People who drop out of life

[Dappy777]

Over the last week or so I've had two separate conversations about people who've 'dropped out' of life – no job, no friends, no interest in anything.

Last night, for example, I went for a meal with a family friend who was telling us about his youngest brother. He is 30, lives with their mum, and has no life at all. He has no job, no relationship, no hobbies and very few friends. He spends all day in the flat eating takeaways and drinking, then sleeps most of the afternoon, wakes up around 8pm and sits up all night playing video games. He's never been abroad, and never even been to London (he lives in north Essex).

I had a similar chat on Christmas Day. A neighbour told me about his brother and how he's "given up on life" (as my neighbour put it). Doesn't work, date, socialize, pursue hobbies, nothing.

It isn't so much the not dating or not working that puzzles me. Plenty of people don't want a serious relationship, or kids, or even a job. I can even understand not socialising (I'm a bit of an introvert myself). What I find so puzzling is the lack of interest in life/being alive – you know, just going for a walk on a spring morning, or swimming in the sea, or looking at the stars. Is it depression do you think? I know of quite a few people like this – young people who play video games, smoke weed, and seem to have opted out of the world. I don't know if it's my imagination, but it seems to be more common. Is it just me?

My dd is autistic

She works part time and try's many new things and has friends. She is extremely intelligent but suffers with anxiety. That's her main concern.

She takes sertraline which helps. She is capable of so much but her autism holds her back as she gets burnt out. She needs and awful lot of sleep and rest and I feel she won't be able to work full time. But I'd rather she was happy and managing to live a full
Life as she can without the pressure That road will lead to all sorts of MH problems. She had therapy and coaching privately which helps

She only has GCSEs as school got to much but she enjoys work.

Funnily enough I had some issues as a teen and always hated working full time. The last 19 years I went part time and was self employed for some time and have been so much happier since. I don't think I'm Autistic but if I am I've worked life out to suit me.

Work is shit for many and even harder for those with ND only the lucky few are in a job they really enjoy.

Interesting question!

I would say you engage with life outside your four walls to some extent. This could be work, friends, family, hobbies, volunteering, attending a place of worship etc. Taking interest in other people and the world.

This doesn’t need to be anything fancy- chatting to work colleagues over a coffee and showing up to church most Sundays would count in my book.

Something to connect you to society and be an active participant in life.

One thing that strikes me listening to a lot of stories, is that a lot of people are able to live like this because someone else funds them to do so.

@Scutterbug if you feel your anxiety is too much sometimes talking about your fears helps, I would recommend calling The Samaritans who are excellent listeners.

Also it doesn't help that there are so few mental health services designed for those who are ND. Many therapies just don't work for those who are ND and there are few if any alternatives.

I think this has been mentioned a few times on this thread now, but seeing it written here makes it sound even worse.

No one chooses to be born, so why is there an expectation that once someone is alive, they are then indebted to contribute to a "society" for the next 70 years, that they never asked to be part of?

Why must they be interested in other people, or attend a church to worship a made-up deity, or volunteer their time to "help" other people (all of whom will eventually die, regardless of the help), or devote time to an arbitrary "hobby", just to prove that they are a participant in the society that other humans have constructed?

If some people want to do those things, because it gives them something to do to fill their time, then fine. But why is it an expectation? What an awful existence we are born into.

Because, to put it bluntly in times gone by you would have had no choice not to engage with society. Humans are a co operative species who work together for safety, food and basic needs, life is better when you pool resources and skills. If you did not engage with society you most probably would not survive.

That is no longer the case now we have a complex society and support structures not everyone needs to engage, but most humans still have that basic primal drive to work together.

Also as others have said our modern society is not magic, it relies on everyone doing their bit to keep the whole show on the road - it is more fragile than you think.

Yes, you are right. In previous eras people like me wouldn't have survived. But that would probably have been better.
Modern society tries to keep everyone alive, even those who have no desire to be, and indoctrinates us to believe that we should keep going regardless.
Maybe there should be a much easier opt-out for people who have no desire to "contribute" or "participate."

