it reads as if OP is doing all of the planning and accommodating.

Exactly.
The way some are carrying on, as though sharing a room with younger siblings is akin to child abuse.

I wish people would read the OPs posts.

She's said the study won't fit a bed. She's said the study is a converted cupboard. Do you really think she hasn't thought about whether a bed can fit in there?

The only sense I can make of it, is that those people don’t know what neglect is.

I think you have made the best of the situation in the current circumstances. It is not an ideal arrangement in the long term, and I do think you should look at other places to move to and involve dss in the process of assessing options and what is available within your budget to help him understand you are trying but there are some practical limitations to navigate.

Honestly, you sound really kind and considerate. the bedroom will have to work, and letting him have use of your study is very kind too.

Never give up your own room.

You are all making concessions and making the best you can.

This is the answer surely, if they are having normal bedtimes, then it is the easiest option for your living room to be your bedroom as well whatever that takes.

Leave the 2 in the big room, have him in the smaller room and you share the study space with him (don't let him 'have' it), you need somewhere to work from and he won't be using it during the day anyway.

I know it sounds a bit mean but be a bit careful about giving away everything and letting him choose everything now as a knee jerk reaction to your failed attempt to shoehorn him in. There will be nothing else to give and your other children will suffer for it. If those two rooms are exclusively his, then he will have a hard time having to share, one bedroom is more than enough space for him to have exclusive use of, giving him another room in the house which is exclusively his is just pandering to him, he should have times when it is his to use, but at the end of the day if this is going to be a workable solution he is going to have to learn to share.

YANBU. You can provide him with a separate space to study/gane in the tiny study and he has his own section of the bedroom. He's one of 3, most kids who co e from a family of 3 have to share! I absolutely would not be giving up my room for a child!

Completely disagree. Parents need a bedroom not a sofa and the floor. DSS can study in the study. In a two bedroom house of five people no-one is going to get much privacy.

Do you have a ‘loft’ if so could you make a room in there?

It's down to local authority rules for rented property, I think. Our London borough brought in a limit on numbers allowed to share before you become a house of multiple occupation a couple of years ago. It's a bit different when it's families but still controlled.

There are overcrowding rules but living rooms count as a room and the children are all the same gender - it is a max of 5 to 3 rooms and they currently have 4 (under 10s count as 0.5) so it definitely isn’t illegal
which given they have been granted custody and one assumes have had social services involvement they would know

No. His parent and step-parent as adults, need their private space. That is not unreasonable for two adults to have. Adults need privacy.

But @Tryingtoaccomodateeveryone - could you make the downstairs study his, by giving it over completely to him: take out any of yours & your DH's stuff, and set it up for his school work. There are also those chairs that turn into narrow single beds, if he wants his privacy at night & doesn't mind a squeeze.

You can't share a room with an 8 and a 6 year old, your an adult couple. It's not appropriate. I shared a room my whole childhood including late teenage years. It's completely normal. None of our friends had their own bedrooms either. I studied at the library during my GCSEs or at the kitchen table since I shared with a 2 year old at the time.

It doesn't sound like he's a 'deadbeat' as he's been paying CMS since he realised he's the boy's parent. And he always gave up his own bed and room when the boy visited. Some people can't afford more space, despite assertions to the contrary on mumsnet.

However, I will agree from this thread he sounded rather irresponsible since 2 out of 3 of his children are 'surprises'. I say 'sounded' as OP says he did get a vasectomy after their shared second child was born.

I imagine this boy hasn’t ever got much from life in terms of what he wants

yes whenever any whiff of a poster saying the op is irresponsible… we’ve had a rebuttal

Didn’t know about the DSS in a scene straight out of Jerry Springer
Fell “unexpectedly pregnant”
now “had a vasectomy” (which would have cost in the region of £600)

No! Your feelings are very important - his are no more important than your feelings. And he must not be taught that women's feelings are less important than him.

He's acting out about his mother no longer housing & parenting him. Give him the downstairs study - but if he just wants it for gaming, that is unacceptable. It's for his school work & studying.

Vasectomies are on the NHS.

ah the only chap i know who did it went private

No he does not. The parents need their own room. He can share and stop being a brat.

Exactly. Alternative is the downstairs study for him but minimal gaming. The OP’s feeling, wellbeing and privacy are just as important.

• I can understand that. There no guarantee that he would have told him.

However, when you not even giving your son a permanent bed in your house, you can surmise that the relationship is very poor. Meaning that there was never really an opportunity to tell his dad, someone who he should trust.

But there is no relationship there, so there was likely never even an opportunity to open up to him in the first place.*

You completely made all that stuff up and claiming it as facts.

It might not even be abuse, it could be mum went to jail. Or had a mental breakdown /got sectioned. Or she recently got an abusive/drug addict/dealing/unsafe around children boyfriend and refused to leave him so he can't be there, but wasn't abused himself. Or it was an off incident but so bad that was it.Or other things.

Or maybe there was abuse and he simply did not want to betray his mum/he still loves her/wanted to protect her etc.

My parents were together, had my own room, my dad loved me to bits but he never knew about the physical abuse endured at the hands of my mother. Or the sexual abuse at the hands of others. I never told him a thing.

What? Why should the 6 and 8 year old share with parents, and lose their own room?

A young adult I know paid privately, too.
He’s adamant he doesn’t want children,and nor does his partner.