DSS saying hasn’t got enough space in shared bedroom

[Tryingtoaccomodateeveryone]

I’m trying my best to make it work and he’s being really ungrateful.

Me and dp have 2 ds (6 and 8) and dss is 15. 2 bed house (one very large bedroom one smaller that fits a double bed and one chest of drawers). Ds were sharing with 2 single beds in there and when dss stayed which used to be EOW me and dp would have the sofa bed downstairs.

Dss has now moved in with us so I got Ds 6 and 8 a bunkbed, a single bed for dss, a desk for dss, a small cupboard and cleared half the wardrobe so he had space for clothes. Put up 3 shelves for his things and used ikea shelves with storage boxes to partition half the room. It looks really nice. He’s furious . He wants our room as needs ‘privacy and quiet to study’.

My dc only use the room from 8-830pm each night as in the day they play downstairs. I’ve tried really hard to make this work (it was very last min due to an issue with dp ex).

I think it’s ok ? We can’t partition fully as renting. We can’t afford a bigger house so this is the best option. He thinks we should share a room with Ds 6 and 8 as wants his own space.

This is part of the issue but the other is the large rise in house prices in 2020/2021. I was renting then. When I moved into my rented property in 2019 my rent was 1600. This wasn’t London, it was a small town in West Yorkshire.

When house prices started rising, landlords were missing out, plus as people were priced out of buying, applications for each rental property increased massively too. landlords capitalised on this - and I’m saying it without blame, it’s a business not a charity- and were more likely to increasing their rents by the max they were allowed, think our contract was 7% ish. Our rent increased to 1750. In 2021 it was increased to 1900. And then in 2022 it was increased to 2100. It’s rented out this year for 2250 a month. I work in organisations that own rental properties and reports that rents have risen by 28% since 2020 - well in my experience that’s a minimum!! In the town I live in it’s more like 40%.

Thankfully we were able to buy and despite having a massive mortgage, my mortgage payments are around what I was paying to rent in 2019.

So it’s not as easy as saying don’t have kids if you can’t afford to house them. We could afford extra kids back when we were making them!

What size is the study ? Not saying this is the case for @Tryingtoaccomodateeveryone op . But some people say a room is to small when it's not . When I was a teenager I had a room that was 6ft 6. By 6ft another room was 5f5 by 8ft .

I once spilt a room with floor to ceiling partition. There,was no screwing. It worked by pressure on the same way that a baby gate works. I wallpapered it and added a fake skirting board and coving . It looked pretty real .

1. You have the large bedroom with husband. But it doubles as a workspace, a living room for you and your hubby and storage for the younger boys.
2. Two younger ones in a bunk in the small room
3. Dss has the study, downstairs loo and the living room with a futon bed. The living room is a shared space until 9pm. Then he has the space to himself. He can be in his study until 9pm if he doesn’t want to be around anyone. Think about installing overhead cupboards in the downstairs study and the downstairs loo.

did you not read the OP's posts?

He had no idea this child existed until after he had his two with OP/

@Tryingtoaccomodateeveryone sounds very stressful for all… I suspect your DSS is reacting this way as it’s the only thing that is in his control right now… the rest his his life is totally out of his control…. Moving house , things with his Mum, school.
By giving him a choice of how he wants it this will give him some slight control back which will make him feel safer.

Not sure what the circs are however speak to the new school, an early help referral might be good in terms of helping DS speak to someone re whatever has been going on. If it is a beverament then counsellor won’t be involved until after six months or so.

Practical things - can you claim Child benefit? Any universal credit now there is an extra person in the house?

Give him time and space, gaming will be his safe space right now -which is probably why he is upset as he will want to game when the little ones are asleep - the office is a good idea for this setup.

He's 15. Lots of hormonal changes.

He needs his own space and your husband and you should be bending over backwards to make it as easy and welcoming for him as possible.

I'd give up your bedroom for him on the understanding that he must keep it clean and tidy and no food to be taken upstairs etc and laundry to be brought down every day.

