People who drop out of life

[Dappy777]

Over the last week or so I've had two separate conversations about people who've 'dropped out' of life – no job, no friends, no interest in anything.

Last night, for example, I went for a meal with a family friend who was telling us about his youngest brother. He is 30, lives with their mum, and has no life at all. He has no job, no relationship, no hobbies and very few friends. He spends all day in the flat eating takeaways and drinking, then sleeps most of the afternoon, wakes up around 8pm and sits up all night playing video games. He's never been abroad, and never even been to London (he lives in north Essex).

I had a similar chat on Christmas Day. A neighbour told me about his brother and how he's "given up on life" (as my neighbour put it). Doesn't work, date, socialize, pursue hobbies, nothing.

It isn't so much the not dating or not working that puzzles me. Plenty of people don't want a serious relationship, or kids, or even a job. I can even understand not socialising (I'm a bit of an introvert myself). What I find so puzzling is the lack of interest in life/being alive – you know, just going for a walk on a spring morning, or swimming in the sea, or looking at the stars. Is it depression do you think? I know of quite a few people like this – young people who play video games, smoke weed, and seem to have opted out of the world. I don't know if it's my imagination, but it seems to be more common. Is it just me?

Don't you think that for society to function it's beneficial for everyone to take part in some way however small?

It's the reality of true mental illness it impacts every part of a person's life not just the boring stuff

Not everyone is able to. It's not an ideal world. Many people aren't 'beneficial' to society and in 'worse' ways than staying at home to play games and sleep because of their mental health eg going to prison, murder, rape, child abuse, starting wars, spreading hate etc.

Urgh. I’ve only read the first page of the thread as my phone won’t let go any further, but how sadly typical that people only view others as “worthy” in terms of their economic output. As the autistic mother of an autistic adult who is simply unable to leave the house & will probably live with me forever - no she can’t just think herself into being less reclusive or fake it till she makes it.

I’m a lot like this, I have severe social anxiety disorder and possibly ND. Still live with my mum in my 30s. I’ve tried loads to help myself, and had a lot of therapy but I just don’t function in society very well.
I have low self confidence due to all of the times I’ve ‘failed’ in jobs and other opportunities.
i wish there were more opportunities to work from home or job schemes where you get support in work as I’d feel so much better about myself if I was ‘contributing’.
I kind of dissociate when I’m around people and don’t talk much, it makes it really hard to form connections which then leads to you feeling depressed and lonely. I wish there were more empathy for people who struggle with communication.

This isn’t a new thing. I knew a couple of young men like this years ago. Both anxious/introverted. Now they would probably have a diagnosis. One took his own life. I don’t think it’s a choice it’s a struggle with mental heath etc.

Watching how my DH parents his sons would indicate there is a whole generation of young men being bred for this life
No screen time rules, up all night screaming at screens. Sometimes don't leave the house for days. Never eating at a table, just mindlessly grazing whilst watching YouTube. No hobbies, no sport, only online friends

It really makes me disrespect him, and as a mum of 3 sons myself it makes me very sad. Hence why he is a soon to be ex DH. I've tried to just accept it because they aren't my children, but I cannot.

This thread has really resonated with me.

I've worked my whole life, had a few friends, a husband and children. I also suffer from a debilitating medical condition that makes my day to day life quite difficult.
For about 25 years I have felt like I was going through life on 'hard' mode.
Due to my condition people can be quite unpleasant; I have been bullied and ostracised in every. single. workplace. Yet I got up, got out and patted myself on the back for getting through another day.

Then, about 3 months ago I just couldn't take it anymore. I stopped everything, I left work, I stopped seeing anybody except my immediate family. I think it could be classed as a burnout/breakdown. I barely leave the house.

I am just functioning atm, I have completely withdrawn from life. I make sure my children are comfortable, fed and loved but that is my one and only effort.

My day to day is in my house. My husband is supporting me atm but I keep telling him to leave as, who wants a wife like this?

I can't be around people anymore. As another poster has said, people are cruel and someone who for whatever reason has a face that doesn't fit gets stomped on.

I can foresee the rest of my days living a very quiet life.

There are many people out there who have just struggled along their whole life with medical conditions that are often untreatable and one day they say 'stop'.

Depression, anxiety, enabling parents who don't know how to help. And there's no money for external services to intervene. I also believe that social media is a contributing factor as young people can now access the world and others from their bedrooms which is easier than going out to meet people.

That's very idealistic though. You can raise them that work is not optional but if they can't cope, they can't cope. Or if they become depressed or anxious, as can go hand in hand with ND. Obviously I hope they won't but no matter how much support they are given, I've seen too many unable to cope with the workplace or even working from home. I hope it does work out for you.

I can imagine people saying all this sort of stuff about me. I probably look like a very very sad case to people looking in from the outside. Some of it will be because I don’t have kids and am not married.

I work from home, in a rural area. I live with an elderly relative and won’t be moving away as I don’t want them to be alone and isolated. I’m perimenopausal so I figure that if I’m going to have a quiet time, now is the time for it.

