People who drop out of life

[Dappy777]

Over the last week or so I've had two separate conversations about people who've 'dropped out' of life – no job, no friends, no interest in anything.

Last night, for example, I went for a meal with a family friend who was telling us about his youngest brother. He is 30, lives with their mum, and has no life at all. He has no job, no relationship, no hobbies and very few friends. He spends all day in the flat eating takeaways and drinking, then sleeps most of the afternoon, wakes up around 8pm and sits up all night playing video games. He's never been abroad, and never even been to London (he lives in north Essex).

I had a similar chat on Christmas Day. A neighbour told me about his brother and how he's "given up on life" (as my neighbour put it). Doesn't work, date, socialize, pursue hobbies, nothing.

It isn't so much the not dating or not working that puzzles me. Plenty of people don't want a serious relationship, or kids, or even a job. I can even understand not socialising (I'm a bit of an introvert myself). What I find so puzzling is the lack of interest in life/being alive – you know, just going for a walk on a spring morning, or swimming in the sea, or looking at the stars. Is it depression do you think? I know of quite a few people like this – young people who play video games, smoke weed, and seem to have opted out of the world. I don't know if it's my imagination, but it seems to be more common. Is it just me?

@SereneCapybara

I think it starts (it did with my brother) after they try and it all falls apart spectacularly. Defaulting on rent, council tax, bills, etc. added to not paying credit bills run up which means a shocking credit score. It's literally rock bottom. So the parent allows them to move back in but the adult child then reverts to teenage behaviour in the old family home. The AC feels 'comfortable' in that role and the outside world scary (like rejection). This goes on until years/decades pass.

Lower 'expectations' would help from the AC but, in our case, I think my brother feels compared to me and I have led a 'typical' life. He feels his failure against what society expects, what his parents hoped and what his sibling achieved. He gives up in the face of that and retreats to the online world of dopamine addiction with 'friends' who he has never met.

The less you do, the less you will do.

The greatest pleasures for me are the birds singing, the sky and watching nature grow and some could well say that I've opted out of 'life'.

Appearances can be deceiving, I've been laying low, getting by and caring/preparing autistic ds for the world he lives in (and without me one day). Off to uni in sept, currently doing an apprenticeship but games like a motherfucker.

I ain't dead yet either, with other stuff still to do.

It is so easy to say this until you are in this position. My DS dropped out of university quickly and became very depressed. I have tried really hard. Helped him get a part time job and start driving lessons, he just couldn’t cope. He has now been diagnosed with autism and does engage with a counsellor.

The GP hasn’t been able to help. He has now been on 5 different anti depressants, last one was prescribed by a private psychiatrist but didn’t work . Latest suggestion was to try tDCS which he started a couple of weeks ago.

I have seen a difference and was hoping he felt it . He said yesterday he thinks it is helping, I just really hope it continues. He has started eating again and has been doing some cooking and has started laughing again.

I have a psychology degree, a friend who was high up in mental health before she retired, other medical friends and I am resourceful but this has been the hardest thing I have done in my life, I have never felt so completely helpless. I was starting to feel that he would never be able to function normally and very scared about his future. Under no illusions that we are far from out of the woods but this is the first time in well over 2 years that I have had a bit of hope.

Something somewhere went wrong (I can't help but judge their parents) and it is not being adressed (first poster asks the correct questions).
And then I think we underestimate the power of weed: it seriously makes people numb and slow.

I do wonder if we're at the point where there needs to be some proper, ideally evidence based, guidance for people in situations like this and their families. It's understandable that parents don't always know how best to help as it can be very complex.

That's easy to say but you do actually reach the end of the ability to intervene and you have no actual power to make an adult do anything. You can't force them to go to the GP, you can't force services to take them on, you can't force those services who do take them on to keep working with them indefinitely. If they do engage somewhere, you have no right to any information on what is going on if your child doesn't freely give it to you or ask to involve you in their care (and you can't insist on being part of it). Help is thin on the ground in many cases.

The only thing you can do is kick your child out. How many parents are going to do that when their child is clearly in a place where they are at high risk if they do that?

I hope you can always feel cocky that your parenting is going to be the answer to raising kids that don't have issues because it's not that simple. A lot of it is in the genes (and maybe you have genes that are favourable). You are also not the only influence on your child's life that is shaping them. I've known lots of kids with interested and good parents go on to have issues. I hope it works out for you.

There are parents on this thread who are going to get a rude awakening one day when they realise their child has mental health struggles in spite of their brilliant parenting.

You do know that professionals also have children who have struggles? There isn't a perfect answer.

A lot of it is in the genes (and maybe you have genes that are favourable)

@PreferMyAnimals I’ve fairly sure that my children’s anxiety is inherited from me as we have a lot of mental illness on my Dad’s side. I feel guilty about passing it onto them, tbh. 🙁

As parents it is possible to support them by getting help when it rears its head, and I think that setting certain expectations early on can also be helpful. My parents made it clear to me that living at home not doing much just wasn’t an option - my Grandparents allowed my Dad to do this for several years and it didn’t help his MH at all.

I hope that my two (19 and 16) know that they can always ask for help and we’ll help them get it, as they have up to now. But they know that living at home sleeping all day and gaming all night isn’t going to happen.

