DSS saying hasn’t got enough space in shared bedroom

[Tryingtoaccomodateeveryone]

I’m trying my best to make it work and he’s being really ungrateful.

Me and dp have 2 ds (6 and 8) and dss is 15. 2 bed house (one very large bedroom one smaller that fits a double bed and one chest of drawers). Ds were sharing with 2 single beds in there and when dss stayed which used to be EOW me and dp would have the sofa bed downstairs.

Dss has now moved in with us so I got Ds 6 and 8 a bunkbed, a single bed for dss, a desk for dss, a small cupboard and cleared half the wardrobe so he had space for clothes. Put up 3 shelves for his things and used ikea shelves with storage boxes to partition half the room. It looks really nice. He’s furious . He wants our room as needs ‘privacy and quiet to study’.

My dc only use the room from 8-830pm each night as in the day they play downstairs. I’ve tried really hard to make this work (it was very last min due to an issue with dp ex).

I think it’s ok ? We can’t partition fully as renting. We can’t afford a bigger house so this is the best option. He thinks we should share a room with Ds 6 and 8 as wants his own space.

@Tacocatgoatcheesepizza she hasn't read past the first post. It's very clear to see because numerous times on this thread she's had to be pulled up on what the OP has said.

Good lord, you can't have a teenage but using the living room as a bedroom.

The small kids will be up and jumping around by 7am every day and wanting to use the space. He'll have to pack up every day, it will smell if teenage boy. He'll have nowhere to retreat to. It will always be a temporary sleeping space. Fine for one night EOW perhaps,but not every day.

No 😂

I, and my siblings lived with my mother, and visited my father.

My place of residence was with my mum, that was my home. We went to see my father very occasionally, kept nothing there because it wasn’t our home, and then went back home. I don’t feel neglected or harmed by that, that was how our lives were and that’s absolutely fine by me.

I’m aware it may not fit the narrative of “badly done to step child” but please don’t tell me my own experiences, it’s rude.

People will judge when innocent children are suffering due to their parents being irresponsible.

Would the study accommodate hastily built in bunks with custom foam mattresses suitable for the height of the two little ones for about a year while your settle in/ investigate other options ?

I would reasure give him some comfort and chat first. Just you and him or him and both. Make him feel loved and wanted. Safe. Tell him all these things. Really apologise for how "you must all feel crammed in. And you'd give him the world if you could...all 3 your own rooms! Bit right now as a fanoly this is where we are. And we want YOU HERE. I promise it's not shoving you or squeezing you in, not giving you your own space. We choose you, the boys every time. But us adults need to stay with that room of our own. Sorry kiddo it's a shitty right of being the parent 😅 .
And that right now what you sis was honestly to try separate ans give him the best room with the space you had. For him. And now having the study too. So basically it's his roo. Throughout the day,unless he wants to do his own thing in the study. Then,when the boys go to bed he can decamp down to that study area? This is truly what you see giving him the most privacy....coupd we try that...see if we can all make it work." And really hammer home how you want him here. And know this can't be ideal. And know his emotions must be all over the place. And make sure he can come to you with ALLLL THE FEELING right now. So do all the other stuff first and foremost around the room moving. And most Importantly that you nd his dad are going to try your f damdist to help make him feel safe again. Let's work and talk this through together.
And possibly say if it gets really too much sometimes and everyone's around. Then he can come up and just sit on your bed for a bit to decompress without fear of disturbance ( obviously in the hours you aren't in there!)

I have 4 kids in a relatively small 3 bedroom house. We had to work out a sort of timeshare arrangement during exams, which we continued because it worked for us.

We kept our bedroom (because the living room is already my office). During the day, one of the kids would occupy our room, one would be in each of their bedrooms and one would lounge in the (large, farmhouse-style) kitchen when they weren't outside. The only downside is that I have to change my bedding more often due to the bed always being lounged on by either cats, kids or both.

What I like most about the way we arranged things is that nobody feels they have had to sacrifice anything, and everyone has some level of privacy (except the youngest, who has the kitchen and really hates being on his own anyway).

The point of maintenance to the resident parent and visitation for the other parent is that it is simply a practical expectation that the child will have a home and a bedroom in one house. The resident house. It is lovely if a second bedroom can be provided in the other parents home but it simply is not the case for a lot of people. Reality just isn't like your textbook.

I dread to think how this man behaved if you say he was a dick but not for what you outline in this post

What are you talking about? One person has said somthing like "ha he can want"... the rest have been really supportive.

Take your fake outrage elsewhere

OP just want to say you sound like a lovely step mam.
I can't imagine how shocking it was for you & DP to find out he was a father!

The poor young man seems to be going through alot, having to move from mam's house to dad's house for safety.
It sounds like you are doing your best to make a nice, comfortable space for him.

He's lucky to have such a thoughtful stepmam 💐

They’ve removed him from an abusive household and are trying to accommodate the change to him being full time there.

The suffering, is on his mother.

That's a really clever idea!

A bed though? A Place for his things?

I don’t care how much maintenance his Dad paid. He deserves that no matter what. He deserved to have a bed at his dad’s house.

I think you need to re-evaluate your idea of suffering. All of the children in this scenario have a warm, comfortable bed to sleep in, food on the table and two adults who are trying their best to make sure they are looked after. Many many children from more affluent homes aren't living without suffering. Your notion that children need to have a room of their own or they are "suffering" is ludicrous. Have a look at the news and then come back and talk about suffering.

two weekends a month i wouldn’t say is “very periodically”

You think someone’s biggest family problem is how many bedrooms their parent’s houses have?

You’ve never lived. Fortunately for you.

But honestly, this isn’t the end of the world. He’s in a house he’s safe and cared for in. The logistics can be worked out.

FWIW OP you sound very understanding towards the kid, and like you’re trying to do your best. I really hope it works out. I would keep the gaming stuff too, sounds like he needs it in all the upheaval.

This teen boy is going to start having some serious hormones pumping through him, if not already, plus complete upheaval in home life, plus new school.

He is either going to fall in to a depression or…. this very very cramped living arrangement is going to result in some dire fireworks, and the younger two will suffer terribly

you say you felt like a guest at your fathers home

I didn’t. I said I was a guest.

And that really isn’t the drama you all think it is. Not compared to real problems, that this poor kid has evidently had, to have been removed from his mother.

yes

the fact you regarded yourself as one means you were treated as one

no way did my sister and i consider ourselves guests when we say our lovely dad EOW throughout our childhood

What a ridiculous comment!

If the father is working every hour available to save money to upgrade (although…. it’s been years of this so 🤷 ) to an extra bedroom…. then it will happen eventually i’m sure

but given the op mentions nothing about what he’s practically doing to change the situation materially i’ll presume he isn’t

Jesus you’re obsessed.

I was a guest because I didn’t live there. You know how living somewhere works right?

I’m glad you had a lovely dad. But I do think that’s shaping your view somewhat. Its not always idyllic.