DSS saying hasn’t got enough space in shared bedroom

[Tryingtoaccomodateeveryone]

I’m trying my best to make it work and he’s being really ungrateful.

Me and dp have 2 ds (6 and 8) and dss is 15. 2 bed house (one very large bedroom one smaller that fits a double bed and one chest of drawers). Ds were sharing with 2 single beds in there and when dss stayed which used to be EOW me and dp would have the sofa bed downstairs.

Dss has now moved in with us so I got Ds 6 and 8 a bunkbed, a single bed for dss, a desk for dss, a small cupboard and cleared half the wardrobe so he had space for clothes. Put up 3 shelves for his things and used ikea shelves with storage boxes to partition half the room. It looks really nice. He’s furious . He wants our room as needs ‘privacy and quiet to study’.

My dc only use the room from 8-830pm each night as in the day they play downstairs. I’ve tried really hard to make this work (it was very last min due to an issue with dp ex).

I think it’s ok ? We can’t partition fully as renting. We can’t afford a bigger house so this is the best option. He thinks we should share a room with Ds 6 and 8 as wants his own space.

The 15 year old has only just moved in. I would say it’s fairly normal for a working family with 2 young kids to rent a 2 bed house, yes.

What if they already live in the least desirable area and still cannot afford more bedrooms?
Most people on mn can't fathom genuinely not having the funds to just snap their fingers and a bigger house magically appears.

Op mentions him paying maintenance which makes it sound like more than just the few £ a week he’d be paying if he was unemployed.

how so?

I'm sorry your dad didn't consider you, but we really should be aiming higher than fitting kids in when they occassionally visit. It's not good enough.

Yea I would agree with this

It’s only life if you let it be life.

Are you new to Mumsnet SleeplessInWherever?
On here there's almost never any responsibility placed on women if there's a handy nearby male to blame instead ...

the 15 year old was his son and would stay with them regularly

Op and husband could go in the lounge on a decent sofa bed. Lots of people do this. I believe that a child’s needs come first, especially a child who has clearly suffered a huge amount of trauma in his life. Some people will say that is unrealistic etc. don’t care - it’s what I would do. For years this child has been staying with his dad and step mum in their bed. He hasn’t had his own space for years but his half siblings have. He is staying with op for his own safety so goodness knows what his life was like with his mother. He found out the man he thought was his dad was not his dad, he’s had to change schools, he’s lost his friends. I really don’t think it’s too much for his needs and wants to be put front and centre for the first time in his life.

@trendingdiscussion oh so that's okay then 😂 I'd imagine it was a difficult situation for the OPs husband as well, a 7 year old child suddenly thrust upon him because the mother needed to claim maintenance from someone. Imagine being pregnant like the OP and having this bombshell dropped on you, should be the happiest time of your life but in an instant everyone gets their lives turned upside down. Real life isn't as black and white as MN thinks, all it takes is one event such as this to cause huge stress and trauma for everyone. The mother shouldn't get a free pass for the mess she caused.

Imagine, woman has baby without first checking she has MN’s permission.

The intricacies of someone’s reproductive and birth control choices are literally none of your business.

She fell pregnant, they kept the baby, they have 3 kids. The end.

what are you on about? 😆

I think you will find that plenty of people in that situation have jobs, yes.

And the simple fact is that the dss wasn’t living with them. They were 2 adults and 2 children in a 2 bed. Most people will work on the assumption that the status quo will continue. You can’t plan your lives round an unlikely possibility - it is not that common for children not to be able to live with their mothers.

He should have had the vasectomy after his second child, he knew about the first by then. To risk having a third child was very irresponsible,

I feel sorry for all the kids, especially the step son,

That’s unfair.

Well I don't expect them to have a new house by tomorrow Captain Obvious! But the constant shutting down of a house move is simply shunting their problems into the future. All of the children will age... Will they all need and deserve privacy and space when they reach 15? Dad has a demanding job and a bad back. Has he to live in pain with no privacy or space? It is unrealistic to expect the family to live like this without it causing long terms problems. Looking at moving as a realistic necessity can start today. They can look at their finances... They can look at what they can stop spending on... They can look at properties further afield and compare prices...they can see how long it might take to be able to realistically move. They then can share that with their children. The child may be more amenable to sharing if he knows it's only for another few months.

Suggesting that she move 2 adults and 2 children into 1 bedroom whilst the teenager gets the other is not "doing great". The op is trying her best but she doesn't need to be told she's "doing great" when her suggestion is going to push all of the stress and discomfort onto the rest of the people who live in the house.

That’s not up to you.

Like I’ve said - I don’t feel hard done by for not having my own space in a house I visited very periodically.

Had I lived there full time, which is the actual point of this post, then I’d have had a different view on what space I needed and where my belongings were going.

That’s great. 99% of people who experienced don’t feel the same way as you. Also, the difference is this boy was likely being abused.

But it’s good you’re well adjusted from it. You know, arguing with people on the internet about an abused boy being a guest and not getting a bed for 7 years. Sounds like it really panned out great for you and you don’t think about it at all.

When I was in the same position, I was a guest in my father’s home. I was there 2 days a weekend, twice a month

Your father and his partner made you feel like a guest.

yes… all three i feel sorry for

Seems like step mums always pay the price for other people's bad decisions.
And step children too.

Actually @trendingdiscussion I don’t even need to infer this from the maintenance comment. In the ops post at 9:43 she says he works long hours. Is that enough for you to accept he has a job?

You (and others) claiming they shouldn’t have had their 3rd child, she should have had better birth control, he should have had a vasectomy.

Not sure who made you the owner of all uteruses, but that’s not what happened and it’s not up to you, or anyone, to judge however many children someone has.

By the end of this thread OP's husband will end up being a cocklodging addict, with a gambling problem, 3 other kids and abusing them too.