People who drop out of life

[Dappy777]

Over the last week or so I've had two separate conversations about people who've 'dropped out' of life – no job, no friends, no interest in anything.

Last night, for example, I went for a meal with a family friend who was telling us about his youngest brother. He is 30, lives with their mum, and has no life at all. He has no job, no relationship, no hobbies and very few friends. He spends all day in the flat eating takeaways and drinking, then sleeps most of the afternoon, wakes up around 8pm and sits up all night playing video games. He's never been abroad, and never even been to London (he lives in north Essex).

I had a similar chat on Christmas Day. A neighbour told me about his brother and how he's "given up on life" (as my neighbour put it). Doesn't work, date, socialize, pursue hobbies, nothing.

It isn't so much the not dating or not working that puzzles me. Plenty of people don't want a serious relationship, or kids, or even a job. I can even understand not socialising (I'm a bit of an introvert myself). What I find so puzzling is the lack of interest in life/being alive – you know, just going for a walk on a spring morning, or swimming in the sea, or looking at the stars. Is it depression do you think? I know of quite a few people like this – young people who play video games, smoke weed, and seem to have opted out of the world. I don't know if it's my imagination, but it seems to be more common. Is it just me?

Does work but very part time from home. Has own flat but is subsidised by well off mother.

@unmemorableusername There’s the key to his lifestyle.

If she’s happy funding him and it’s not impoverishing her to do so, that’s fine, the wealthy have always had the option to do what they like.

Most of us don’t have the means to do this though! I need to earn money to pay the bills as will my children. Staying in our rooms gaming simply isn’t an option for us, we have to earn money!

More is expected of people now other than perhaps menial jobs and even they require training and health and safety micromanaging. Job applications are very complicated and the selection process often involves several steps. People are expected to be more extrovert and social with 'normal' communication skills. Constant training and updating, constant monitoring and evaluation from line managers, health and safety and general bureaucracy has increased. Pay isn't particularly good and single people struggle to pay rent let alone buy somewhere. This all leads to housing insecurity which is very stressful in itself. My ds has to move every 6-12 months due to rent increases and he only rents a single room in shared accommodation.

When I first started work it was assumed that employees were somewhat trained and intelligent people. When I finished my regular employment I was undergoing 'training' that your average chimpanzee could probably manage, in addition to being micromanaged to the nth degree. I was better qualified and experienced than my line manager, yet she had me doing all manner of rubbish because she lacked confidence and didn't trust the qualified staff. The job got gradually more and more stressful until I packed my career in because I burned out.

If I'm honest I'm not sure- I'm 63 and was a freelancer for the majority of my career- but younger people always seem stressed by their jobs, but it's an assumption it's more demanding than my actually having experience of that- I do wonder though I have don the 60 hours a week under extreme pressure, in the past, but if the goal of homeownership had not not before me I'm not sure I would have stuck it out.

My sister is "friends" with a woman like this.

She must be about 41 now, lives with her elderly parents in the house, and bedroom she grew up in. Hasn't had a job since graduating university in about 2004. Her reactions to minor everyday irritants are so extreme and peculiar. She's completely non-functioning. I dread to think what is going to happen when her elderly parents die/can't manage the house any more.

I've had a few minimum wage positions and all have involved online courses ( usually only some overtime paid to complete them ) and all manner of ' tick box ' exercises that were not always easy to do. The employers assume you have the internet / mobile phones too , all an added extra cost. No wonder people are fed up and often the managers are just horrible too
No wonder some opt out ( if they can )
I can understand why some people do. Some Jobs are low paid and stressful and your treated like a number

@squirrelnutcartel I really disagree with you. The recruitment process is more convoluted and difficult. But women used to be treated in ways in the workplace that are now very rare. And micro managing was also a thing back then.
What has changed are the stupid tick box online courses that are to stop employers being sued.

There do seem to be a lot of people like this. I have a close relation in this state. He is in his 40s and has never left home. He lives with his widowed mother, who is 78, has never worked and has few friends. I don't think he's ND. He's just a very withdrawn, anxious, introverted, low-energy kind of person – probably mildly depressed as well. In person he's very likeable – kind, intelligent, good conversationalist, etc. He's just used to living that way.

But what the hell will happen when his mum dies? He'll get an inheritance, but everything will be divided between him and his sister. He won't be able to buy her share of the house, and (even if care costs don't eat up the money) he'll only have enough to buy a small flat. He'll then have to adjust to living alone in a new place, and he'll have to find a way of paying his bills.

