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People who drop out of life

846 replies

Dappy777 · 30/12/2024 23:17

Over the last week or so I've had two separate conversations about people who've 'dropped out' of life – no job, no friends, no interest in anything.

Last night, for example, I went for a meal with a family friend who was telling us about his youngest brother. He is 30, lives with their mum, and has no life at all. He has no job, no relationship, no hobbies and very few friends. He spends all day in the flat eating takeaways and drinking, then sleeps most of the afternoon, wakes up around 8pm and sits up all night playing video games. He's never been abroad, and never even been to London (he lives in north Essex).

I had a similar chat on Christmas Day. A neighbour told me about his brother and how he's "given up on life" (as my neighbour put it). Doesn't work, date, socialize, pursue hobbies, nothing.

It isn't so much the not dating or not working that puzzles me. Plenty of people don't want a serious relationship, or kids, or even a job. I can even understand not socialising (I'm a bit of an introvert myself). What I find so puzzling is the lack of interest in life/being alive – you know, just going for a walk on a spring morning, or swimming in the sea, or looking at the stars. Is it depression do you think? I know of quite a few people like this – young people who play video games, smoke weed, and seem to have opted out of the world. I don't know if it's my imagination, but it seems to be more common. Is it just me?

OP posts:
imfae · 31/12/2024 06:06

This is a tough but informative thread . I do genuinely believe that the vast majority of people are kind and want the best for others .
I do think that sadly this has probably lessened over time , where people have got more materialistic and selfish .There is a horrible culture of people out for themselves , but I would still want to believe that these are in the minority .
I do think a factor is how life due to the cost of living etc has become harder for a lot of people and perhaps they don't have anything extra to give as they feel ground down .

I also greatly believe in the welfare state and do not for a minute begrudge a penny of taxes to support those who are unable to work / look after themselves .

I think every life matters ( ok may be not those who are truly evil Putin etc) . So it is very sad to read of those of you who question what their purpose in existing is for .Lots of us do care about you and want you to lead as happy and as fulfilled a life as you can .

There is a distinction between those who are happy to lead a more quiet / less interactive life as they find the alternative too overwhelming and those who lead such a life due to other factors . These factors as others have said can be due to disabilities , mental health and or neuro diversity .

I intensely dislike those posters here and elsewhere who lack basic human empathy and are judgemental. We see it playing out lots of times on here in e.g the relationship boards where people in crisis are e.g criticised for lifestyle choices they have already made .

I do wish people / posters would try and understand why people are in the position that they are and look at the person and their feelings / circumstances rather than just the facts .

Please keep posting and take care FlowersFlowersFlowers.

worriedhidinginplainsight · 31/12/2024 06:17

@mootlepip my reply was 100% genuine. Thank you for replying to me

Crackers4cheese · 31/12/2024 06:39

live and let live
they are not hurting you

Boredlass · 31/12/2024 06:48

My son will end up like this but he has autism and struggles outside. It’s not so straightforward sometimes so don’t just assume they are lazy

Lourdes12 · 31/12/2024 06:53

I knew someone like this but he also has symptoms of ME. He eventually took his own life.

Chocolatesnowman2 · 31/12/2024 06:54

To continue what I was saying..
I mentioned my son up thread ,but I also am diagnosed with autism.
And if I wasn't already in a marriage/home /family
I think I'd possibly be in the same situation as my son .
Life feels a lot more difficult now than it did in the early 1990s when I was becoming an adult..there's more people about ..and it feels like there is more violent crime ,it feels like there's less opportunities and things cost more .
I think if I was a young adult now ,with all my difficulties,I'd really struggle to find a place in society
For a start I met my husband ( only relationship I've ever had and struggle to maintain) at university...but I had a grant and didn't have to pay fees ..I definitely would not of gone in today's climate of debt after uni..
We also bought a house very young ..that wouldn't happen now ..I wouldn't be able to afford to live where we are living if we were either renting or trying to buy a house now .
I can't type ,and my computer skills are none existent and that part of the world definitely moved on without me
I feel personally
The world has moved on ,and l feel ,left behind and also scared for my autistic children's future...I can't see how they will manage independence
So any positives to my life ,that I'm eternally grateful for
are all due to the time I was I was growing up
,and none would be possible now in 2024 ..
Everything feels so much harder for a lot of people now

TulipsTwoLips · 31/12/2024 06:55

Depression. It takes all the joy out of the things you mention.

