People who drop out of life

[Dappy777]

Over the last week or so I've had two separate conversations about people who've 'dropped out' of life – no job, no friends, no interest in anything.

Last night, for example, I went for a meal with a family friend who was telling us about his youngest brother. He is 30, lives with their mum, and has no life at all. He has no job, no relationship, no hobbies and very few friends. He spends all day in the flat eating takeaways and drinking, then sleeps most of the afternoon, wakes up around 8pm and sits up all night playing video games. He's never been abroad, and never even been to London (he lives in north Essex).

I had a similar chat on Christmas Day. A neighbour told me about his brother and how he's "given up on life" (as my neighbour put it). Doesn't work, date, socialize, pursue hobbies, nothing.

It isn't so much the not dating or not working that puzzles me. Plenty of people don't want a serious relationship, or kids, or even a job. I can even understand not socialising (I'm a bit of an introvert myself). What I find so puzzling is the lack of interest in life/being alive – you know, just going for a walk on a spring morning, or swimming in the sea, or looking at the stars. Is it depression do you think? I know of quite a few people like this – young people who play video games, smoke weed, and seem to have opted out of the world. I don't know if it's my imagination, but it seems to be more common. Is it just me?

I think that also brings us full circle back to the OP - why does it actually matter if people opt in or out of life?

@Howmanymoredays But you’re on here so you must find some enjoyment or point to it otherwise you wouldn’t do it. If you kept a day’s journal of all of the things you did in a day you’d find there are quite a few things you enjoy and find a point in doing, because again, you wouldn’t do it otherwise. They just aren’t big shouty things or things that other people usually qualify as interests or hobbies.

Does this not fall under the category of "doom scrolling"?!
Wasting away hours of the day scrolling the internet.....

Yes, I do that a lot to pass the time!
Goes quicker than staring into space I guess

As adults there are things we need to do as well as things we want to do too. Work , earn money, pay bills , buy food and clothing. We could all probably cut back on spending. I’m definitely doing that this year.
But the idea we can all just say no sorry not playing and drop out is unsustainable. Some of us just have to keep going.

That sounds tough. And I get that not everyone can function successfully alone. But I do think it is helpful long term to ensure they have a healthy and productive lifestyle.

A friend of mine took in her nephew - typical gaming, fast food eating young man with no social skills. She insisted he get a job, and he now has two hobbies and a social life. He still struggles and could never live alone, but his life is so much better since she just gave him a huge nudge.

Not if you find some enjoyment in it, which you must do or else you wouldn’t be doing it. Doomscrolling term is for people who feel you ‘should’ be doing ‘something’ more ‘productive’. Life is hard enough as it is, just do what you enjoy as long as you aren’t hurting anyone. Why do we have to put negative labels on things. I enjoy scrolling MN, playing Minecraft, and watching a very specific genre of drama. People class these as loser or pointless activities. Well they pass the time for me in an enjoyable way so who cares?

There’s a million other websites you could go on but you’ve chosen to spend time on MN, so you must enjoy something in particular about it. Therefore you have an interest which you enjoy.

Sorry if I’m arguing with you by the way. I’m also passing the time 😆

I suppose there are enough people who "want" to keep on doing things that society as a whole goes on.

That's so melodramatic. Of course supporting them to make a life for themselves and learn they are capable of contributing isn't a route to suicide. It takes time helping and supporting them to move out of a rut or to come through severe depression, but they want to do it. Being firm doesn't mean being unkind or unsupportive. You have to show you have faith in their ability to live a better life than they are currently living.

I don't and think it's kinder to avoid this difficult, time-consuming work and just let your adult children fester.

I suppose the problem for any society is if too many people drop out of it or even if too many people choose to only make time for "their little family" for example. I think with people who are borderline for this what's going on around them can really influence whether they keep trying to focus outward in a positive way or just go fuck it, I'm fighting a losing battle here.

Just as well.

