People who drop out of life

[Dappy777]

Over the last week or so I've had two separate conversations about people who've 'dropped out' of life – no job, no friends, no interest in anything.

Last night, for example, I went for a meal with a family friend who was telling us about his youngest brother. He is 30, lives with their mum, and has no life at all. He has no job, no relationship, no hobbies and very few friends. He spends all day in the flat eating takeaways and drinking, then sleeps most of the afternoon, wakes up around 8pm and sits up all night playing video games. He's never been abroad, and never even been to London (he lives in north Essex).

I had a similar chat on Christmas Day. A neighbour told me about his brother and how he's "given up on life" (as my neighbour put it). Doesn't work, date, socialize, pursue hobbies, nothing.

It isn't so much the not dating or not working that puzzles me. Plenty of people don't want a serious relationship, or kids, or even a job. I can even understand not socialising (I'm a bit of an introvert myself). What I find so puzzling is the lack of interest in life/being alive – you know, just going for a walk on a spring morning, or swimming in the sea, or looking at the stars. Is it depression do you think? I know of quite a few people like this – young people who play video games, smoke weed, and seem to have opted out of the world. I don't know if it's my imagination, but it seems to be more common. Is it just me?

I feel this stems from it being too easy not to leave your house these days and get everything you need without having to do so, everything comes to you...food, friends via social media, work, shopping etc and then to the seedier side of life that can be bought at the press of a button without having to develop any social skills or leave the house. Very worrying and only going to increase in my opinion

@worriedhidinginplainsight
I am so sorry you and lots of people feel this way … please don’t think you offer nothing to society… just by reading your words you have given me another sense of realisation of just how bad others sometimes feel… i think you and others on here will hit a nerve with some people but it’s hard to get the ones who need to read this thread to actually stumble across it ❤️

Serious question: how do you survive? I mean, how do you pay your council tax, rent/ mortgage, water bill, fuel bill? How do you pay for food and necessities?

I ask because I have a relative who I think it likely to end up in your position. He's on PIP and benefits but it's still barely enough to survive on and I and other relatives are constantly under pressure to pay heating bills etc.

I may have missed some posts, if so I apologise. I’m aware that poor mental health and/or ND traits can have a huge impact on people’s ability to function outside an often very limited space. I just wondered if, possibly for some, finding some voluntary work might help? DH had a real crisis of confidence and was severely depressed after a serious health condition meant he could no longer continue to work in his self employed role.

He helped out in an animal charity, which gave a bit of routine and purpose to his life. It was a godsend at the time. Since retiring, I also volunteer, in a charity shop. We have had, and still have, some younger volunteers who are ND or have learning difficulties. Some don’t stay, but some have really blossomed, from finding any communication difficult, to having conversations with colleagues and customers. I know they feel valued. One young man recently got some part time, paid work, for the first time in his life. He continues to volunteer.

My brother is one of these people. He's nearly 60, hasn't worked for decades, and spends all day smoking weed and watching crap on tv. He has one friend, but a couple of years ago, they moved to a town miles away. To get there would involve 2 buses on an infrequent rural route and the journey takes over 2 hours each way, so he never goes to see them. He's nearly 200 miles, most of it non-motorway, from where I live, so too far to go for the day and there's no way I'd stay at his filthy hovel.

However, he's had bipolar disorder for almost 40 years (it predates his cannabis use, so not drug related). The only medication that works for him is a 4-weekly depot injection, which reduces him to a near-zombie for a couple of weeks and then he has a week of being relatively normal before he starts to get a bit manic. I can tell what point in the medication cycle he's at just by how he sounds when I ring him.

He's one of the people the government wants to get back to work, but I'm blowed if I can think of anything he could conceivably do for a living. If they stopped his benefits, he'd probably just stay indoors and starve to death.

This is an interesting thread to me because I work in adult safeguarding for the local authority and in the last few years there has been a significant increase in referrals related to self neglect.

