People who drop out of life

[Dappy777]

Over the last week or so I've had two separate conversations about people who've 'dropped out' of life – no job, no friends, no interest in anything.

Last night, for example, I went for a meal with a family friend who was telling us about his youngest brother. He is 30, lives with their mum, and has no life at all. He has no job, no relationship, no hobbies and very few friends. He spends all day in the flat eating takeaways and drinking, then sleeps most of the afternoon, wakes up around 8pm and sits up all night playing video games. He's never been abroad, and never even been to London (he lives in north Essex).

I had a similar chat on Christmas Day. A neighbour told me about his brother and how he's "given up on life" (as my neighbour put it). Doesn't work, date, socialize, pursue hobbies, nothing.

It isn't so much the not dating or not working that puzzles me. Plenty of people don't want a serious relationship, or kids, or even a job. I can even understand not socialising (I'm a bit of an introvert myself). What I find so puzzling is the lack of interest in life/being alive – you know, just going for a walk on a spring morning, or swimming in the sea, or looking at the stars. Is it depression do you think? I know of quite a few people like this – young people who play video games, smoke weed, and seem to have opted out of the world. I don't know if it's my imagination, but it seems to be more common. Is it just me?

I think the modern world is very fast paced and just not suitable for everybody. People were allowed to be different and to live on their own terms in the past. However they had to provide for their families, idle lifestyle would not be subsided.

Another huge difference is that people were part of a community and that would be the drive to keep at things. Individuality and selfish wants and needs would be down in the priority list. Family would have expectations and put pressure on the young to start their own family and keep the lineage going.

And the brand new digital world is just a complete mind f*ck. It gives people the illusion of not being lonely, or having something to do, while at the same time causing anxieties and depression.

I think there needs to be drive to help all these NEET's (not in education, employment or training) and are suffering with MH difficulties. If these people don't get help when they are young, the chances of them leading a productive fulfilling life get smaller and smaller. I'd prefer to see the billions going into net zero policies going into solving the present MH crisis - 870,000 young people are now classified as NEETs. We need to get those people help and get them into work. The pool of taxpayers contributing to the system is ever diminishing. To write off a whole section of society who need help with their MH while they are young is shameful.

I know several women around the age 50 mark and none defer to their husbands. I see that happen but usually in women well into pension age.

@BeAzureAnt "I’m happy being with DH, having a few friends, taking a walk or two, and just being on my own when he is at work".

But this sounds lovely, and not like someone who has dropped out of life. Happy marriage, a few friends, spending your new retirement time pottering by yourself and going for walks... I'm in my 40s work from home with just the dog for company and to be honest our lives don't sound much different. I'm not ND but I am an introvert, DH the same. I do remind myself to take care of my few close friendships, making sure we physically meet up every few months, exchanging messages in between. I do worry about people dropping out of all social contact, isolation and lack of human interaction is a factor for dementia.

No one knows why, after taking Metformin successfully for some years because of Type 2 diabetes, he decided to stop taking it — but that's what he did. He refused (and still refuses) to talk about it to family or his doctors. His only communication with family is to ask for money when his benefits etc aren't enough to cover his expenses.

If you think addiction to gaming and porn and conspiracy theory sites is an illness and he bears no personal responsibility to try and contribute to society, then I'm afraid I can't agree with you.

I probably meet most of this definition, except I do have a (WFH) job, which is well paid, so I fund myself. I have no friends/interests/hobbies though, and rarely leave the house, so people would probably say that I have "dropped out of life."
There doesn't always have to be an external enabler.

Yes I know of quite a few like this and all men. Not saying it's always men at all, just from personal experience. I feel sad for them but know they have their reasons

@bendmeoverbackwards

Hi.

We are trying to get her a place a specialist ASD school for secondary next August. I think mainstream school would be the biggest trigger for dropping out.

Diagnosis. I'm not willing to let a possibility not be 'tested'. She needs to know herself and the implications of any diagnosis. She scheduled for assessment in 2025 by SaLT, OT and Ed Psych.

We have started exploring Uni options (near to home) that might be suitable for her. That leaves us 6 years to visit the campus and the city (Dundee) to get used to the idea. It is also informing subject choice for secondary. It is insanely early but she needs a long time to adjust. If she does go, I suspect she will travel daily.

Big screen time restrictions. The family PC is a big old style one that isn't mobile. It's in the family room so very visible. No screens in bedrooms as a hard line. No screens before 4pm or after dinner. Early focus on coding not playing games. Understanding how these games are constructed rather than consuming them. Yoto in bedroom for screen free audio.

Keeping her in after-school activities which can change but she MUST be doing something. Sitting in the house all evening is not an option. Most of these are now ASD support groups but she still attends mainstream Scouts.

Melatonin for sleep so she actually sleeps at night-time not the day. Recognising that teen circadian rhythms do shift but only by an hour not turning day into night. Family dog so getting out for a walk is non-negotiable. Tbh, our dog has been the BEST thing we ever did.

Scouts have been great in terms of 'trying the new'. She has a special interest of badges so wants them all and will, therefore, go to new places and try new activities. This year it was Caving and Windsurfing. I'm trying to develop a sense of belonging to a group that can last a lifetime. Once you make your promise, you are always a Scout for your lifetime. Volunteering is a great way to improve mental health if needed later.

Skills for earning money. We live rurally. DH grew up on a farm and works in agriculture now. DD1 goes to 'work' during Harvest with him. She is hoping to get her tractor license as a teenager. It's a great way to earn money during the school summer holidays and weekends which gives a boost to self-esteem. DH has introduced her to 2 farms so far. She's doing Rookie Lifeguard (again a Scout badge) next year so she can easily get her Pool Lifeguard qualification at 16 as another early earning option.

