People who drop out of life

[Dappy777]

Over the last week or so I've had two separate conversations about people who've 'dropped out' of life – no job, no friends, no interest in anything.

Last night, for example, I went for a meal with a family friend who was telling us about his youngest brother. He is 30, lives with their mum, and has no life at all. He has no job, no relationship, no hobbies and very few friends. He spends all day in the flat eating takeaways and drinking, then sleeps most of the afternoon, wakes up around 8pm and sits up all night playing video games. He's never been abroad, and never even been to London (he lives in north Essex).

I had a similar chat on Christmas Day. A neighbour told me about his brother and how he's "given up on life" (as my neighbour put it). Doesn't work, date, socialize, pursue hobbies, nothing.

It isn't so much the not dating or not working that puzzles me. Plenty of people don't want a serious relationship, or kids, or even a job. I can even understand not socialising (I'm a bit of an introvert myself). What I find so puzzling is the lack of interest in life/being alive – you know, just going for a walk on a spring morning, or swimming in the sea, or looking at the stars. Is it depression do you think? I know of quite a few people like this – young people who play video games, smoke weed, and seem to have opted out of the world. I don't know if it's my imagination, but it seems to be more common. Is it just me?

It’s not that it’s not pointless it is. But what’s the alternative? Festering in your bedroom? Mooching about waiting for your life to be delivered?

Who says that people who prefer to have little interaction with the rest of the world is waiting for life to be delivered?

I know of a few of these types of people.

It is a kind of halfway house.

Obviously it is very sad. On the other hand, it is a somewhat "cosy" existence.

Life can be stressful and scary. These people seem to have just chosen to take no part in that.

They don't have any responsibilities to care for anybody but themselves. They don't have any friendships or relationships that might cause them drama or upset, nobody to have expectations of them. They have no real demands on their time, other than work and the people I know tend to the do the bare minimum in fairly stress-free, entry level roles and have no interest in progressing.

It's all completely insular and drama free.

However, it is also a fairly selfish way to live. A colleagues sister is like this. He was really stuck one day with work and childcare commitments and asked her if she could help out. Would have been for half an hour or an hour when she has no other commitments. She just looked kind of taken aback and confused to be asked and said "no, sorry" with no explanation.

It's her right, of course, but it is odd. It's like she's just opted out of all that and was surprised that somebody would ask her for a small favour.

Well yes, staying at home is the easiest option. Not waiting for anything though. As per the thread title, it's essentially "dropping out" of life.

There is a similar issue in Japanese culture and they have a word for it hikikomori. It is a severe form of social withdrawal. I do think it's to do with gaming culture in some of the young men I've personally seen with it. Although they socialise online at night they miss out on face to face day time interactions as they are sleeping. The gaming culture seems intense and pulls people into it somehow. I remember my DSS2 telling me he couldn't eat his dinner downstairs as I was trying to get him out of his room for just 10 minutes because he'd get a penalty in the game. DSS2 has got a working from home job now and is very prosperous due to his lack of wanting to socialise. So there are some plus points for him now. I worry that he's lonely and isolated as he does not go out unless absolutely necessary but he presents as very content with his life.

sounds as though you're a really good parent 👍 you're doing great

I'm very much genuine, and wished I'd never had any health issues after my head injury. Unfortunately I don't qualify for any benefits like PIP (even though i have a neurological movement disorder) so i just have to accept i will be a mum and part time employee, as I'm not sure I'd cope with full time.

But I know of one single mum (and I'm certainly not bashing single mums here at all) who really is a drain on the system and hasn't worked since her daughter was born 16 years ago. She definitely is fit and healthy and I'm pretty sure doesn't need any extra money apart from perhaps reasonable support like housing and child benefits. But there is no reason she couldn't work part time, she had just chosen not to. Obviously, it's her prerogative but I don't think it's a great role model for her DD.

Absolutely 💯 this. I didn't choose to be unwell. I've contributed to society a lot before my head injury, and will continue to work part time and carry on contributing. If it's not quite feasible, I'll cross that bridge. But I personally don't like the idea of just dropping out..my late DB kind of did this, and it was a shame as he had so much wasted potential.

Totally agree. Being ill in any way is not opting out. Though I think opting out and not being nudged to rejoin the world when you are capable of it can lead to MH and physical decline.

FFS 🙄 a few here getting at me for this. I didn't say "all". Can't you read? The ones who don't think that way aren't the ones I'm referring to, obviously. I've met plenty who do think this way. It's my lived experience to have met these people. It's not bullshit, I'm not on glue or a time traveller from another century. I'm saying what I've come across from lots of people. Don't really see what's so difficult to understand about that. Suppose some people just like to take things personally and have "getting needlessly offended" as their hobby.

Is he autistic/adhd? A lot of neurodivergent people don't manage to function as society expects, and if they don't have the correct parental support and guidance it can end up like this.

LakieLady Sorry to hear about your lovely workmate.I think Christmas can be a difficult time for many ,as lovely as it is .Your friend may not have enjoyed her seemingly "perfect" life ,Often we want to tick all the boxes just to feel "fulfilled".In reality she may have been struggling along, and one thing may have pushed her over the edge . She may not have planned it as such .Older women often feel invisible and may be drowning .

And a lot of people mask to fit in to normal, which is exhausting in itself. Sometimes what makes us happy isn't what we are told will.

People with ADHD also struggle with emotional dysregulation. It takes them longer to process emotions which can lead some to opt out of life even if temporarily simply to process their emotions, thoughts and experiences. I have ADHD myself and I do find it hard and need a lot of solitude.

Ah but that doesn't sound like you are opting out of life itself, but that you are opting for a life that suits you.

