People who drop out of life

[Dappy777]

Over the last week or so I've had two separate conversations about people who've 'dropped out' of life – no job, no friends, no interest in anything.

Last night, for example, I went for a meal with a family friend who was telling us about his youngest brother. He is 30, lives with their mum, and has no life at all. He has no job, no relationship, no hobbies and very few friends. He spends all day in the flat eating takeaways and drinking, then sleeps most of the afternoon, wakes up around 8pm and sits up all night playing video games. He's never been abroad, and never even been to London (he lives in north Essex).

I had a similar chat on Christmas Day. A neighbour told me about his brother and how he's "given up on life" (as my neighbour put it). Doesn't work, date, socialize, pursue hobbies, nothing.

It isn't so much the not dating or not working that puzzles me. Plenty of people don't want a serious relationship, or kids, or even a job. I can even understand not socialising (I'm a bit of an introvert myself). What I find so puzzling is the lack of interest in life/being alive – you know, just going for a walk on a spring morning, or swimming in the sea, or looking at the stars. Is it depression do you think? I know of quite a few people like this – young people who play video games, smoke weed, and seem to have opted out of the world. I don't know if it's my imagination, but it seems to be more common. Is it just me?

That’s correct. I did. I had an all consuming working life where very high performance was demanded. I also spent the last 4 years helping DH care for my MIL who lost her short term memory. She passed away a few months ago, and we had to clean out her house and settle her estate which was time consuming. We just found a cash buyer and the conveyancing is at the end of this month. I was also active in my union and was a rep for colleagues when my employer was having mass redundancies…I spent the last 3-4 months at work doing this which was emotionally draining.

I retired early and took a buy out because I could afford it and because I was just tired. I honestly don’t feel like doing any more work connected to my field. It is very nice just to be and potter around.

My former colleagues are surprised when I’m not available for more service to the profession. Some are a bit angry I won’t continue doing the voluntary work. Others have contacted me trying to give me a different voluntary role. Although I told them why, they just can’t believe that I want a break. 😄

So, yes, I’ve become a bit of a recluse!

@SereneCapybara Yes, that was the original premise of this thread, the OP was talking about young adults who are expecting their families to provide for them while they stay in their rooms doing nothing much. It’s unsustainable longterm.

You were very wise to help your DS develop the life skills he needs to be independent.

I think there is a massive difference between people cutting back on stuff they are not finding easy or fulfilling in retirement and a 20/30 something having day/night reversal and refusing to leave their room in their parents house because of gaming and a general wish not to engage with the world.

Sure there is. But it gave me insight into why someone might drop out of life. They may be autistic and can’t mask as well, etc. It certainly gave me a lot more empathy for people like this.

Well it’s not like it was say even 7 years ago. Everything is so expensive, food shopping, rent, entertainment, takeaways, going out for a few drinks. I went out for drinks with my mates, and it was £30 for a round of 2 Guinness’s and 3 cokes (it’s criminal). A lot have things have changed since COVID too. No one wants to socialise anymore or if they do it’s all Instagramable and not real life.

@Uricon2 Exactly. At some point, the parents simply won’t be able to provide that level of support and then a middle-aged person with few life skills may find themselves thrust into the world and probably unable to cope. That’s not a good outcome for them at all.

I really wish these electronic /computer games had never been invented, so many young people are addicted to them and completely cut off normal life to play them. 😢

It is also more difficult now due to the cost of living crisis and lack of MH provision. Young people as a whole it seems experience a lot more difficulty getting on.

I know of one couple who fixed up a camper van which they live in and they tour the continent year round. They are artists and sell tapestries and art work to provide their expenses. Both university graduates and stuck in low paying jobs and decided there was more to life. Others become recluses. It is a real problem, and having experience utterly exhaustion/burn out myself, I really can understand much better how people can get into a downward spiral.

Agree and people are in their own little bubbles.

Quite a few parents lack the skill to deal with children with MH or ND issues. My parents for example recognise neither, don’t believe in medication for anything brain-related, and would rather stick their heads in the sand while making you feel like shit about being a miserable loser but giving zero actual help or support for the MH / ND issues. But they won’t kick their kids out or cut off finances, so you end up with grown children living in isolation with flipped day/nights gaming as an escape and sleeping all day to avoid people. Not that I am suggesting they should cut them off or kick them out. But the lack of support from a young age to deal with the MH / ND issues is disastrous. And in addition to this, often what you find are the kids that can stumble through school and make it to university then massively crash and burn. That is again due to lack of proper support, from the institution this time. Then it’s downhill from there.

@difficultpeople

Women in their 50s? Gen X born in the 1970s? The generation who grew up 'having it all'? I think you are confused with the 1950s and women in their 50s.

Women in their 50s went to Uni in the 1990s with ladette culture. Literally, The Spice Girls girl power types.