WhatNoRaisins · 31/12/2024 07:01

I think I came close to this in my 20s. I was working but couldn't afford to move out of my parents house. I'd really tried some different avenues to meet people and create a social life but none of them lead to anything. It was really depressing and I got to a point where I felt like I had to stop trying.

I got out of it when me and my long distance partner decided we'd take the gamble of relocating to another part of the country. It seemed to work and I have friends and a life. Otherwise I think I'd have probably eventually saved enough for a deposit on a flat but suspect that I'd just have been working and not really interacting with the real world any more than necessary.

When you get to a point where you feel like the world has nothing to offer you I think it's very difficult to come back from that.

WishinAndHopin · 31/12/2024 07:03

My brother is 31 and like this. He’s severely mentally ill.

We think he also has Pathological Demand Avoidance - he can’t even cope with his own internal demands like cleaning his teeth, eating etc.

He can’t cope with the mental demand of anything physical including hobbies, so he just paces up and down all day daydreaming. He daydreams about his ideal life where he can be normal and productive. No video games. He does faff on his phone or youtube for hours a day.

He eats uncooked food out of packets (eg crisps) and a meal when he can mentally cope with my mum cooking for him. He eats the same strange meal over and over again (pasta, hummus, and mixed frozen vegetables). He does take supplements to compensate.

His house is still hoarded from when our dad died a few years ago. He can’t cope with cleaning or maintenance.

He can’t cope with basic life admin and needed a lot of help to go on benefits after our dad died. (He had been living off the benefits of my dad - also mentally ill - and another elderly relative. In exchange my brother was their mental support as they had severe autophobia, so they were delighted for my brother to never go out).

He left school in year 9 and has no qualifications or work experience.

He doesn’t socialise as he has strange and unreasonable beliefs about people, and fixates on things you don’t have in common, instead of what you do have in common.

He’s extremely depressed and has no confidence.

He is polite to outsiders on the rare occasions he sees them, but rude to me and my mum and we never know what is going to upset him. He often perceives basic suggestions or questions as unbearable demands, but not always, and there’s no consistency in what triggers him. He is paranoid and always thinks the worst of people’s intentions and thinks we are deliberately triggering him for fun.

He says the pathological demand avoidance feels like his brain shuts down from intense stress and he literally can’t do things, not that he merely doesn’t want to.

The more he stays inside, the less capable he becomes.

I do think this is becoming more common due to the hopeless society we are living in. I also suspect pollutants etc are building up and affecting our brains in ways we don’t yet understand. Finally I think video games, computers and smart phones are rotting people’s brains, and these have only been around for a couple of decades.

But we do need to remember that until recent history, people this mentally ill would have just perished. In advanced societies we can support them.

Joystir59 · 31/12/2024 07:08

Scutterbug · 30/12/2024 23:20

I guess I qualify as somebody who has dropped out of life.

I have no job, no friends, no hobbies.
I don’t leave the house.
I only see my family day to day or occasionally a delivery driver.

I have severe anxiety so my life is very small. It makes me very suicidal.

Why have you done this to yourself? Have you sought help?

Whatanidiot123 · 31/12/2024 07:13

@PreferMyAnimals I realise I’m taking a very unimaginative view of success here - having relationships, a family maybe, a fulfilling job, financial independence, travel, interests outside of the home etc. I appreciate that this isn’t the same for everyone. In the case of my cousin, it seems to me that illness is stopping him from doing things he might otherwise want to do and that feels sad to me.

FlatWhiteExtraHot · 31/12/2024 07:13

Delphinium20 · 31/12/2024 03:02

At first, I wasn't quite sure why I was bothered by the comments from posters saying how they won't go out because of other people, or it's simply people in general who they don't care for. From what I can tell, those posters aren't hurting anyone by staying home and not interacting with others (as long as they aren't mooching off family and friends). But I reread this thread and realized it's the nihilism of these posters that feels chilling. If you say you truly can't stand other people, that means all of us commenting on this board, or anyone you may run into at the shop, on the street, the delivery driver or anyone else in the normal course of living. If others are willing to give you the benefit of the doubt, why can't you assume good of others too? Of course, many people can behave awfully, but most people are not doing anything wrong most of the time.

Edited

I think a lot of us in this situation have been consistently hurt by “people” and shown that our trust is misplaced.

I had a good job, a great social life, and (I thought) lots of friends. I became disabled through no fault of my own and had to give up my job. It turned out the friends were actually just acquaintances who didn’t give a shit about me if I wasn’t doing stuff for them or available to listen to their problems.