Nope - there literally is no point!

I don't know. I suppose then I would be an entirely different person. I have felt this way for as long as I can remember, so I don't know what I would think if I were someone else.
If I had been born with a different brain maybe I would enjoy the things that other people seem to, but as me, no I can't imagine ever wanting to do anything. In your scenario I guess I'd need to die and be born as a different person.

I used to have a friend who has such a small life.

Does work but very part time from home. Has own flat but is subsidised by well off mother.

Has serial LTRs who eventually get bored of the 4 walls.

No outside hobbies.

Actively hates socialising.

Can't drive.

Won't travel.

Mostly shops online.

Won't use a phone for speaking.

Never tried social media, not ever on Facebook or anything.

All school friends have faded away over the years.

Is PG level intelligence but never watches news/reads a paper/ magazine so absolutely no idea about politics/ current affairs.

It's just a waste of a life!

Waste of a life to you maybe. Perhaps not to them.

If you don't work in some countries then you just starve. Some have a safety net for a short-term crisis only or charity.

This kind of dropping out has always happened, but the subjects would have to fund it with a dead end job- clearly in this case the parent(s) fund it.
I think it is on the rise as modern employment is very demanding, and it's difficult to find decent wages, there is no prospect of being able to own a home and having a family would generate huge pressure-so people they do that.
They try to get what they can from life without stress, it's an understandable response when a relationship and a career is so difficult and stressful.

The people that I know who live like this are autistic/adhd. I'm audhd, but have never had much will to be alive and my life is just an existence really. I've always worked, but the world is more complex now and it's harder for ND people to survive. Most of us don't really want to be here tbh. My adult dcs are ND, but I constantly worry that they'll end up like this. Getting and holding down a job is very difficult and ND people burn out easily. If I wasn't religious I'd probably believe that a euthanasia service should be available to anyone who doesn't want to be here. As it is, most of them neglect themselves to death. People shouldn't judge, as they don't know how depressing such a life is, and there's no way out other than suicide. We don't enjoy being socially isolated and unemployable.

I’m not saying people should or shouldn’t participate in life.

We have autonomy and it’s completely up to them.

The question was what is the definition of “participating in society”. So I was just giving my definition of that. Without moral judgment as to whether people should do that or not.

Too easy not to do any of that if you’re up all night gaming.

We have a family member who also does this. So much potential going to waste 😔.

Not arguing with your other points but is modern employment any more demanding than employment always was?

I wonder if it's the management bullshit for some people. Only anecdotal but some of the people that seemed most cheerful at work were those doing quite manual jobs where there wasn't as much scope for the managers to interfere with how they worked.

I feel like I’ve dropped out of life. Until lockdown, I was very sociable, went on holidays two or three times a year, and had what seemed like a dream life on the surface. I was married, financially stable, and had a good job. However, beneath it all, my marriage was abusive, and I often felt like the “dream” was a trade-off for enduring the abuse. My ex-husband didn’t like me working, and although I had a job, I was constantly walking on eggshells.

I became pregnant twice but miscarried both times. The second loss was at eight weeks, and the first, much harder, at just shy of 21 weeks. I still think about it to this day, wondering if I over-exercised or ate the wrong foods. The “what ifs” never seem to go away.

Eventually, I left my husband. The divorce was rushed through and paid for by him, but I didn’t receive any settlement. I couldn’t afford a lawyer and just wanted to escape the situation.

In 2021, I started feeling unwell and was constantly at the GP. By 2022, I was diagnosed with cancer. At first, my friends were so so supportive, but over time they faded away. One even admitted she couldn’t cope because it brought back painful memories of her mum’s breast cancer. I understand, but it’s been isolating.

