People who drop out of life

[Dappy777]

Over the last week or so I've had two separate conversations about people who've 'dropped out' of life – no job, no friends, no interest in anything.

Last night, for example, I went for a meal with a family friend who was telling us about his youngest brother. He is 30, lives with their mum, and has no life at all. He has no job, no relationship, no hobbies and very few friends. He spends all day in the flat eating takeaways and drinking, then sleeps most of the afternoon, wakes up around 8pm and sits up all night playing video games. He's never been abroad, and never even been to London (he lives in north Essex).

I had a similar chat on Christmas Day. A neighbour told me about his brother and how he's "given up on life" (as my neighbour put it). Doesn't work, date, socialize, pursue hobbies, nothing.

It isn't so much the not dating or not working that puzzles me. Plenty of people don't want a serious relationship, or kids, or even a job. I can even understand not socialising (I'm a bit of an introvert myself). What I find so puzzling is the lack of interest in life/being alive – you know, just going for a walk on a spring morning, or swimming in the sea, or looking at the stars. Is it depression do you think? I know of quite a few people like this – young people who play video games, smoke weed, and seem to have opted out of the world. I don't know if it's my imagination, but it seems to be more common. Is it just me?

PIP for depression/autism/anxiety/OCD/alcoholism

These are not at all uncommon situations. My son was like this for over a decade. He is ND and after Uni just couldn’t get his life together. He started off working on a project at home. Never got a job. Lost friends he’d had at school and just retreated from life. He had severe depression and anxiety and was suicidal. There was nothing I could do. He went to the GP, had a short course of CBT, was put on ADs which made everything much worse. It was truly a terrible time. At one point we had to call the Crisis Team as he went missing.

Somehow he gradually clawed his way out of it to the extent that he now has a job and lives independently but he’s become a virtual stranger. He’s developed an eating disorder and is obsessed with the gym and calories. So in some ways I am just as worried about him.

There are no easy answers. It’s not a case of tough love, throwing them out or delivering an ultimatum. GPs have no idea how to approach this sort of problem and were utterly useless. Society is a cruel and difficult place for people who are ‘different’. For young men who don’t drink or fit into macho culture life is a bewildering process sometimes. It often seems to be men who struggle to cope. I know of quite a few similar cases.

Most of these people will have a reason. Judging them is very narrow minded.

Maybe a tiny minority are just lazy

Social prescribing is also not particularly helpful for people whose life has become insular due to not liking/being able to be around other people. Being told to 'join a group' would be my idea of a nightmare.
From experience, most "help" involves being told what you "should" enjoy e.g. "humans like spending time with other people, so do x, y, z because you'll enjoy it and it will make you feel better" and there is no understanding that some people are different and actively hate all the things that everyone else supposedly enjoys.

But the fact that you actively loathe other people is perfectly readable as a symptom of poor MH. Hence the prescription.

It’s indicative of a lived reality, not poor mental health.

@Howmanymoredays are you actually in need of help?

Not a loathing of other people, just being in close proximity to them, having to make small talk etc...

Well judging by this thread, other people would probably think so, due to my reclusiveness. But I think it is just the way I am - I have never found any enjoyment in the parts of life that other people seem to like. Being told that you "should" like things just makes you feel defective when you don't.

But what do you think? Is there something you would like to change? You say you have a well-paid WFH job so your reclusion is not preventing you from subsisting by yourself. So is there actually something you want to change?

My brother is a bit like that @MousyCat - he had a really bad experience after leaving university, and had nowhere to go. He was homeless for a while which restricted work. He sort of works a bit now through agencies but lives a hand to mouth existence and has no friends or social life and no hint of one. The awful thing is I can see how easily it can happen and it could easily have been me.

I am aware that I don't have much quality of life. But I can't actually imagine a way of making it "better" because I actively dislike doing all of the things that other people do for enjoyment. I can't actually think of anything I would "like" doing, so I opt to do nothing at all, as the lesser evil. Is that better, I don't know? To be honest, no one chooses to be born, and I would really prefer not to have to continue existing. But ending ones life is frowned upon, so I continue for now, just ticking off each day. I have never understood the point of doing anything else - we're all essentially sitting around waiting to die, so I just try and pass the time while avoiding as many of the unpleasant parts of life as I can.

