DSS saying hasn’t got enough space in shared bedroom

[Tryingtoaccomodateeveryone]

I’m trying my best to make it work and he’s being really ungrateful.

Me and dp have 2 ds (6 and 8) and dss is 15. 2 bed house (one very large bedroom one smaller that fits a double bed and one chest of drawers). Ds were sharing with 2 single beds in there and when dss stayed which used to be EOW me and dp would have the sofa bed downstairs.

Dss has now moved in with us so I got Ds 6 and 8 a bunkbed, a single bed for dss, a desk for dss, a small cupboard and cleared half the wardrobe so he had space for clothes. Put up 3 shelves for his things and used ikea shelves with storage boxes to partition half the room. It looks really nice. He’s furious . He wants our room as needs ‘privacy and quiet to study’.

My dc only use the room from 8-830pm each night as in the day they play downstairs. I’ve tried really hard to make this work (it was very last min due to an issue with dp ex).

I think it’s ok ? We can’t partition fully as renting. We can’t afford a bigger house so this is the best option. He thinks we should share a room with Ds 6 and 8 as wants his own space.

Are you serious? You can’t be.

I think there isn’t a lot you can do - I would give him exclusive use of the study for his work and play. Then he has to sleep in the bedroom.

Can you get a garden room or skin out a summer house for gaming / study?

If he has the study, he has space to himself. It's fine to share a bedroom if he only needs it to sleep.

Of course he's kicking off about the bedroom - it's the only thing in his fucked up life he has half a chance of fixing.

Whilst this is very understandable, it doesn't mean that the whole house has to be rearranged around him and/or the OP and her partner give up their bedroom. He is being offered a loving home with a shared bedroom. Like lots of other children.

But he will have that, just not in the conventional way for the moment. He can make the study (study? studio?) room completely his own and he’ll have a safe space to hang out.

You sound like a really nice step parent OP. Hang on in there - that kid’s going to really appreciate you one day.

(No practical advice sorry!)

I think priorities are DSS feels comfortable in the aftermath of what sounds traumatic and DH keeps a decent bed for his back rather than sleeping on a sofa bed. And move as soon as you can if this looks like being more than a temporary arrangement. Good luck, OP, you and your DH sound very caring.

Teens sharing with much younger siblings without their own space to study often don't do well at school.

Are you on the housing register? You need to make it clear to social services that you do not have enough space. Foster placements are incredibly expensive and they may be able to help you get prioritised on the housing register.

This!!

Poor kid. Sounds like none of his needs are being met anywhere.

If it worked like that wouldn't everyone wanting to get a council house just threaten to put their kids into care?

Big room - two younger boys and all their toys and your clothes
Smaller double - DSS everything including a desk
Study - you keep, you wfh don't compromise the quality of your work and the importance to the family of your job.
Livingroom - becomes your bedroom once youngest in bed. Buy a good long term bed settee.

Not ideal but feels the best option - you need to prioritise all the dc.

Unless someone magics up a bigger house, I think this is secondary issue. Which is a shame, but unavoidable

Do they have a downstairs loo?

Do not give him the small bedroom and the study , he may well be having a tough time and be traumatised but you don’t get everything your way in a family . The best solution is to get a better sofa bed so you and your husband live in the lounge , stepson gets the small room , sons share the larger room and you put your clothing in with them . You keep the study as is . As you rent is there anyway of getting a larger house via social housing , do you count as overcrowded ? If social services are involved maybe they could help .

This!
I'm really surprised at all the PPs who said he can't possibly share a room but I think expectations have changed over generations. My parents lived in the same house with multiple adults and always shared unless they were married (and then would share with their spouse). They moved out when I was born, but when someone needed to move into our house I gave them my room in a heartbeat, teenager or not. But I can see that my cousins 5--7 years younger than me have different tolerances/expectations.

Unbelievable. How can you be so nasty. The OP is doing her best, considering giving up her bedroom (which I'd never do tbh. I'd give the boy the studio as his personal space). Are you trolling the thread?

This is why he needs his own room. He needs somewhere to cry.

This is a ridiculous take.

My dad had 7 kids in his house at any one time.

3 he’d had with my mum
2 step children
2 he’s had with my step mum

We lived there for 4 days out of the average month, as we were EOW kids.

Why, would I have had my own space in a house I essentially didn’t live in.

Changes would have had to have been made if that changed, because there’s no way any of my siblings would (or should) have been kicking permanent residents of the house out of their bedrooms for the sake of a few days a month.

My stepson has his own room here, and always will - we also have 50/50 custody. I’m hoping you can see the difference.

This sounds like a good solution. Could you invest in a good sofa bed?

Christ, this poor boy is being failed by all of you.

You need to move. You cannot live in a 2 bedroom house with so many of you.
Why did you and your partner go on to have a second child, when you can't afford to house them.

This whole thing is a mess and such a sad read for this 15 year old boy. He's lost his family unit, his friends, his 'dad' who wasn't really his dad. And you're here calling him a selfish brat? You and your partner sound selfish here. This lad has no one on his side. But you concentrate on you and kids. Jesus Christ I despair.

Haven't read all replies so sorry if this is repetition but putting a teen boy who is not used to sharing in with much younger step siblings could be incredibly anxiety provoking for him. Easier to shout about study and gaming than some of the deeper fears he may have about personal privacy. If you don't have experience of teen boys, ask DP to remember what it was like at that age and what it would have been like to have to go through that while sharing with little kids.

At 16 (less than 1 year older) I was homeless. I lived on people sofas and shared beds with others (for a while I slept crammed in an old baby cot) that if I was lucky enough to get offered somewhere by someone nice so I wasn't in one of the god awful dangerous not fit for habitation council run hostels (or sleeping rough, preferable to the hostels)... trust me, I think he will survive his life being 'upside down' in his custom built shared bedroom with family.