People who drop out of life

[Dappy777]

Over the last week or so I've had two separate conversations about people who've 'dropped out' of life – no job, no friends, no interest in anything.

Last night, for example, I went for a meal with a family friend who was telling us about his youngest brother. He is 30, lives with their mum, and has no life at all. He has no job, no relationship, no hobbies and very few friends. He spends all day in the flat eating takeaways and drinking, then sleeps most of the afternoon, wakes up around 8pm and sits up all night playing video games. He's never been abroad, and never even been to London (he lives in north Essex).

I had a similar chat on Christmas Day. A neighbour told me about his brother and how he's "given up on life" (as my neighbour put it). Doesn't work, date, socialize, pursue hobbies, nothing.

It isn't so much the not dating or not working that puzzles me. Plenty of people don't want a serious relationship, or kids, or even a job. I can even understand not socialising (I'm a bit of an introvert myself). What I find so puzzling is the lack of interest in life/being alive – you know, just going for a walk on a spring morning, or swimming in the sea, or looking at the stars. Is it depression do you think? I know of quite a few people like this – young people who play video games, smoke weed, and seem to have opted out of the world. I don't know if it's my imagination, but it seems to be more common. Is it just me?

I have a couple of friends who opted out in their forties and are now in their sixties, live off rental income after successful early careers and getting inheritance so that's the "enabling factor" if you like, but weed is the common denominator for them I think. They just haven't the energy and don't care.

I chucked a lodger out some time ago, he was overbearing and interfering and difficult to live with.

Now he lives alone, no job, never had a relationship, no hobbies no nothing. He lived similarly before moving in here.

He has ASD. He used to have a job (inherited family business) but drove the business into tbe ground as just didn't know how to do it.
Lives off UC and is encouraged to get a job but doesn't want to.

It's hard to feel sorry for him, I do a bit but he was such a pain while loving here. And now he wants to move back in...

It is according to @mnreader

Shocking ignorance and prejudice on this thread.

I have said for a while that depression and anxiety are is the true silent pandemic at the moment. So many people I know suffering quietly from mental health problems. Makes me wonder where we are all going wrong, living our lives in an unsustainable materialistic way maybe? My brother is one of these people who has ‘dropped out’. He believes he had cheated ‘the system’ and is now heavily in to conspiracies and spends most of his time on the internet and smoking weed. Such a waste of a life. He actually was one of the most intelligent people I have met but now lives off my mum’s money, doesn’t go out and talks constantly about how superior he is because he has ‘seen the light’. Obviously his MH is shot to pieces but he won’t admit that.

Also interesting how mostly it seems to be men who drop out. I guess women don’t have the luxury of doing this most of the time, being carers in some capacity to children or relatives or husbands.

You realise that those you speak of frequently do engage with the skeleton services that exist. You seem to think there's this wealth of support across services that is timely, effective, and involves joined up thinking across organisations.

This is bordering on magical thinking.

Services are poorly funded, poorly staffed, thd different sectors aren't joined up, there are gaps the size of football fields....but all people can do it sit and point fingers and suggest 'non engagement'.

The vast majority of people who are doing ok are there by pure luck more than effort.

You've got it in one- this is how my 41-year-old brother funds his lifestyle.

I detached from the world and felt like I was going mad but, luckily, only for a few days. I would stay in my bedroom (after dropping my daughter off at school) with the blinds down and curl up in my bed, not eating or sleeping. This was following a relationship breakdown.

After forcing myself to visit the GP, she reassured me it was a typical reaction in my circumstances (so I wasn’t going mad afterall) and, after a week or so I was able to go back to work. I still struggled with anxious pains in my stomach for six months or so but I am fortunate that, somewhere, I found some kind of resilience/motivation to get back into life and carry on functioning.

Recluses existed long before the internet. In some societies, hermits were considered the wisest and most enlightened of all.

What could someone be doing in their room/house/hut/trailer with the door closed all day every day?

They could be reading. Writing. Drawing, painting, sculpting, "crafting", knitting, etc. Listening to, composing, playing music. Meticulously researching specific areas of interest, be they arcane or mundane (or some of each). Learning a language or a skill (e.g., programming). Gaming. Chatting with strangers around the world. Online shopping/flipping. Endlessly surfing the internet for the next dopamine hit.

None of this is to my personal taste; I get twitchy if I go several months without travelling internationally and in between I keep sane by taking field trips in my local area and long nature walks, as well as a lot of other outdoor active pursuits. But why are my interests (hobbies, obsessions, leisure time activities) any more or less legitimate than those of a hypothetical shut-in?

What do you think about the fact that you only take and not give from other people? E.g. the farmers that produce your food, the workers at the sewage facility that your house eventually uses, the engineers at the power plant that produces the electricity/gas that you use. They all work and hence give something to other people, rather than just take.

Unless that poster lives in some kind of barter-based micro society like a kibbutz or commune, the people making these contributions get paid for their work. And if they DO live on a kibbutz or commune, that community will likely deal on a case-by-case basis with the specific case of someone who can't/won't "contribute" in the traditional, expected ways.

What happens when there is no-one but the taxpayer to fund it? Given the explosion of conditions such as ADHD and autism how is society going to fund this?

UBI? The basic idea is that "society" (sorry, Margaret Thatcher) is driven not by individuals, organised groups, or governments but by corporations, whose interest is in profit. Citizens are NOT primarily workers/producers of value, but buyers/consumers of goods and services. As long as overall spending increases, who cares where the money comes from? (Or something like that; Elon Musk is figuring it out right now so stay tuned).

