DSS saying hasn’t got enough space in shared bedroom

[Tryingtoaccomodateeveryone]

I’m trying my best to make it work and he’s being really ungrateful.

Me and dp have 2 ds (6 and 8) and dss is 15. 2 bed house (one very large bedroom one smaller that fits a double bed and one chest of drawers). Ds were sharing with 2 single beds in there and when dss stayed which used to be EOW me and dp would have the sofa bed downstairs.

Dss has now moved in with us so I got Ds 6 and 8 a bunkbed, a single bed for dss, a desk for dss, a small cupboard and cleared half the wardrobe so he had space for clothes. Put up 3 shelves for his things and used ikea shelves with storage boxes to partition half the room. It looks really nice. He’s furious . He wants our room as needs ‘privacy and quiet to study’.

My dc only use the room from 8-830pm each night as in the day they play downstairs. I’ve tried really hard to make this work (it was very last min due to an issue with dp ex).

I think it’s ok ? We can’t partition fully as renting. We can’t afford a bigger house so this is the best option. He thinks we should share a room with Ds 6 and 8 as wants his own space.

Do you really have thousands spare to just move to a bigger house at the drop of a hat?
If you do I doubt you will have an empathy with most families' financial situation.

I wouldn't make any rash decisions.

I would talk to DSS and explain that this is the only current option.We all need to give it a go before declaring it's awful.

You need to think long term, if there is no realistic chance of moving then this is going to be your situation for a long time. How long are you going to share with the younger kids?

I think the sacrifice should be that the younger kids stay out of the bedroom apart from sleep time. Then, once kids are in bed, adults relax in their bedroom rather than downstairs and DSS has that space.

Giving DSS sole use of bedroom/study and everyone else being crammed in one room and working out of the kitchen is ridiculous. It's thinking with your heart, rather than head.

Your dad was worse then... eow and no space for your kids isn't a flex.

Sorry haven’t read the full thread but will mum be paying you maintenance? Won’t you get child benefit and possibly UC for him now?

Maybe that would cover the cost of moving to a 3 bed?

Yeah he’s a dick, but not for that reason.

I’m aware my example may be extreme - the man was drowning in kids. But I would genuinely never have expected a bedroom to myself in a house that I didn’t live in. People don’t have infinite bedrooms available.

WHAT!!?? Just read the FULL FUCKING THREAD! Dinlo

Perhaps if it's called out more often people think about this stuff before procreating...

It's hardly ideal is it?

I expect he’s angry because he had just assumed that the arrangement would be the same as what has happened on his weekends. Whatever you decide to do now, your DH needs to talk to him to explain that he is very welcome in your home but there are problems fitting you all into a small house. He won’t have thought it through.

The Dss doesn’t have a bedroom of their own, they’d have to sleep in the living room- so hardly luxury.

Yes, it does sound like temporary accommodation…because it’s a temporary measure. Long term they can’t live like this but it’s the best option they have right now.

Now he does live there. Which is why adequate space needs to be planned for. There's any number a parent should anticipate accommodating all of their children.

Could you swap rooms, You and DH have smaller room, 3 boys have the larger room? Downstairs study might have to become your wardrobe so large bedroom would have to be DSS bedroom and study.

They can make that choice, but they shouldn’t be surprised when it causes problems.

My first reaction was ' the selfish entitled little shit!! Your two are making space for him, you've welcomed him in and treated him like your own, now he's demanding your room and thinking you should be permanently on the sofa bed -'

Then I stopped myself. Poor kid. That age is hard. His parents' relationship fell apart, there are two younger kids taking father's attention, now something's happened and he's no longer in his own home, no longer with mum. Must feel like he's losing everything, and losing privacy and space that an adolescent needs and being put in with little boys - he must feel very unseen.

So hard, I hope you find a solution.

Short term give him your room, its unfair to expect him to share with two much younger siblings at his age and given what hes been through.

Longer term if he is going to live with you you need to move.

You can sleep in with younger kids or downstairs.

He is not spoilt or ungrateful, he's relying on his care givers to meet his needs

I can't believe that people are suggesting giving up your room. That's ridiculous. He's a child he'll go where he's put until a better solution arrives.

Dreadful entitled behaviour, no matter what his issues.

I feel sorry for your kids

The idea that children must have their own bedrooms is a pretty new one. Poor people have always had children and probably always will.
You also can't account for every possible personal or societal change in the decades following having your child.

'Do you really have thousands spare to just move to a bigger house at the drop of a hat?
If you do I doubt you will have an empathy with most families' financial situation.'

@littleluncheon

Well I think it's borderline irresponsible to have children with no savings at all.
This child is being failed. If it means the dad needs to get another part time job delivering pizzas just to be able to meet this poor kids BASIC NEEDS, then he needs to do it. Instead of that, they keep procreating.

I didn't say that did I? this child should have his own room. And his dad should live near enough to him that he wouldn't have to change schools. No effort has been made at all.

''You're gonna need a bigger boat''

He's doesn't need the study and the living room from 9pm . They should not have to go to bed at 9pm they are adults not children. I still want to know how big as in the size of the study . It could be that a bed will actually fit.

You’ve already try hard on this and I hope whatever is decided works out for you all

Completely agree with this!! 80% of the family in one room to suit 20% of it who is being demanding is madness!! His options are share or sofa bed 🤷🏻‍♀️

If one of your kids decides at 15 to kick you out of your room would you let that happen? I understand you feel guilty for his situation but if you do this your kids in time will see a narrative of him getting to dictate everything and them getting the scraps - not what you’re seeing at all I know!! But when they’re teenagers they won’t see it from your current perspective - they’ll see he got x, y and z and they had 4 to a room to let him have it.

Yes, they need to make changes - hence the thread.

You’re making out like for the 4-6 days he was there each month they should have had ready made space for him, sat empty the rest of the time.

Thats not how budgeting, the rental market - life, works. Not for most people anyway.

Their arrangement made sense before this huge change for them all, nobody was or is failing him.