No but surely there needs to be some research into this and potentially some evidence based best practice.

So let's say one of your children finds themselves struggling to the point they can't function. Maybe gaming offers some escape but they find it hard to leave their room. You've exhausted all public social services. You can pay for private, but it costs a fortune for something that isn't proving beneficial. You've set expectations your child doesn't seem to be capable of meeting. Are you going to put them on the streets? I bet you wouldn't.

I've been on both sides professionally (so I've seen plenty of examples of good parents whose children are struggling) and one of mine is currently experiencing depression after his best friend took his own life. Genetic tendency from the father there. He's had to stop working for a bit. He isn't sleeping all day and gaming at all, but I wouldn't put him out if he was.

I do feel sorry for them , but I know that my own parents wouldn't have understood or funded any kind of lifestyle like this and I ( probably) would have ended up homeless.
I think that some people can't cope with being adults ( or have other problems of some kind) and it's easier to just opt out.
It enormously complex.

There's plenty of research into it. I am personally hopeful the field of epigenetics will find some solid answers that will continue to provide advances in being able to help people.

My parents wouldn't have either - which is why I'm being more sympathetic to my own children.

My brother was like this in his 20s, living with our mum, no job, just gaming etc.He was depressed and is probably autistic. In his 30s he got an entry level job in the NHS on a scheme to help people with MH probs get back into work. He was worked there for about 15 years now and rents a flat.

It was just a vicious cycle for him, he lacked confidence to work which made him more depressed which reduced the motivation to sort himself out.

I hope that this research will lead to something actually useful. It's depressing, I've read some more recent articles about modern loneliness and it's obvious nothing has changed. They just tend to end with the usual, yes it's difficult, maybe people should try joining a group crap that doesn't help if there's not a lot available to you.

Even having experienced it myself I still feel ill equipped if one of my DC ends up in my position.

Hopefully they won't but if one of your children does struggle, I know you'll do your best for them.

My opinion is that the whole structure of society is harsh and not very friendly to those who are a little different. I think we need a lot of change in society to help make it a place everyone can fit into.

Definitely. At times, I'm pretty sure I'm still not coping with being an adult that well. My DH and parents carry me a lot emotionally and financially, and even when I look ok working part time and looking after my DC, I'm still really disorganised, scatty and have no really good financial control. It's kind of pathetic in some ways, at aged 43, as I think most people would expect me to be a lot more on top of things.

I guess it's a huge combination of different and completely complex reasons (I was adopted and my birth parents were drug addicts), plus I'm pretty sure i have undiagnosed ADHD and autistic tendencies.

Sounds like a good way to lose your adult child either through suicide or estrangement. The recluses seem to be hated more than murderers on here.

It's not down to parenting, some kids are independent from 16 and want to go out into the world and others just aren't interested because of personality type and/or MH. You can't force them to be interested in the world.

So sorry LakieLady for your loss . That must be very hard for you and her colleagues, family and friends . Take care

@Duckingella
I've known this couple since our teens and I don't think that they are neurodivergent tbh. The lady was a menopause baby and spoiled rotten by older sisters and mother and she has always run up lots of debt buying clothes. Her sisters used to bail her out but no longer do so. She is bright however refused to get up for school from 14 ish and cannot keep a job because 'I don't see why I should'.
Her family were very pleased that she married someone who will look after her.
It's a very strange set up but it works for them.

@PreferMyAnimals In that situation, I think that setting goals and working out how to achieve them might be helpful. We did this with DD (19) after she came home v. anxious and stressed after a rough term, wondering whether she could even continue her degree.

Having a plan and long term goals seems to reduce anxiety in all of us as a family and helps us not to get stuck in vicious cycles.

There’s a lot of posts on here about this being an issue with young people - but it’s happened to my mum too (NRTFT so apols if this point has been copiously made). She has no friends, she’s shut down her business - she just goes out and walks for hours, repeating a circular 4-mile loop every day because she doesn’t want to sit in the house. She repeats the same week, over and over again, down to what she eats on different days. Says that people her age (67): don’t use technology, don’t have friends because you get to a point where you can’t be bothered to put up with people’s shit any more, don’t travel far from home and it’s normal for people her age to be lonely. It’s horribly sad but she refuses to get a part-time job or volunteer, she has no hobbies, she’s stopped looking after the garden. She just walks round and round her neighbourhood, watching everyone else’s lives, and swinging from saying that everything is absolutely fine to admitting that she’s lonely. But she doesn’t want to do anything to potentially change that.

I think depression and anxiety are a big part of it but she has to be the person to take that first step. I can’t fix it for her, nor can I fill that void. I’m just there for her to talk to if she needs it. I miss her, though - it’s like she’s already gone.

Best wishes for a better 2025.

My parents didn't understand me and wanted me out of the house asap. I was an adult as far as they were concerned and should be able to stand on my own 2 feet. As a result I was completely lost, couldn't find a job and ended up married to a narcissist and becoming financially dependent on him. I think I'm probably ND in one way or another as it's in my family.

I have worked really hard at raising ds and done absolutely everything to make sure he doesn't end up with the issues I did, thankfully he's doing really well at the moment but he has ASD and it's been as much luck as good judgment. I will do anything and everything to support him tbh.