DSS saying hasn’t got enough space in shared bedroom

[Tryingtoaccomodateeveryone]

I’m trying my best to make it work and he’s being really ungrateful.

Me and dp have 2 ds (6 and 8) and dss is 15. 2 bed house (one very large bedroom one smaller that fits a double bed and one chest of drawers). Ds were sharing with 2 single beds in there and when dss stayed which used to be EOW me and dp would have the sofa bed downstairs.

Dss has now moved in with us so I got Ds 6 and 8 a bunkbed, a single bed for dss, a desk for dss, a small cupboard and cleared half the wardrobe so he had space for clothes. Put up 3 shelves for his things and used ikea shelves with storage boxes to partition half the room. It looks really nice. He’s furious . He wants our room as needs ‘privacy and quiet to study’.

My dc only use the room from 8-830pm each night as in the day they play downstairs. I’ve tried really hard to make this work (it was very last min due to an issue with dp ex).

I think it’s ok ? We can’t partition fully as renting. We can’t afford a bigger house so this is the best option. He thinks we should share a room with Ds 6 and 8 as wants his own space.

I understand he’s been through a lot of upheaval and this is a traumatic time for him, however, you are trying your best to support him and offer a solution. I think offering to study as his own space to study / relax in the evenings is a good option, and then for him to sleep in the partitioned room. However, would it work to give him the smaller bedroom, keep the study as it is and you & fb share with your your younger 2? I think I would choose the latter simply because of the age difference and I would feel uncomfortable with a 15 year old sharing a room with a 6 & 8 year old.

Well, they are where they are. Not everyone plans brilliantly for every eventuality. It sounds like the OP is doing her best.

If they were all full siblings, he'd be sharing anyway.
Nothing to stop him studying (or whatever else he wants to do in private) when the youngsters are downstairs.

Doing their best would have making accommodations for him years ago. What is happening now is bare minimum. Lets not praise mediocrity.

Well, I really don't want to respond to that comment. We'll just need to agree to disagree.

i wasn’t actually aware when I met dp neither was he that he even had a child ! We found out when I was pregnant with ds1 as from what I can gather the person who thought they were dss father had doubts and then had a dna test then dp ex got in touch with other potential fathers and that’s when we found out and from that point he had regular contact and paid maintenance .
Do he never lived with his df and didn't even know him til he was 9 or so!
This sounds like a very traumatised teen, he needs his own room more than you do! You need to either share the large room with the younger ones, or move into the living room

They only just discovered he is her DHs son!🙄

You sound very sensible - it seems that his life has been flipped upside down and he’s got up be furious about something so it may as well be the bedroom. The plan to make the study his personal space is a good one.

Op, I just wanted to say that what you've done so far is pretty amazing- you sound like a great parent and a wonderful, caring step Mum. I'm sure this hard time will pass and DSS will settle well with the new solution 💐

If it were me, I would get a really good sofabed for you and DP for the living room and move down there.

But you would also need some clear boundaries about the time that becomes your bedroom for the night and the DC would need to respect that as if it were your bedroom.

I know a couple of people who have done this so their DC could have bedrooms and it has worked out OK with the right setup. But it needs to be a really good bed quality sofabed. Or if there's space I might even put your actual bed in there and make it into a bed/sitting room that the DC can come into during the day/early evening. If you put a big throw on top of the bed it could be used to sit on.

Did you read OP posts?
Her DH didn’t know the poor lad was his til he was 7.
Get back under your judgemental rock.

Absolutely this.

@Tryingtoaccomodateeveryone The room might be too small for a bed, but could be big enough for someone to stretch out in on a sleeping mat.

OP I really take my hat off to you: you came on and made the thread only two hours ago a bit upset and therefore lashing out a bit, and with just a bit of reflection you've turned right around and can see that all this is is a 'behaviour is communication' situation. That's bloody brilliant and will stand you in good stead for what's going to be a tough developing situation.

I agree with the posters saying you should move into the living room, and give DSS the small room. Keep the study for wfh as that's going to be trickier if there's no living room space.

To take a sideways step: if this is going to be a long-term situation then moving is going to be the best way forward, so please make sure you're getting the child benefit transferred to DP and check universal credit. If SS says staying with you is safest, are there any allowances you can get? Check and double check - you are now overcrowded so check with your local council as well. Obviously staying in-area is the priority so he doesn't have to change schools again. Good luck to you, but you're going to be fine.

Of course not but they made a decision to have children. The poor lad didn’t ask to be born and to be effectively abandoned by his own mum. FWIW I know a couple who did sleep on sofa bed in the lounge and they made it work very well for years.

What about he has study and sleeps in the sitting room?

They’ve known for over eight years, I’m not sure how that means only just.

Well, 8 or 9 years ago now according to OP.

Sounds like the teenager's birth mother is a bit sub par in many ways if the poor lad has been given up on by her.

I just wanted to say ignore the negative comments, you sound absolutely lovely and caring and doing the best you can in a really difficult situation. You obviously care for him a lot.

What are the dimensions of the biggest bedroom?

I appreciate this is about bedrooms currently, but I wanted to flag with you to look seriously about changing schools. At 15 he is already into his gcse programme. Can his new school accommodate his option subjects? Are they doing the same modules within subjects? If at all possible try to get him as close to his current set ad possible. If he's yr10 yes he has time but it will be tough. If yr11 then his dad needs to find a way to make it work for him - even if that means commuting back to his old school if that's reasonable. His exams are likely to have the biggest impact on his life though this change especially if he is an average-strong student student

No. They found out about 8 years ago.

I think OP is doing her best in difficult circumstances that no one was prepared for. It sounds like this happened pretty fast and there wasn't much time to make a plan and everyone is trying their best.

Don't give up your room though, 4 of you in one room is ridiculous. Short term I think what you've suggested is fine and maybe see if the social worker can help out with a 3 bedroom house via social housing?

Ok, I stand corrected. But he was with his mum until recently when everything blew up.

Hoping one of your kids won't live with you is hardly stellar parenting then is it?