If you can’t think of anything you like found , and are counting down the days until you die. Then that sounds like depression to me.

For over 40 years?
I don't think so - I expect I have some sort of ND though - my brain just doesn't seem to be wired like other people's.
I have tried lots of things in the past, but have never understood why any of them are supposed to be enjoyable. I think I have quite black-and-white thinking, and I look at most activities and they seem so utterly pointless! Like, will it make a difference in 100 years time if I did this or not - if not, then there is no point to doing it.

I don’t think that the post was bile and that bad . I think in some depressed people who have become very insular it may help to focus on other people and how they can add a little bit to society in what ever way they can . Another way of looking at things. I can’t hold a job down any more and in the jobs I did have anxiety and depression made the job even harder but I do try to be of use and make other peoples lives better in some way. For example frequently visiting my Mum with dementia in a care home. Walking the dog and doing most of the housework. Peoples reasons for the way they are can be very different.
My dad was probably ND but he didn’t have a breakdown till I was born and then he became a hermit for 30+ years he used to study the form of race horsing and betting .oh and making home brew but he certainly didn’t function like a normal person and for that reason my childhood was also dysfunctional and I had a lot of issues. This is how the cycle can be repeated when it is bad parenting and throw ND genetics in the mix. Just my thoughts.

I wonder if they won some more years ago and are living off that ? It seems odd that neither of them have regularly worked as they are in good health?

I think this happens when people have no direction when they are young and then don’t know how to get out of it. The years pass by. I doubt they are happy as such, just stuck.

Maybe the son didn't walk out but was sacked and this has really knocked his confidence. Maybe he finds it hard to relate to other people and struggles to fit in .

@Howmanymoredays who in your non-internet life is frowning upon you? Your points are valid. We are all alive for a limited time and you going for a walk or reading a book or learning something new is not going to mean something to you in 100 years’ time because you’ll be dead. We are all just ticking by and we are all personally responsible for how we go about that and how we make the best of it we can.

A lot of ND people have lifelong depression and anxiety. I’m one of those. I’m now on SSRI + beta blockers 3x a day to manage it. It gives me some quality of life back but doesn’t eliminate the depression or anxiety. I am better on them than off though. Not sure if you’ve tried any meds as I haven’t RTFT.

Posters are saying that it’s mainly men but that’s not really true. It’s just that the women who are living like this are either living at home but are contributing to the household so therefore not seen as a burden, or married and again, contributing to the household so not seen as a burden.

I also think that human interaction isn't a single thing. There's good company with people you are close to, bad company with people who treat you badly, small talk kind of company with people you don't know well and everything in between.

People are wired very differently and for some people some company might be better than no company whereas other people prefer to save their social energy for the right company.

I wasn't socially isolated because I lived alone on a desert island but because I couldn't find the right company at that time.

I was given SSRI's as a teenager; they made me feel spaced out, but didn't make any difference to the fundamental concept of life being entirely pointless. As mentioned, I don't think I'm depressed, just have a very objective view of things and don't understand the purpose of most activities that people undertake day in day out, for no particular reason. I have never "fitted in" or felt that I really belonged anywhere. No amount of medication will help with that.
Being drugged doesn't change who you fundamentally are as a person, or any of the mundane tasks that we are expected to do on repeat for thousands of days, that make life a pointless drag.

I’m sorry if I offended you @Howmanymoredays that wasn’t my intention.
That’s all any of us are doing. Chatting on here wont matter in 100 years, reading, football, cycling , knitting none of that actually matters.
But I find it keeps my brain ticking over. I live alone now kids are grown and gone. I still see them regularly they all have children and families of their own. They are what keeps me going.
But I’m determined not to turn my face to the wall just got to keep buggering on.

I also found history and astronomy beneficial. Shows how insignificant we all are indeed how pointless. But I find that quite freeing.

No, wasn't offended. That's all I do too, just find ways to pass the time until I don't have to any more!