I have a nasty feeling many homeless people begin like that. You know, never learned to work and take care of themselves, lived off an ageing parent, and then, when the parent died, had a breakdown and ended up on the streets. In a way, they're worse off than addicts or psychotics. As hard and tragic as such lives can be, at least they're in the system. There are people ready to help them. The ones who fall between the cracks are people like your sister's friend, who have nothing obviously wrong but have never learned to cope. When the parents die, it's all too much. They get some inheritance, but that soon goes, then they can't pay their bills, get into debt and end up having a breakdown and being kicked out.

I knew a man who was homeless and used to walk the streets every day near where I worked. Apparently he had lived with his mother until she died, and then could not cope with life. Various services tried to help him, but he seemed incapable of helping himself

We use "ND" as a broad term these days. There is of course much more ADHD and ASD around in our changing world. There is also more narcissism and some of these people who fail to fully launch have narcissistic personality styles, of the "vulnerable" kind, which is comorbidity of the conditions that we tend to assume we are referring to with the shorthand "ND".

I don't think the people living like this care if they survive or not. It's only society and their parents invested in keeping them around. But at the same time do nothing but complain about these people. It's the reasons so many who are depressed think others will be better off without them. Can you blame them.

I hear you. It is a thin line that we tread everyday.
Yes very true you are told to speak up when you are struggling but people are also told to stop moaning, stop complaining, think positive thoughts, stop being negative, stop bringing the mood down, not to be so draining... Sometimes life is negative/events are negative. This is a fact. Some friends (including family) are strictly there for the kicks and giggles; for all sorts of reasons they choose?! not to get involved with anymore.

I want to add something to this. Is anyone watching the traitors?

I'm watching now and it's so stressful. But this is how interactions are when you start work or mix in society - every little thing you say gossiped about, people trying to turn others against you if you stand out in any way

One of the things that scares me about socialising again - i think I'm ready and then I watch a show like this and think this is people and know i can't do it

This is really a very interesting and informative thread

I haven't seen it, but I know not everyone is like how you describe.

There is certainly no sympathy for such people. Addicts and schizophrenics, and so on, who often end up homeless, have a recognized problem. But someone shy, withdrawn, socially awkward, etc, who lives at home with mum and dad, is often seen as a loser or parasite.

I remember someone online describing the woman next door as being like this. She had dropped out of university, returned home and stayed there ever since. She was in her 40s and her parents were both in their 80s. The person who posted said "god knows what will happen to her when her mum and dad die. It's a car crash we're curious to watch," then added a smiley face! As if this poor woman's life was f*ing episode of Eastenders! In other words, the prospect of this woman having a breakdown was entertainment to her. I was so angry I wrote "maybe stock up on the popcorn then."

A nihilist. Resonates with me. Fortunately i somehow managed to survive my 20s and participate in society (work, socialise, kids, exercise, etc). I'm purely driven by saving to retire and drop off grid though.

It was a woman.

No gaming.

To be fair to her she doesn't need much to live on as she has nothing to spend money on.

In every social group I've encountered, this has been the case 🥺

@mumofoneAlonebutokay I’m watching but I think that’s a very particular type of environment- a game show where people have signed up to win money and know they have to play the game to win. They’re chosen for their ability to create drama and be watchable. In everyday life with a less pressurised environment people can be more collaborative and friendly (though not everyone is of course!)

Exactly. It’s silly to think Traitors is some kind of realist slice of life! It’s cast just as carefully as a drama series with actors would be cast, and even then that group is chosen out of the self-selecting group of people interested in being in a competitive environment on tv. A televised game show involving competitive betrayal and alliances is in no way representative of society.

That is awful.
But actually a lot of people had sympathy for this man and tried to help him. He would accept a meal and stayed in a hostel when it was cold, but he did not seem to have the capacity to engage in any help to get him settled and off the street. People still have to turn up for appointments, complete forms even if with help from someone doing it with them, etc. For whatever reason, he would not or could not engage.
If someone is struggling with life and living with their parents, those parents really need to engage in services to get support in place for when they die. I know its not easy though, but the issues are unlikely to disappear.

@hugmorecats

This has been my life experience. In every situation at a new job or in a new social group, I've experienced gossip and backstabbing which is then eventually aimed at me

I should mention, I've had retail, sales and corporate jobs in my 20s - all the same

As much as the traitors is a tv show, I think it's a great reflector of life 🥺

@unmemorableusername I wasn’t being critical of your friend, it sounds as if her lifestyle is sustainable, because her family has the means. I also know a couple of ppl from wealthy families and they simply don’t need to earn money the way most ppl do,

Yes.
I was thinking exactly this as I was watching Traitors. The gossiping, inciting suspicion over scrutinising... it is all a form of bullying in the real world. And those fake tears in the workplace can ruin others careers!

100% office bullying!

Maybe that's why it's been my experience, as I've been bullied in every job I've had 😄🥺

Being autistic and socially awkward is the reason I stick out compared to others