DSS saying hasn’t got enough space in shared bedroom

[Tryingtoaccomodateeveryone]

I’m trying my best to make it work and he’s being really ungrateful.

Me and dp have 2 ds (6 and 8) and dss is 15. 2 bed house (one very large bedroom one smaller that fits a double bed and one chest of drawers). Ds were sharing with 2 single beds in there and when dss stayed which used to be EOW me and dp would have the sofa bed downstairs.

Dss has now moved in with us so I got Ds 6 and 8 a bunkbed, a single bed for dss, a desk for dss, a small cupboard and cleared half the wardrobe so he had space for clothes. Put up 3 shelves for his things and used ikea shelves with storage boxes to partition half the room. It looks really nice. He’s furious . He wants our room as needs ‘privacy and quiet to study’.

My dc only use the room from 8-830pm each night as in the day they play downstairs. I’ve tried really hard to make this work (it was very last min due to an issue with dp ex).

I think it’s ok ? We can’t partition fully as renting. We can’t afford a bigger house so this is the best option. He thinks we should share a room with Ds 6 and 8 as wants his own space.

This is exactly what I'd do, I don't see people are even considering anything else. Poor kid.

I would say a living room where people can be together is more important for this family - the idea of the lad just in his own room the whole time I think could be very bad for him - he really needs loving family and normal human interactions

He’s acting like a spoilt brat

What a horrible thing to say- especially given your other posts concerning his paternity and a mother who cannot / will not now look after him.

How on earth do you think children survived when large families in 1-2 bedroom properties was the norm and there was no 24*7 means to "have secret chats"?

Somehow we managed, we did get our homework done and grew up to be normal adults. Overcrowded housing isn't great and its a vast improvement that its less common that it used to be but families did find ways to manage these issues.

In this case the boy could have use of the study in the evenings which makes him the only member of the family to have some private space at all!

Its all very well complaining about housing policy and the OP not being psychic and predicting a break down in maternal relationship for a child they only discovered after embarking on her own two children but the OP was looking for practical suggestions to manage the little space they have in a rental.

Absolutely - and very few of us can buy a bigger house than we need “just in case”

I agree re the gaming. It's important. If he is into this, it's also likely a social outlet and will enable continuity of friendships - which is super important particularly as he is about to start a new school.

I'd invest in a decent sofa bed. Use this until you can move to a bigger property.

Honestly, you sound like a great mum and step mum. He sounds like a good kid. I really hope it works out well for you all.

How on earth do you think children survived when large families in 1-2 bedroom properties was the norm and there was no 247 means to "have secret chats"?*
Somehow we managed, we did get our homework done and grew up to be normal adults. Overcrowded housing isn't great and its a vast improvement that its less common that it used to be but families did find ways to manage these issues.

Plenty of my school friends (in the 70s/80s) shared a room. No one died.

@Tryingtoaccomodateeveryone
I think whatever room set is decided on. You’ll all be fine. Especially your SS. It comes across in your posts that you really do care and will do the right thing for him and your family.
Your family are lucky to have you, small house or not.

He has the right to be angry and you have to be honest about what can and cannot be done. He's 15. He's old enough to be able to look at the space and see what's realistic. Ask him calmly what he suggests is a fair solution. Is there definitely no scope to look at moving? Could he have the 2nd bedroom and the littlies come in with you just whilst he knuckles down for GCSE's? Is there definitely no scope to move? I think verbalise all your problem solving to him and empathise with him and definitely don't give him any wiff that you think he'a being a burden/bratty/unreasonable. Maybe he is but he didn't ask for this at the end of the day so you need to sympathise with that. Having said all this you can only do what you can do. Like pp have said the concept of kids needing their own room is a very new one. In an ideal world yes it's great for them to have their own space but in reality it's hardly child abuse if they don't. If you otherwise show him love and understanding it shouldn't be a deal breaker either way. I have a friend who's 3 girls ranging from toddler to older teenager all share a quite small room. They're 3 of the happiest, most polite, well adjusted girls you'd ever meet and are a credit to their parents. It isn't as vital as people are making it out to be.

