DSS saying hasn’t got enough space in shared bedroom

[Tryingtoaccomodateeveryone]

I’m trying my best to make it work and he’s being really ungrateful.

Me and dp have 2 ds (6 and 8) and dss is 15. 2 bed house (one very large bedroom one smaller that fits a double bed and one chest of drawers). Ds were sharing with 2 single beds in there and when dss stayed which used to be EOW me and dp would have the sofa bed downstairs.

Dss has now moved in with us so I got Ds 6 and 8 a bunkbed, a single bed for dss, a desk for dss, a small cupboard and cleared half the wardrobe so he had space for clothes. Put up 3 shelves for his things and used ikea shelves with storage boxes to partition half the room. It looks really nice. He’s furious . He wants our room as needs ‘privacy and quiet to study’.

My dc only use the room from 8-830pm each night as in the day they play downstairs. I’ve tried really hard to make this work (it was very last min due to an issue with dp ex).

I think it’s ok ? We can’t partition fully as renting. We can’t afford a bigger house so this is the best option. He thinks we should share a room with Ds 6 and 8 as wants his own space.

This child didn't need their own bedroom 6 years ago. I doubt the OP could have predicted this turn of events.

I'm not sure the arrangement ever really made sense. The child didn't even have a bed in his dad's house. I'm not going to pretend that was ever good enough.

Partition the existing room with a curtain. Clear out the study and get him a "gaming set up" every teens dream. You'll be glad he's out of the way when he's shouting with his mates on a game!

Don't give up your room. That'd going to kill your relationship dead and your family need you to stay together.

There are a lot of wicked stepmothers on mumsnet and you are not one of them. You are doing really well but don't let dss turf you out of your room.

The only other viable option is to turn the living room into your room. But I think he still needs the office.

@Maybluebell I feel sorry for your kids

Don't - they are both adults now with several degrees between them living happy successful lives. Well settled nearby in their own homes with enough room for their children.

Perhaps because their parents stayed married and gave them a stable start and a good education. And they never had anything like the entitled attitudes I hear about from some teenagers here, not even as teenagers themselves. Lovely, caring lads, very proud of them.

I feel sorry for kids allowed to dominate the home. Parents need to parent, not indulge.

You can’t give him both your room and the study!? What about the whole rest of the family? Your own kids deserve not to share with you - sharing with siblings is one thing, but with their parents? Not fair on them!! Why should he get your room and the only other space in the house? Why does he get to dictate? Do your kids and you not matter?

It worked for them. The rest is none of your business.

She’s not asking for a lecture on how/when to have children, or what their space should have been like before. She’s asking for advice about their situation now - which has changed dramatically.

There’s an awful lot of pro-creation policing going on this thread. Maybe save it and actually advise OP.

If its big enough to fit, I'd move you and husband into the smaller room and the three kids in the bigger room but with a divider for the teenagers area, would then start looking for a 3 bed to move to.

How big is the kitchen? In families I know where there are too many people for bedrooms, the lounge is always used as a bedroom, and the kitchen reconfigured to be the family room if at all possible.

That's the setup they have now.

You sound lovely op, I’m sure with you and his dad around his gonna be just fine x

As a mother of 3 boys, I can 100% say that a 15 year old boy NEEDS his own space. He will wake up every morning with an erection and same again at nighttime. Being 15, newly entered the work of puberty and girls, I'm sure you know what this means. Also, he will want to chat to his friends of the same age going through the same stuff and not have anyone listen in to their secret conversations. This is where the anger and frustration will be coming from. There is no way he will want to say this out loud and is hoping to fuck you actually realise and his father remembers what it's like to be a 15 year old boy.

I had to sacrifice my bedroom so my eldest could have it. I had a sofa bed in the living and cleared out a hallway cupboard for all my clothes ect. Then got a bigger house but have had to do the same again as the middle boy is now approaching the same time.

Living room/bedrooms for adults can work well with boundaries and discussion about respect. After a certain time of night, it's my bedroom and no longer the living room ect. No one goes on my bed or touches my stuff. The house I am in now thankfully has a huge living room so I've actually got a double bed and drawers up the back with a wooden folding partition then I've squished my couches and tv as close as I can. It's actually very cosy.