I think it also depends on the definition of "dropping out of life." And whether that includes the essential parts, like earning money to buy food. Or people more like me, who are still working/earning to support themselves, but have dropped out of all the "optional" parts of life.
The first kind would be a societal issue, if no one would work. But the second kind, does it actually matter?
I have always found it bizarre the kind of things people care about - what material they wrap themselves in (clothes), what paint to smear onto their face (make up), who can kick/throw/hit a ball in which direction (sport) - and yet the whole of society seems to be built around everyone caring about this type of superficial stuff.

See, you probably don't mean it but that sort of thing comes across as sneering and superior. Who gets to decide what is superficial and what is deep?

Some people love beautiful materials and well made clothes, that doesn't make them stupid or superficial.

Today I have got satisfaction out of finally understanding a fairly complex French grammar concept AND wearing my lovely soft cashmere jumper with stars on it.

I think that was my point - nearly everyone cares about this stuff, but I just can't comprehend why. Hence not fitting in at all into modern day society.

i.e. I don't see any value in any of the things that anyone else seems to care about. So no common ground

Your problem is not that you don't understand why people value or like things you don't - there are plenty of things people like and value that I don't - sunbathing, cars, matching homeware, all inclusive holidays, musicals.

It is the way your talked about it - like people who value and like things that you don't are somehow superficial or stupid.

I think it's more that the whole of life seems superficial and stupid. Not the particular likes of people. There is no superior or inferior. Just the whole thing.

As in, if you extended your list to include every activity under the sun, to me they all seem equally pointless.

The ones that I’ve been in have been large public hospitals, minimum security wards. There are a combination of people with mild/ moderate mh problems combined with one or multiple of the following issues: no family support/ homelessness/ intellectual or learning difficulties/ disabilities/ victims of abuse, the list goes on. They are basically a place to put people they don’t know what else to do with and who cannot live independently for very long at a time. So yes, not being able to cope with life (for many of the same reasons that people who live at home barely functioning are) can get you a place in a psychiatric hospital and unfortunately many people in that position will spend much of their adult lives there or in similar institutions.
The streets and hostels are another place these people end up, and often the two overlap.
I don’t really understand what point you’re making?

I think in earlier times, there was less option for such isolation, chosen or not. Unless you had considerable inherited wealth, burying yourself in your library (probably the 19th C and earlier equivalent of the internet for some) and only having minimal contact with the servants would not be an option for the vast majority. Most people would have been out in the world and having to work very, very hard to actually, y'know, eat and this would have involved face to face interaction with others.

I'm pretty convinced that some people cutting themselves off from life/society has been a byproduct of the tech. It's made it easier to live online and while I take the view that people should do as they please as long as not hurting others, society wouldn't function if everyone chose to isolate themselves. It is not a norm and we would not have evolved if it was.

There is a difference between opting out of life by choice and opting out due to physical/mental illness. In fact I would argue that the second is not “opting out” as it isn’t done intentionally.
I am the very person that many hate on here. I agree that I give nothing to society. Apart from maybe offering an ear to my adult children and husband.

There must be something @Howmanymoredays surely.
I agree most things are pointless and don’t actually matter in the grand scheme of things, but it doesn’t stop me having a bit of enjoyment form a good book, a walk in the woods, a nice meal.
Seeing kids and grandkids.

I agree. Just because someone is reclusive and does not enjoy the usual stuff in life, does not mean they're ill in any way. I think more people than we realise feel this way. Quiet, reclusive people have always been viewed as a bit weird.

@Howmanymoredays has already told us there's something, posting on mumsnet about the 4 key existential questions makes time tick by faster than staring into space. So that's the point of doing it. And that's not nothing.
My own quibble is the "I just have a very objective view of things" belief. It is absolutely a subjective take on the world and no less valid for it.

I do go out for a walk sometimes. I don't know - to me it all just feels like ways to fill time.

I have to agree. I'm surprised more people can't see this.