I’m now paralysed below the waist, which has made everything harder. Recently, I had a stay in a hospital 70 miles away. I woke up one night in terrible pain, and for the first time, I truly felt alone. My family were too far away to visit, my friends didn’t know I was there, and in that moment, I almost gave up.

The nurses came in to check my obs and called the consultant. I was frustrated because I just wanted to sleep, and I remember feeling warm, cosy and peaceful as I drifted off. It was lovely! What I didn’t know was that my heart had stopped. I woke up the next day (or the day after, I’m not sure) and found out they had used a defibrillator on me. I have no memory of anything dramatic, no floating above myself or bright lights, just a warm, cosy feeling.

I don’t know how this will all end or how long I’ve got. But if I recover, I want to start over. I want a new career, a new place, and a fresh chapter. They say life begins at 40, but for me, it feels like mine ended.

I think for many, the lack of interest in life can come from depression, trauma, or health challenges, rather than simply not caring about life itself. I think also, as a society we’re told to speak up when we are struggling, I remember coming on here a while ago and I think I experienced the best and the worst of humanity and it was the worst thing I could have done. When people have experienced this sort of thing, it’s understandable that they’d rather not interact with other humans!

In my case, the circumstances have been overwhelming, but I still hold on to the hope of starting over when I can. I don’t know what I enjoy anymore. I don’t know who I am, what my purpose is, what/where I’m going as it’s so dependent on my health.

Anyhow, Happy New Year to everyone reading this. I truly wish you all the best for 2025 x

Thanks, I’m in regular contact with them x

@mtlso sending 💐 bless u

Oh your story brought a tear to my eye, as I feel like I can relate to the health issues and finding life totally changing beyond recognition. As I posted earlier in this thread, my life changed completely after a head injury and post concussion syndrome before being injured by off label psychotropic drugs and having a neurological involuntary movement disorder, so I understand the anger, pain and frustration of having the control taken away from you. I absolutely agree that health problems can totally make people retreat from society, especially if their autonomy and ability to work is affected. Being unwell has changed my identity somewhat, and although I'm still "me", I will never feel like I'll ever be the same person as I was before being injured.

Sending you a huge hug for the new year. You sound a lovely person and I hope you can find some pain free days being happier.

Such as cleaners ? Yep no one cares about the cleaner . I've done cleaning jobs and loved them for that reason . No pressure, no hassle , go home and switch off .

Whew.

That was a long read - one of my "rules" never comment on a thread until you've read it!

I'm ND - I have worked off and on for 35 years (53) and work part time / 4 days a week / 32 hrs. I work at the end of the social prescribing chain in community gardens with people who have been signposted to the services. My dream job. In between I have burnt out / dropped out more than once.

I have two ND children, both of which (boys) have at one time or another had issues and wanted to stay in their rooms and opt out of participation, this has not been an option in my house (and I'm aware that it's not always possible to intervene) I have been cruel to be kind. One of them was bullied at school and wanted to not go to school - I worked in FE at that time and had dealt with children who had EBSA - it made me fight tooth and nail (with the school - for them to step up and fulfil their safeguarding responsabilities) for him to continue to attend and there were times, after I had forced him in to school that I sat in my car crying my eyes out. So far we have progress - he's finishing a degree in a practical subject and working two days a week in his chosen career - hoping to secure a full time position after graduating.

My other son had a crisis of confidence after doing a WFH job during the pandemic and it took a good 6 months and some volunteering work that I secured for him, that he could do that was within his capabilities (just) for him to get out of his man cave! He works part time in a bar and for a local arts organisation. He pays rent to us (token, but he should) I think that he may never have a desk job, and I think possibly not a full time role, either - he's similaly wired like me, however - he probably will be able to make his own way in the world, haveing few wants - he's very unmaterialistic.

I think that we are in for a big societal change within the next few years and I think that the skills that we will need may not be those that we use today. So it's anyones guess who's going to be able to "contribute"

I personally think people have intrinsic value - and that we're here for a reason. To exist as part of nature and to wonder at the sheer scale of it all.