You need to make these sacrifices for their wellbeing. They will not be teenagers for ever, it's only a few years then they will be looking to fly the nest and you have the rest of your life to have a proper bedroom again.

Getting it right in the teenage years is absolutely crucial. Almost as crucial as the first 3 for future development. This is where their life will go one way or another. Add trauma into the mix and statistically there is much higher chance of going down the addiction route. Trauma is the gateway and continued lack of being heard, understood and emotional needs met.

Food for thought.

It's not nasty. It's the truth. They couldn't afford the 3rd child.

Did your children have their own rooms?

@Driving666 it's an old storage cupboard. In a fairly small house/flat. How big do you think it is? OP who actually lives there already said it only fits a desk and a chair.

Dss has the study, downstairs loo and the living room with a futon bed. The living room is a shared space until 9pm. Then he has the space to himself. He can be in his study until 9pm if he doesn’t want to be around anyone. Think about installing overhead cupboards in the downstairs study and the downstairs loo

This is an outrageous suggestion. He doesn't get to have half the house to himself and send his parents to bed at 9pm, ridiculous. It's also a rented house, you can't just go installing cupboards etc. Yes the lads had a hard time recently but he has to let the family support him, not isolate himself away.

This would seem the practical option:

The three boys in the bigger bedroom, with a partition between teen's and little boys' areas. Could be a curtain, bookcases, wardrobes, temporary wall - anything to denote space.

You and DH in the smaller bedroom.

The box room turned into a study / private space for him where he can also do gaming without disturbing anyone.

The sitting room stays a space for all the family.

Do not give up your bedroom for him or camp in the sitting room. Your relationship, your privacy, your sex life will suffer.

Start looking for a three bedroom property as a goal to work towards. If she is able, his mother should be contributing towards his maintenance and accommodation.

That in itself is a massive trauma for this poor boy, he has experienced a lot of rejection and abandonment in his life (or that is how he will see it/his brain will process it). Has he had any counseling or support regarding this?

I appreciate it's super difficult when you rent, but I would seriously look at all options for 3 bed houses- you might be able to find something affordable. I'd also speak to social services to see if they can offer any help with housing etc.

Are you getting any financial support due to DSS living with you? You should at least be getting child benefit?

You sound well cool 🙄

Being nasty about a child who has been through more than what most adults will ever go through in their lifetime.

I guess when you’re behind a keyboard it’s easy to say things you’d be too scared to say in real life.

Your life sounds very miserable if you find trolling threads entertaining.

Me and DP are both very high income and while I'm not surprised people don't plan things the attitude a lot of people have towards children is very disappointing.

They are meant to come first, if me and DP were in the same situation we wouldn't even consider putting him in the same bedroom as 2 much younger DC, it would be the very last resort.

Being uncomfortable sleeping in the lounge which is what we'd probably do would be just expected and the result of our own choices whereas for a lot of low income people their comfort seems to come first with kids almost being like second class citizens. They aren't.

Of course they did. We only had as many children as we could comfortably accommodate and provide for.

But, even on holiday in cramped cottages, my DH and I certainly didn't give up our bedroom for the kids. Adults get to decide. That's what being a grown up is about. Daft to let children dictate, that way lies lunacy.

I think it's really good to accommodate this, plus if he's had a long distance move, then it may help him keep in touch with his old friends/extended family etc.

Coming late to this and may have already been suggested or done. If this move is official and child benefit, resident parent switching to your husband you may be recognised as overcrowded and prioritised by a housing association.
In the meantime it sounds as if you are getting sorted at least for just now.

I don't get the angst. It's pretty easily fixed. There are enough rooms you just need to change the purpose of them.

The boys keep their room.
The teen gets your room which is big enough for a bed & gaming set up & you have the lounge but put your real bed and furniture in there.

This is the set up at my home we have 4 children in a 3 bedroom & nobody shares except the youngest with us. Nobody needs a lounge but everybody needs a bedroom.

It doesn't work that way. This child has been taken from their primary carer and into the full time care of a non primary carer. If the non primary carer refused, the child would need to go into care. Very different scenario to a normal family overcrowding situation

Uh huh

Adults who have three kids(one being an traumatised teen) and two bedrooms.

The adults at least have a room of their own room that they won’t get kicked out of in the morning.
They can have a tv etc in their room to relax

The amount of people pontificating but offering zero practical solutions. Unreal