Exactly this. I know some like this (all young males) and their parents facilitate this lifestyle. Trouble is, they get stuck in a rut without realising. It is depression, and often anxiety, but a lack of socialisation in any way does nothing to help.

In education, staff are taught to look for loners who spend a lot of time gaming, as this is often the MO of incels… I think the problem has always been there, but seems more prevalent now, probably due to the internet as someone else says. Makes it easier to be at home. Lockdown didn’t help; whilst most of us hated it, some revelled in it.

Many years ago, I worked with people who had various kinds of learning disabilities and/or neurodiversity. Much better understood and accepted now, thankfully.

Sometimes these parents had struggled mightily, with few resources, to keep their kids from the sort of institutional care that is (thank God) no more. They had no support and probably did cotton wool their children, even as adults, from sheer fear they might be taken away. I have nothing but respect for them, but today, even the currently pitiful provision does incline to more independent lives. The kids of these brave parents were often left high and dry once they died and without the skills to cope on their own. I could list many instances where things were pulled back and they went on to far greater independence.

This is now and anyone ignoring the future needs of their adult children, ND or not, is doing them no favours.

I love your response - there have always been those who get a kick out of being with others and those who seriously don’t. Not having to waste time and energy on pretending to be the former and to focus on what you are really interested in is a balm to one’s mental health - something to be cherished.
I guess the test is whether the person is happy and content with the seemingly quieter life or not. If not then it could be extreme social anxiety etc that is getting in the way and therapy ( perhaps beginning with online therapy) and good support is the way forward. Not easy for parents !

@ChippedIkeaFurniture I agree, I have a likely ND sibling married to a likely ND partner and both their parents didn't recognise or understand ND so didn't address it. My sibling now (inevitably?) has two ND children... getting my sibling and partner to have their kids assessed and supported has been an uphill struggle - it's not easy to navigate the system the best of circumstances. I suspect I will be supporting my sibling and the kids throughout life, I'm determined to do what I can to keep them out of the abyss into which they could quite easily drop, which means support "with conditions", which I genuinely really dislike having to do (I used to just give, give, give) but know it's kinder to insist on that fact we are all equal, worthy and responsible and so need to contribute what we can.

Lots of videos about Hikikomori on YouTube. I do believe it's a bit of an internet phenomenon and if some of these people still living at home had the WiFi turned off they might just find a way to 'live'. Not the case for all obviously.

A lot of men enter the workforce expecting to have a house and a family of their own by age 25 or so. Considering our parents generation could easily accomplish that if they just tried, it's not a crazy assumption. So when they realize that they're not gonna get to live the life they want, they tend to give up and just do all the little things that make them happy.

Also it doesn't help how the age of the internet has made people less sociable in general and there's so many identity politics going on that we don't have that great feeling of community like we once did.

Also regarding the unemployment thing: jobs are very hard to get for people in some areas so can't blame them for not having a job.

No clue how we can fix this problem but if we don't it's gonna spell a very tough time for the future. Our aging population is hard enough to manage as it is, we have 8 working age people for every pensioner but in 2050 it's only gonna be 4... Future is looking very worrying indeed.

I know a few young people like this who don't work or study, live at home with parents and don’t contribute to the house. Dont often leave bedrooms or visit friends or family. It is really sad to see.

Then get help - try the Samaritans for starters.

I know two men like this, both in their late 30s. Neither have ever gained qualifications, held down a job or had a relationship or even friendships. Both are ND without a doubt and both have had substance misuse issues. It's really sad for them and for their families.

@ZestyJoey

It is a crazy assumption. The only generation in the entirety of history to do this en masse was the Boomer Generation. It's lightning in a bottle. It happened once.

I suspect a lot of it is shame. I have someone in my extended family like this. He's in his 40s, has never left home and never really worked. Nine times out of ten he'll be 'out' when we visit, and his mother will mutter some vague excuse. I'm sure it's because he's ashamed of his life and doesn't want me or my partner asking any personal questions. It's sad, as neither of us would do so.

I think he just couldn't cope with life. It's as simple as that. All the stress of careers and relationships was too much. He's a sensitive, low-energy, introverted sort of character who prefers a quiet, solitary life. Like a lot of people he wouldn't show up on a computer screen. He's never been labelled with anything, never claimed benefits, never contacted social services or sought out any kind of support. Again, I'm sure it's because of shame. He lives off his mother, and she's happy to have him there as she's a widow in her late 70s.

When this was first highlighted in the UK years ago, parents in the UK simply said why did their parents not get them out of their bedroom. It is men who largely do this, because women are rarely enabled to by their parents.
I have met women who struggle with no friends, but their parents get them out of their bedroom and at least make them help with cooking and housework. They are not allowed to totally withdraw.

Pint of beer for £2.50 at weatherspoons here.

I’ve often wondered what percentage of people in monasteries and nunneries in the past were like this…it was a place for them to go and make a contribution and live in a community whilst having a lot of solitary prayer and mediation time.