Being disabled exacerbated my depression and anxiety, which brought on agoraphobia. My world has shrunk to my four walls, because inside them no one will hurt me. I’m not unhappy though; I have my DH and adult kids and plenty of things that interest me within my home.

Pickleton1992 · 31/12/2024 07:16

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

CatherineCawoodsbestie · 31/12/2024 07:16

It is interesting.

Firstly, I have 2 ND children, as am I. They are both more comfortable within the home and just the four of us. I work FT and the kids just about manage school, but need to spend the evenings predominantly alone to recover.

Both have misphonia and need to eat alone.

we do try to impress upon them that work is not an option and they will need to find ways to adapt to manage the workplace, or find WFH or SE careers.

I work in adult social care. We work with an increasing number of predominately males who have lived the sort of lives that the OP has detailed. Most manage to some extent whilst parents are still alive , but come to the attention of services in their 40s/50s/60s following the death of parents. At this stage, many have no life skills, addiction issues, poverty and poor mental and physical health due to lifestyles. Lots of living in squalor, self neglect, alcohol induced dementia, diabetes, strokes, COPD etc. Some die young, end up in older persons care homes or needing carers at a young age. Whilst there are more suitable care homes for younger adults, these are often much more expensive than older adults provision (12k a month versus 4 k a month), so the LA won’t fund it. It is terribly sad - and I have no idea what the solutions are. I am sure many of them are ND, but the decimation of supported housing, MH and addiction services and so on has had a huge effect.

Neveragain8102 · 31/12/2024 07:17

I live like this - except I have a job too.

I've learned since a very young age that the works abc the people in it is generally a really bloody shitty place (because of the generally shitty people)

I'm nearly 50 now - I've no more time, patience nor energy to deal with it except on a very limited basis.

The OP is a perfect example of why I don't bother engaging much - any perception in 'difference' and the world judges you and treats you accordingly with its narrow minded attitude.

My job is the only thing I find worthy of my time - helping people try to cope with being different and thus marginalised in this horribly judgmental society.

I await the delete

PerditaLaChien · 31/12/2024 07:18

I have a family member like this. Has lived with his mother for 30 years. However he definitely has mental health issues, i have for a long time suspected he is autistic.

Candlestixx · 31/12/2024 07:21

I typed out long replies but deleted them. I have a parent who is very happy my life has turned out like this. Naturally they say to wider family and friends how ashamed they are and how they don't know where they went wrong, and they elicit a great deal of sympathy and attention this way. It suits my parent very well to have me live like this and any small attempt I make to strike out on my own and do anything normal is met with resistance and counter-measures.

anotherusernameforthis · 31/12/2024 07:22

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User135644 · 31/12/2024 07:23

It's a lack of parenting

ThatFluentTiger · 31/12/2024 07:28

Joystir59 · 31/12/2024 07:08

Why have you done this to yourself? Have you sought help?

Do you really think anyone would do this to themselves?! What a ridiculous comment, honestly.

poemsandwine · 31/12/2024 07:28

Joystir59 · 31/12/2024 07:08

Why have you done this to yourself? Have you sought help?

In what way do you think this is helpful? Or did you just want to stick the boot in?

And people wonder why some of us withdraw.

WhatNoRaisins · 31/12/2024 07:29

Yeah I remember a lot of people who were maybe well intentioned that would say stuff that just reinforced why I didn't want to try anymore.

Neveragain8102 · 31/12/2024 07:30

WhatNoRaisins · 31/12/2024 07:29

Yeah I remember a lot of people who were maybe well intentioned that would say stuff that just reinforced why I didn't want to try anymore.

Yup.

This thread has lots of delightful examples.

FlatWhiteExtraHot · 31/12/2024 07:31

User135644 · 31/12/2024 07:23

It's a lack of parenting

Don’t be ridiculous. My parents did a perfectly good job, as evidenced by the fact I had a 25+ year career, and I’ve managed a long marriage and brought up my now adult children.

There comes a point where society has to stop blaming parents for everything. Adults by definition are free to make their own choices.

WhatNoRaisins · 31/12/2024 07:35

With my parents, they grew up in a different time and had a different sort of upbringing. They tried to help but a lot of their advice hadn't aged well. To be fair they did teach me good financial skills which meant at least when I was a drop out I was saving loads of money which eventually went on my house deposit.

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