DSS saying hasn’t got enough space in shared bedroom

[Tryingtoaccomodateeveryone]

I’m trying my best to make it work and he’s being really ungrateful.

Me and dp have 2 ds (6 and 8) and dss is 15. 2 bed house (one very large bedroom one smaller that fits a double bed and one chest of drawers). Ds were sharing with 2 single beds in there and when dss stayed which used to be EOW me and dp would have the sofa bed downstairs.

Dss has now moved in with us so I got Ds 6 and 8 a bunkbed, a single bed for dss, a desk for dss, a small cupboard and cleared half the wardrobe so he had space for clothes. Put up 3 shelves for his things and used ikea shelves with storage boxes to partition half the room. It looks really nice. He’s furious . He wants our room as needs ‘privacy and quiet to study’.

My dc only use the room from 8-830pm each night as in the day they play downstairs. I’ve tried really hard to make this work (it was very last min due to an issue with dp ex).

I think it’s ok ? We can’t partition fully as renting. We can’t afford a bigger house so this is the best option. He thinks we should share a room with Ds 6 and 8 as wants his own space.

@Tryingtoaccomodateeveryone

Here's an idea to erect a temporary partition wall to divide the larger room.
You said in your OP you've bought ikea shelves with storage boxes.
Are these the Kallax range?
Is it possible to screw a couple of sheets of floor to ceiling height plasterboard onto the unit (buy another if needs be, long enough to create a proper divide to make two "rooms")
You may need to attach a few wooden battens to screw into.
At least then it will create a substantial enough for the time being divide, rather than just open ikea shelves.

If room is large enough, you could even have kallaxes (tall ones) on both sides and just slot the sheets of plasterboard in between!

I hope you get the idea of what I mean.
I could draw a picture but I think my DCs would do a better job!😂

I agree. It might lead to resentment.

Poor boy, obviously he's going through a lot.
And credit to you OP for trying to sort a horrible situation.

Are you and DH in the bigger room? I can't quite make it out from your posts.
If you are, you should swap and the three children go into the bigger room. DSS has a sectioned off part with his bed in and he gets the study.

You and DH putting the two younger ones in with you is not a good solution. You will all be far too squashed. Another alternative is for you to have a pull out bed in the living room and DSS gets your room, but not the study.

Surely everyone needs a lounge. Where do you sit together or eat?

Or are you saying this from the perspective of having a kitchen diner?

OP said the house has a tiny kitchen. Do they stand and eat their dinner at the counter?

I think people view these situations through the lens of what they have rather than what OP is described.

@Tryingtoaccomodateeveryone are the boys already in the biggest bedroom? I assumed so from your description of what you'd managed to get in it.

Horrible nasty comment.

He didn't know about him until OP was pregnant with their first child, who is now 8?

Have you literacy, numerical and comprehension issues as well as being nasty?

At 15 no matter the circumstances of him now coming to live with you he's old enough to understand the implications of living in a 2 bedroom house as a family of 5

I just wanted to say you sound like a lovely empathetic person and your step son is lucky to have you in his life. I’ll bet he knows it too. I’m sorry he is going through such a traumatic time.

Of course you need a lounge. It's important to relax together in the evenings etc otherwise is just like student accommodation or some awful HMO.

Yes @Tryingtoaccomodateeveryone or what about one of those fold down bed units? They fit in a tiny space … studybed is one company and arthaus another? I don’t mean a hige bed, I mean a desk bed combo

As others have suggested, I think the best you can do in the short term is to give him the study as his own personal space. It’s not ideal, but at least then he has a private place to retreat to and close the door on.

Poor lad, and poor you, you do sound like you’re trying to do the very best for him in difficult circumstances.

IF the big room is easily partioned - can't the parents have one side and the 2 younger kids have the other side or have bunk beds or something

Just so he can have a room until his GCSEs at least and get through this .

Longer term if renting obviously they should have support to move/ SS should help with this but for now dividing the big room might work?

The boy didn't even have a bed until now. It is accurate to say he was not considered.

And no I wouldn't be giving up my room for him. The OP has made a huge effort to accommodate him with his half brothers and so have the younger two to share their room

Giving into his demands will encourage entitlement

Tough shit he gets what he gets

@Tryingtoaccomodateeveryone whatever you decide to do, do not make his gaming space and study space the same space.

I’d really hate not having a place to relax together as a family. It’s an important space for this family, given their circumstance.

He didn't choose.

We have no idea how the pregnancy occurred and he didn't even know he was a father for a while anyway

The mother clearly has some issues

Yes, I agree.

I wonder how many of the hard-hearted posters on here would really be like this if it happened to them

To this saying that"we survived sharing and no one died", sounds very familiar to the arguments of, my mum and dad smoked and it didn't harm us or we didn't wear seatbelts and we were fine.

A lot of research has been done in particular towards childhood trauma and brain development. All you have to do is look at maslows hierarchy of needs or ethics in social work to see how important it is for a child to have their privacy and at 15, interaction with peers is extremely important for good wellbeing.

Given the high rate of teenage depression and suicidal these days I am utterly disgusted at how you women who call yourself "mothers" can be so dismissive of a child's needs. Sounds like your own unaddressed trauma is doing the talking.

This isn't a dig at the OP either. She found a lovely solution which she thought would work, turns out the boys isn't happy with it so now she is looking for another solution. This is a woman who is putting her own ego and feelings aside to help her step son which is admirable.

@Tryingtoaccomodateeveryone You are all facing a very difficult position and you are clearly doing your best to help your DSS. I'm sorry that some posters have decided to give you a hard time about the number of children you have, which isn't helpful right now in the situation you find yourselves and isn't helpful in trying to find the best solution for you ALL.

I think that option 3 is a mistake though to give your DSS as a choice. If there is room for his desk and chair as well as a single bed, in the small bedroom, which currently belongs to you and your husband, even if it will be a bit of a squeeze, he should have been given the choice of options 1 or 2 only. Otherwise, you are giving up 2 spaces for him instead of just one and the rest of you are going to struggle even more with space in the rest of the house?

At the very least, the study could be used by you to WFH during the day while he is at school and he could then use the study when he is at home after school and at weekends etc. So a shared space?

You and your other children's needs are also important and while it is vital that you do whatever you can to help your DSS given all the trauma he has clearly been through, it needs to be done so that everyone can cope with whatever the compromise is - and that does include your DSS having to make some compromises too? He does need his own space as others have said - but giving him 2 spaces in a very small house? Personally I think that is a mistake, taking the whole family into account? Option 3 is what he's almost certainly going to go for? You know that right?

They discovered this when she was pregnant with the first, so it's been 8-9 years they've known. And I don't believe the issues that have led to him being rehoused have come about out of nowhere over the last few months. So the useless streak of piss dad has had plenty of time to try and help his son and sort something out.

Read the thread! Or at least read the OPs posts.

You have completely misunderstood the situation.

@UnderTheStairs51 we do have a dining table in our kitchen. It's not massive but it's ok.
We sit together in our room/lounge. We bundle all in our bed to watch movies/tv.
There's no difference to watching tv on a sofa together or in our bed together.
You're right though people make do with what they have.