I am aware that too much isolation could be very bad for me because I could fall out of practice at being in the world. I’ve recently taken up several hobbies in areas that I’ve hated since I was a child because they’re difficult for me. My reasoning is that they will stretch my skills and take me out of my comfort zone.

One day, I will likely do a job out in the world that makes me feel uncomfortable and I’ll feel more confident about it because I’ve mastered these hobbies.

I haven’t always lived like this and I did have a lot of adventures. I notice that the more time I spend like this, the less trustful I am of people. But, it’s also given me the chance to identify the patterns in the mistakes that I made around people.

There is every reason to stay alive. Every new day is an opportunity to change your life. You are not stuck. It can start with the smallest change. Go easy on yourself

Please don’t keep telling him to leave. Try and accept he loves you and wants to help you. He married you for better or worse, in sickness and in health. Let him see that through. I know it’s hard, but you will need his support.

Sorry to hear this. I appreciate mental health illness are complex and I am not an expert. The things that have helped me with anxiety in case you want to try:

Solgar Magnesium Chelated
4000 Au Vitamin D
yoga
lumina Sad lamp
forcing myself out of the house

I agree that the internet , smartphones and video games have so much to answer for. They allow for complete dissociation from life

well somebody pays for it....maybe its on behalf of the "small life person" but it still gets paid for.

The assumption seems to be that people who are isolated/cutting themselves off are unhappy but we don't know this. They could be and probably are happy in their own worlds. There way of life is normal to them, they simply aren't living or perhaps affected by societal expectations.

However many in this thread are citing situations where this is funded by parents. What happens when there is no-one but the taxpayer to fund it? Given the explosion of conditions such as ADHD and autism how is society going to fund this? I know many can work however many also receive benefits on top. This is just another time bomb. Either society accepts many won't ever work or the individuals accept they must engage with medical professionals to try and get themselves in a position where they can support themselves. There seems to be lots of hand wringing but not a lot of action.

See for me I don't think giving and taking are always a dichotomy. In times where I've felt included and supported I'm definitely giving back a lot more. In times where I've felt isolated and unsupported inevitably I've felt like I've got nothing to give.

It's no suprise that a thread on this topic has gone this way. Mumsnet is full of wealthy, successful women who look down on anyone that struggles at all in life. Even working full time but on minimum wage is not good enough. We should all have well paid successful careers, never mind someone who has struggles to work full stop. Your a drain on society. It doesn't matter what the reason is, you can just give yourself a shake and everything will be fine.

Maybe having a look at the reasons people have gone like this, rather than just abandoning them. Not everyone in these circumstances is the same. The mental health support is rubbish these days and there is little support for people.

My DM is in the middle of doing this and it's so hard to see. My DF died and she immediately (same night) moved out of the house, cancelled all his things within a few days, cancelled the house utilities, stopped driving, stopped doing her job, stopped seeing her friends. It's painful to see because she was starting to build a lovely life and socialise. A lot of people care about her. I've tried to gently approach some things but then she just tries to avoid me too. For anyone thinking this is a knee jerk reaction and she will come around in time, she absolutely won't.

I know 2 people who did this.

One was a girl who had severe anxiety and had a breakdown in high school. She spent her late teens and most of her 20s at home. Late 20s she managed to find a therapy that "clicked" and things gradually improved. She's mid 30s now and although she still struggles with going out, she can sometimes if she's with family and things aren't too crowded. She lives with her mum and does all the cooking and even batch cooks meals to be collected for charities. Her sister lives down the road, she's married with 2 kids and both work and my friend looks after the kids almost daily and loves it.

Another went a bit mad after a breakup when he was 18 and spent years with no job, very few friends and only going out to get drunk/stoned then home for days on end. He's almost 40 now and actually doing better, he has a cleaning job and has reconnected with old friends to go for meals etc.

Neither will ever live conventional lives and I worry for both when their parents aren't around. But they did both pull themselves out of the worst of it with time and some support.

I have anxiety.

I worked in education for twenty years, including through Covid.

In the pandemic I regularly had panic attacks at school. As it went on these progressed to full on dissociative episodes and school were calling ambulance for me.

I was referred to mental health services who said that I was working in a very difficult environment and that if I continued to work there then I would progress to dissociative amnesia which is basically where you are so traumatised by your environment that your mind forgets everything about you. These are the people who walk into hospitals with no memory of who they are, or where they live.

It's not a good idea to try to keep pushing your kind and your body past breaking point. If someone is having panic attacks they need help and treatment which might include slowly exposing them to the thing they panic about but definitely doesn't include just get on with it.

That way lies much more serious mental problems.

There’s an Alan Bennett play there.

I think there’s a difference between people who are content at home due to say ND or just enjoy being at home, compared to this the OP is talking about. I find it goes hand in hand with depression and other MH issues, it’s like a vicious circle that people struggle to get out of. Most of the time there’s a parent who funds their lifestyle and they can do no wrong in their eyes, been a bit mollycoddled through life.