That's a fair deal.

He knew during the pregnancy of his second child, so well before his third was concieved.

We don’t know what has happened with SS’s mum - for all we know she’s had a brain haemorrhage and is in a nursing home (tragically happened to a couple of my patients in their 40s).

It’s possible she’s assaulted SS or gone to prison or something, but far more likely to be a medical event if there were no problems previously and OP says it was “sudden and catastrophic” and she isn’t in a position to pay maintenance.

There are solutions where rooms can be split (even in rented accommodation) to effectively partition the space in to effectively two rooms. I assume there is only one window in the larger room and that does create natural light issues but these can be overcome.

The room shape may present some issues but there may be a relatively straight forward solution.

I would strongly look to investigate this rather than move you double bed into the room sharing with the children.

Both you and DH compromising now may create issues when trying to revert in the future.

This

@Tryingtoaccomodateeveryone do you have the funds for a better sofa bed and a mattress topper? It would be a bit awkward, especially in the holidays/weekends when everyone is at home, but you and your DH could sleep there. Keep your stuff in the younger children's bedroom/the study. Your husband could share some storage/wardrobe space with DSS in the smaller bedroom.

Or, the livingroom becomes his bedroom, the younger children's have all their toys/stuff in their big bedroom and you get a telly for your bedroom and just hang out in there more.

Is the kitchen accessible without going through the livingroom? Enough space to eat in there as a family?

Is the garden accessible without going through the livingroom?

He's after privacy for being a teenager. That's probably as pressing an issue for him as his exams.
However the house isn't big enough, and he will have to make compromises.

Id partition off the lounge to make another bedroom (store personal stuff in the study) & give the older kid his own room

No it's not ideal but neithers living in a 2 bed with 3 kids at different ages & move is probably not an option right now ?

I would not give up my room for him. Plenty of children have to share. It's not ideal all the time but it is what it is. As a compromise i would try and set up the study a little so he can retreat there if he needs some space from his younger brothers

No way number 1 sounds like a hostel/temporary accommodation.

Number 3 sounds like the oldest gets luxury living whilst everyone else slums it .

I think the study as an extra space is good. You can’t share a room with your kids long term, it won’t be good for your relationship

I don’t think you should give your room up. I don’t see a problem with him having the study as his private space and just using the shared bedroom as a place to sleep. I think he is being unreasonable to expect you to give your bedroom up. He may have been through a lot but him sharing a bedroom with his brothers is not unreasonable, especially if you give him use of the study to revise/game in.

Children's needs (not wants) are the priority. In these circumstances his needs for a safe space to study and decompress are more important

I’ve just seen that he needs to start a new school as well!!

Poor kid my heart is breaking for him 💔

Is there no way he can stay in his current school and get a bus or ask work for some flexibility with hours?

I’m sure school will be quite flexible too, considering all he’s been through.

He may even be able to get school transport depending what year he’s in and how far it is.

He’s got to be in year 10 or 11 and it’s such a shame for him to have to change schools on top of everything else he’s got going on.

Have you spoken to the school/council about it?

This

He sounds like Regina George from Mean Girls. She also "made" her parents give her the master bedroom. Also, time to put a stop to that spoiled attitude of his. I think some tough love is in order here.

If he’s left home for safety reasons often school changes too. I used to teach and can remember a couple of instances where school was changed too for safeguarding reasons.

Depending on distance it might not be feasible, they could live in completely different counties for all you know. Or worse, it could not be safe for him to actually be in the area at all.

Of course he's kicking off about the bedroom - it's the only thing in his fucked up life he has half a chance of fixing.

This ^^

Poor lad.
OP, I hope that you can all sort something out.

A kid who found at 7 that his dad wasn't dad, then had to develop a relationship with his actual dad and then having to be removed from his mum at 15 for his own safety(so who knows what trauma lurks there) moving areas,schools, leaving everything all behind in the middle of GCESs. Yeah.. sounds exactly like Regina George . 🙄