From the OP, and others on the thread, the worry is when an adult refuses to take responsibility for their life at a basic level. They need shelter, food, clothes but just expect parents to provide as they did in childhood, while the potentially capable adult just zones out on computers all day long and eats fast food rather than prep stuff for themselves.

It matters if someone else is run ragged or compromised. I'm 60. If my adult DC - one of whom has ASD, ADHD and a physical disability, moved back home permanently, I'd feel trapped and exhausted if he refused to participate in life. If I was the only one who ever worked full time but also cleaned, cooked, shopped, paid bills, sorted the garden, planned fun activities and celebrations, I'd feel exhausted and frustrated and anxious for him. But it would be in my power to balance the load more fairly, and I would.

Luckily I don't need to. We both worked incredibly hard for several years to help him master skills he wanted to acquire, that put him at ease socially and give him the resilience and maturity to take on adult responsibility.

I know ´happy families ‘ who don’t socialise outside immediate family, the children only spend time with other children not part of the family at school or activities. So I see dropping out as another side of the growing social isolation of people in general. In earlier times families just had wider social support, so if school wasn’t going well you had other friends to fall back on. Going back a few generations children didn’t spend much time with their parents at all.

I relate to this. The RSD is like a stab in the heart and the stomach being gripped by a big fist. It’s socially debilitating - your boss uses a certain tone or looks at you in a disapproving way and tears start coming out of your eyes.

Yes, RSD is very difficult. It feels physically painful. People with ADHD can thrive when just given more time to process, emotional regulation tools and encouragement. But life can often be very rushed and fast and the expectation is to 'just get on with it.' That doesn't work very well for people with ADHD.

But isn't that, in a way, the exact point of life? You get a set amount of time - you're not told how long, and you get to decide how to fill it. Most of us have to barter some of that time for stability/security/survival (do a job to pay for shelter and food). The rest of the time is ours to explore life. Going for a walk, watching the shifting seasons, the changing light in the sky, hearing the birds, seeing the world go by - that's a time filler, but it's a pleasurable one. We get to exercise our bodies and calm our minds a bit.

I've always thought that the point of life is that there is no point, so we get to create one.

Yes, I guess so. For me, none of the things that fill the time really seem worth the hassle. Given the option, if I was a machine, I'd just power down tomorrow and I don't feel there's any part of life I'd be missing out on. There's nothing else I want to do, nowhere I particularly want to go. If I had to write a "bucket list" there'd be nothing on it.
Filling time with meaningless activities to stave off boredom doesn't make life any more fulfilling - the daily grind is still the same, whether you go for walks, watch the birds etc... or not.
I suppose I'm not really expecting anyone to agree with me. That's part of the reason I live a reclusive existence, as I know most people don't feel the same way, so would find it odd that there is nothing I like doing, and that I have no interest in going anywhere, travelling, socialising and so on.

Sure, but I wonder how long it has been since the colleague had spoken to his sister…does he just contact her to want favours? Is she included in his life very much?

Could that be why she was surprised to be asked?

I’m not sure having a life where you don’t have responsibilities to others, you earn your keep, and you stay to yourself is selfish. Who are you hurting in this case? It sounds a lonely way to live, but not necessarily a selfish one.

Nothing wrong with having enjoyment out of these things, but do they have inherent meaning or purpose? I’m not so sure.

There is nothing wrong with being quiet and more reclusive. I’m doing that in my retirement, and it is a relief frankly from all the demands of working life.

@BeAzureAnt Thing is it sounds like you had much more than a standard 'working life'. You had a full-throttle people-facing role, pushed yourself to an award winning level, all the while doing loads and loads of volunteering on top of your paid work... I'm not surprised you felt burnt out when you hit retirement age.

If the sister has a loving family and is just refusing to help because it doesn't suit and not seen as her problem then I don't agree with that, but yes does he just contact her when he wants something, and maybe others have as well to a point where she's had enough of being used when others want favours?

I live like this as after a traumatic childhood where I had to become estranged from my relatives after leaving. I've always had to look after myself without support. Then always held down a job where I was taken advantage of because "you don't have other commitments" sometimes bullied for being quiet and refusing to join the drama and play politics.

I was an adult learner to better myself and find friends, did voluntary work, joined groups and clubs to be at best unwelcomed due to a clique or at worst, again used because it suited and dropped when I'd served my purpose.

I live in an area as it was what I could afford which is economically deprived with anti social problems. People including neighbours constantly complain whilst being part of the problem themselves. I've had abuse, noise and vandalism from a few. Going through the correct channels was no good as the authorities didn't care and the law's on the side of the perpetrator, which these people take full advantage of. I had one next door neighbour, although very nice constantly asked for favours when I returned from work. I had no quality of life or peace after working all day. After ten years I lost my temper and went to court.

Eventually I had enough and have quietly quitted. I do a full day's work for a full day's pay but no more extras or overtime. Stopped voluntary work, looking for friends, talking to neighbours or anybody else. Apart from going through the motions of work, I've dropped out because every time I picked myself up and started all over again just to get the same results. Their loss. I harm nobody but the goodwill has gone. No efforts, no returns.

My very large employer can't fill jobs quick enough, there's a high turnover, people are burnt out and sickness is through the roof. The charities I volunteered for are crying out and the local police put a look after your neighbours card through letterboxes after several elderly people had fallen and had lain there for days. We live in a very lonely society. Hmmm I wonder why?

It is sad so many withdraw and when mh, nd or other issues are involved. Others can only do so much to help, if there is help. Services have been cut, society has changed, the digital age has become a double-edged sword. But I can't blame them if the reason is staying away from the pain, drama and let downs that many of us have constantly experienced.