I’m glad I’ve found this thread, it’s helpful to read posts from people who don’t want to go out because DD2 would love to just stay in her room and never do anything, but can’t really explain why. She has depression (medicated, has regular appointments with a doctor) and has never been into gaming or social media at all but people keep saying to cut off the WIFI or some such crap, as though that’s the reason she’s like this.

@bittertwisted I am in a similar position as you, DP enables his DS to do absolutely nothing. There are no underlying reasons such as MH diagnoses. I too am struggling with the respect I have for my DP because of it.

I think years ago the working environment supported men with their mental health - men worked with men down the mines, in the army, on building sites or at the steelworks. There was chat and banter, very often after work men got together in the working men's club to chat and have a pint. We seem to have lost this way of working, people WFH, go to the office and drive home. The sense of 'community' is gone, men rarely get together which I think doesn't help their mental health.

I think some ( particularly older) people badly underestimate how much of a life you can have on line now.
Friends, games, sex, even love! It’s all there.. and effortless.

I think their on line life is providing a lot of the things other people get from the outside world. Socialising with other people, the competition of games replacing ambition and success in work, other worlds that stimulate and interest them. Highs from drugs, alcohol and food. They are not so very different, still human beings with the same drivers, they are just meeting them in different ways. Sometimes because it's easier, other times because they have no choice, because for one reason or another the outside world doesn't give them what they need.

This is a really interesting point. My brother also went to private school and I really feel he never integrated in to society well after that. He could never talk to women normally and I think he always thought they were some kind of alien species! 😂 So had trouble forming relationships.

We have a close relative like this. Lives with his parents in an outbuilding in their garden. We don't know too many details, as his parents seem reluctant to discuss the details (we assume rent free). In his case, there are complicated factors in his childhood (pre-teen) which involved a period of unschooling and travelling around. Things did settle down and he did go to school and eventually university. We know he looks for work, but seems to want to work in a very specific sector which is notoriously difficult to break into. Therefore he spends his time gaming and hasn't had a job since graduation (years ago now). It is very sad, because if his childhood had been more stable then things could look very different for him.

My brother is a little like this at the moment. He was working and living with my mum, doing a lot of caring in her last couple years with COPD. She passed away Jan 2023 and since then he has struggled with anxiety and depression. He has been on long term sick and barely does anything outside the house. I’m not sure how to help him.

Our neighbours are a woman in her 80s and her son in his 60s. He's never, to my knowledge, had a job, a relationship or any friends. He only goes out to the Tesco Express. He's very often outside gardening or doing maintenance, seems happy enough and is chatty and pleasant towards us, they've popped in for a cup of tea a few times and always give the children sweets for Christmas. There's nothing obviously "wrong" with him but I would assume some kind of mental health difficulties or neurodiversity to live that way.

What I find sad is that the house is falling down around them, they don't have the money to properly maintain it. Also his mum is very frail and unwell now and I can imagine him really declining when she's gone.

I could easily become reclusive as I suffer from bouts of anxiety and getting low so I can understand people that are.

Having said that I think it gets selfish when people don't help themselves to try and live a better life or when family enable them by funding the lifestyle. It may get to the point when that lifestyle can no longer go on and then other people have to intervene to try and help.

Unpopular opinion but true

Society has such huge expectations ,I think .If you are not seen to be "doing" something there is something "wrong" with you .Jobs are hard to come by and are often difficult for people who are ND .Just getting up ,getting there on time.Then being with other people and fitting in .Apart from targets or whatever .Just because OPs friend hasnt been abroad or to London ,Its not the centre of the universe! (I was born and brought up in London) If they are happy then so what.

This is a damaging way to look at it.
no one owes anyone anything.
the mother chose to give life, she is owed nothing.

There's always a reason people are like like this, so it's not to be judged harshly. It's finding ways to help that is so difficult.

In my family it is due to ADHD, autism and anxiety. The ADHD part is now medicated which helps but the rest is finding coping strategies. The family member who lives like this is extremely creative and earns a small living doing their own thing and lives with someone with similarly ND.

Absolutely. I (female) have two sisters and a brother. All four of us with the same parents. One sister is a single parent who is a consultant paediatric oncologist- I literally can't imagine a more emotionally demanding job. My other sister is the mother of an absolutely perfect child, but who has a medical condition and disability which means they will never talk or live independently. Both sisters are tough as anything, wonderful mothers and have got on with their difficult circumstances without any complaint.

And yet my brother is the one who gets funded by my parents to eat takeaways and spend his life on the internet, as he hasn't worked in seven years.

There are some terrible opinions on here.
My son is like this, he has worked but couldn't cope. He lives alone on benefits. I support him by helping to keep his home clean and sorting his appts as he just cannot do it. He will come to us but has had enough after 2 hours.
He was sexually assaulted at 7 years old and now has severe anxiety and depression. He has had counselling and is medicated but he cannot "get over it".
So excuse me if he's not a productive member of society. Society didn't do much to help him when they put a home for disturbed youngsters at the end of our street and let them roam without supervision.
Some of you should be ashamed of the way you think. I wish with all my heart that my son didn't have to live like this.

But those farmers, engineers, sewage workers get paid for what they do, they are not ‘giving’ anything to society as charity.