Your husband shouldn't have had 3 children that he couldn't afford to house tbh. The other two won't want to be sharing forever either. I feel terrible for all of them especially your SS, he should have had his own proper room at his dads house from the start. Awful parenting.

Children’s social worker here and I work within family courts. Was he part of the decision making to move in with you? He may feel that things have been decided and his world has been turned upside down and sharing with younger brothers is really hard if he has had his own bedroom?

Are you having any support either through social care or early help? It may be that some support/ work is needed to help support the transition and the new relationship dynamics?

Some people are just so charming.

Is there any scope at all to move to a three bed somewhere else? Even if it’s a worse place? Two adults and three children in a tiny two bedroom house just isn’t going to work.

He’s moving in with his 2nd parent when his 1st parent is unable to care for him.
Would he really be offered a choice in the matter?

Gee - sorry son that I didn't know about you before I had the rest of my family would at least be more accurate

And it's not exactly helpful to say "oh stupid you getting in this mess" - it's plain nasty smug and judgemental

Definitely don’t move out of your bedroom! You guys need privacy and a decent night’s sleep too.

From the way you describe your house, I would move the stuff in the study into your bedroom, which you said was huge. This will make a study/bedroom for you and your husband.

Your SS can then either sleep on the sofa bed or bunk up with his siblings, at his request. He can then take over the small study to work and to have privacy.

Or maybe the children could share a room?

It’s not about choice it’s about him being involved in what happened and understanding why in an age appropriate way.

@Tryingtoaccomodateeveryone this is Mumsnet and you are a step parent so getting an unnecessarily hard time.

Yes it's hard for him but you do also have to consider everyone and in the longer as well as short term. Your DSS will only be 19 and probably still at home when your DS is approaching his teenage years and can also argue the need for space.

I think that if he can have a man/boy cave and just sleep in the bedroom that works well.

I always think these threads show up differences in housing with the 'haven't you got a dining room' suggestions or view of a study as bedroom sized.

Sharing is not uncommon in many households. It's not ideal but it is often a needs must situation.

Him shutting himself away might not be what he really needs right now even if it's what he wants. I feel four of you in one room and him in another divides the family and you might want to consider it from that perspective.

Giving up your own room can only work short term but if he is now here for the long haul it will set up resentment with his brother's as they get older.

I think you sound lovely and it's clear you are doing your best. Continue to show him love and ignore the anger for now, with reasonable boundaries. You can only keep being there for him and you can't magic space you don't have overnight.

God almighty, some posters are such judgemental arseholes. The OP clearly cares about her DSS and is trying to do the best for him and is obviously open to changing the arrangements she originally thought of for him.

OP I agree that he should really have a room to himself at his age, and given the quite traumatic circumstances he finds a himself in.

None of us gets it right every time, even you perfect posters who love to berate someone when they're down. Those posts that offer no advice but simply come to give an OP a good kicking are beyond the pale. I hope you teach your children better.

You want a 15 year old to share with a six and eight year old, have no real space of his own and so far you’ve called him ungrateful and a spoilt brat.

no wonder he’s quite unhappy at the moment.

If yours and DP’s room is the bigger room, then have all 3 children have that room, you and DP take the second bedroom and then give your DSS the study for his studying etc, so he has a bit of space to call his own.

When we were kids my parents took the hit and had the smallest bedroom after they had an additional surprise (me 😁). Mum and dad had enough space for a double bed, wardrobe and drawers and us kids had space between us all etc.

I would also maybes allow him to sleep in the longe sometimes - it may be he is up later than and falls asleep downstairs sand move up when the young ones get up - they will be on different sleep patterns

You know what, you’re right and I feel slightly bad about my previous post especially having a read the rest of the OP’s posts (I know, I know). And while the OP doesn’t owe anyone the details if a a bit of a drip feed to go from an ungrateful spoilt brat - which are still incredibly harsh especially in the circumstances - to him suddenly being rude and angry when he never has been before.