The trick will be sustaining this. She is 12 and half so puberty is well underway but I do realise the next 6 years are the most crucial point of her entire life. If we can guide her through these years successfully, she stands a chance an independent life.

I've not dropped out of life as such, but i easily could have a decade ago after I had my head injury and post concussion syndrome before being injured permanently by an off label antipsychotic that gave me a neurological involuntary movement disorder called tardive dyskinesia. Life was incredibly hard for about 4 years and still is, and i literally went from having total control over my body and life, to having almost none. 😳😢

My brain waa injured obviously by the head injury, and the post concussion syndrome gave me a terrible mental breakdown, which is the reason I was given an antipsychotic to help with severe anxiety and insomnia. God knows what I'd have done without my DH and family, they probably stopped me from ending things a long time ago.

Since having my 2 youngest DC and finding them as an incentive and focus to be, I've got more will to live. I can quite easily see how chronic illness and health conditions can lead to depression and anxiety, especially when there is no end in sight or gain to get from the constant drudgery of pushing through the illness.

I'm so grateful for my children and family. I'd probably be nothing without them.

I am one of these who is being funded by the taxpayer. I want to work but my ASD makes it so difficult.

What needs to happen IMO is that there needs to be a government scheme that helps us get into ASD friendly jobs, as there are jobs out there I am capable of doing (part-time jobs from home that require very little human interaction), but I am unsuccessful in getting those those jobs because ASD makes it difficult to be good at interview and my executive dysfunction makes it difficult for me to apply to jobs.

Hopefully something like this will exist one day.

It is lovely. But most of my life I couldn’t do this because of the economic imperative. My job wasn’t work from home, but full throttle people facing most of the time. I felt anxious a lot and didn’t know why, but I do now. I was masking all the time to get by and that took a lot of energy. I guess I understand more now how if one has income from parents or benefits and is more ND than me, how easy it would be to get rather isolated.

Yes, it isn’t good to be completely without contact whatsoever. You and I both agree.

You sound like a fantastic parent.

It's very difficult to get help for an adult who struggles to engage with that help, and even when they do engage, it doesn't often actually help, or change anything

You're going to push this kid into autistic burnout. I know because I was that kid and here I am, burnt out.

Read some Bukowski and stop making sly digs at others users names.

I had a brief period like this as a teenager so I can't say i dropped out of life more took a short hiatus. I was agoraphobic due to panic attacks. Antidepressants changed my life.

I'd add, decades later I've been diagnosed with ADHD so there may be some neurodivergence in some of these cases

Even applying for a job. You used to take a deep breath and walk in to a place with your CV and cross your fingers for a phone call. I can’t even begin to navigate online applications, my brain shuts down.

Only one I know - though like other have seen this is documentaries about Japan - had a sort of mental break down after getting kicked of PhD - some of that was due to a very toxic relationship he was in as well the girl had personalities orders of some sort.

He still lives at home with his parents. His wider family and friends have really tried over the years with him.

He's in a male craft/niche community - so does know some people and will travel - so perhaps not as extreme but they buy each other products and fool themselves they make a profit - they sell then buy what others have bought. Even top people in field can't make a full time living.

DH thinks it's very pernicious deluded community egging each other on but without that this guy wouldn't leave the house at all. Many times they drop out sometimes it's because they realise and go back to normal jobs/life mostly is then dropping even further away.

i don't know what will happen when the parents die - they have many other adult kids and GC so doubt they'll leave the house to just him or that his siblings will allow him to stay as they do see him as having leached off their parents good will though they've tried for decades on and off.

I thought it was just me! I'm ok if I just need to upload a CV, but as soon as I have to fill out an application or write a cover letter my brain shuts down.

It is interesting to think how these people really function without the support of say well-off parents or a partner.

My late DB was practically a drop out, didn't go to university or have any job/career in spite of having A'levels. He was definitely living a very "bohemian" life as my dad described it, but it was fuelled by drugs and inertia, and depression and a lack of initiative for anything. If it hadn't been for benefits or the financial support of my parents, he would probably have been on the streets.

As my dad used to say, there are many people on the fringes of society. That's not to be detrimental I guess, just to say that they are living a somewhat unconventional life. But it isn't necessarily bad, just one that isn't conventional.

I do wonder what my brother might have done when my parents weren't here. I guess that burden would have fallen on me.

I agree this is a big problem. Most jobs are online applications now. They won’t usually take CVs. No personal contact offered when that’s what lots of us need.

Best not to be too hard on ourselves or others. We’ve all survived a pandemic and there’s huge economic, digital and social change. Everyone’s readjusting, some for better, some for worse.

IMHO empathy, lack of judgement and support are the best way forward. For ourselves and others.

It is actually very common for women with ASD to not being able to cope with anything after years of successfully working and not looking like they have ASD. That is because ASD women mask way more than men in order to fit in, but that masking is not sustainable, eventually it's too much, the bubble bursts and you stop being able to do anything because years of masking have literally used up all of your energy.

The problem today seems to be a confusion between empathy, enabling, excusing. True empathy does involve a degree of recognising the other person as a full human being, responsible for their personal actions.

@Pluvia "If you think addiction to gaming and porn and conspiracy theory sites is an illness and he bears no personal responsibility to try and contribute to society, then I'm afraid I can't agree with you"
I didn't say any of that. It's probably somewhere in the middle, isn't it? I don't think people suddenly think "hey up, I could be living like a lord if I knackered my kidney! I should start eating a bag of sugar a day until I get beetus, then not take the meds until my organs fail! #Lifehacks #winning". That's patently ridiculous.

I have to complement your skills; this interaction started with you pointing out that I didn't have any figures to back up my claim, and it's now worked round to discussing the minutiae of two anecdotes provided by you.