We are seeing a large number of mainly men, but women as well, often in their 60s, (so not necessarily elderly and immobile) who are just not looking after themselves or their environment. To the point of living in filth.

I don't know what the causes are, but I worry about the large number of young people who appear to be heading down this road.

Wow. The compassion is overwhelming.

I used to work, I had a good job. Then my MH issues increased. I’ve been sectioned multiple times. I’ve had many episodes of psychosis. My world got smaller and smaller.

I cannot leave the house. I have a panic attack taking items out to the bin.

I do maintain the house. It is clean and tidy. I cook meals. I like to think I am of some use to my family.

I take medication. Olanzapine, sertraline, lamotrigine. Diazepam on occasion.

I am awaiting more therapy. The wait is two years. I see my care coordinator every couple of weeks, my psychiatrist every few months so I’m not checked out when it comes to accessing support from those who can help me.

I was diagnosed autistic a few months ago.

Gosh that's sad, do you have any insight as to why this is increasing?

I’ve worked with families where this is happening & it’s nearly always young men. Very often the families are enabling it. They fund their lifestyle, buy the takeaways, clothes, games consoles. It’s often very complex & requires family therapy to unpick what’s going on.

The parent will make statements like his ADHD means he has no motivation, can’t work, when it’s just not the case & things can be turned around. It needs tough love though.

I see a psychiatrist. I have a care coordinator. I’ve seen a psychologist.

I take medication.

I haven’t “done this to myself”. A series of life events caused depression initially. I’ve always been anxious, that increased.
Then I developed psychosis. I hope the episodes are over because I don’t want to be sectioned again.

As others have said I think there is a difference between people who, for whatever reason, have chosen to live small simple lives and are happy with that and what my grandma called "big sons" - that is adult children who fail to launch and are often a financial and emotional burden on ageing parents.

I grew up rurally and there were a lot of the former. Often older men who had not married who were content with a life of low demand semi skilled agricultural work and a night or two a week in the pub. I suspect many were ND and were usually happily embraced by the community and given work - I remember an old boy who had done casual work for my dad and then did a paper round in his latter years. We found out once he could not read or write but went to great lengths to disguise it. He was though an amazing source of knowledge about wildlife and many country skills.

It is harder and harder for people like that to live happy and supported lives in our modern society and that is sad as generally they have and do have a lot to give.

I think what puts people's backs up is a rather newer generally online phenomenon of people dropping out, living anti socially but expecting society to deliver services while vociferously declaiming how much they hate people. Humans are social creatures and thrive on co-operation, so excessive performative contempt for other humans or complete withdrawal from society awakens somthing primal in our lizard brains.

It definitely looks like a lot of the people discussed here have mental health issues/ND. I can't believe there are 11 pages either.

What a horrible response. @PreferMyAnimals says she had suffered a series of traumas that have left her feeling safer alone and you come alone and write this. Where your empathy? People like you are why many shy and introverted or traumatised people avoid society. The judgement and cruelty.

This is the most interesting thread I've read in 20 years on mumsnet. So much of whats written resonates with me and the rest teaches me and opens my eyes to things i hadn't realised/considered before.
Thank you for the thread op.

I have a husband who works full time. We get a tiny bit of UC (about £150 a month) and I get PIP.

Agree with this. I’m middle aged and there have always been people (though usually men) who were quite happy to live a very simple life. Work, pub, home on a cycle. But now they struggle to get work as no one will employ them. Pubs culture is dying. And housing is a nightmare without a well-paid job.

@Scutterbug sounds like your doing your very best, I admire and respect you and empathise so much. So much nastiness on this thread, reminds my why I “dropped out of society int the first place”.

a) You can never really know what's going on in someone else's internal world.
b) Obviously it's a mental health issue. If this isn't obvious to you, you really, really don't understand how lucky you are.

I’m only part way through this thread but finding it a bit frustrating that people are talking at cross-purposes. There’s a difference between living a quiet life, with simple interests and within your means, and having a life of zero interests, taking no responsibility for your wellbeing and living completely reliant on others when you are capable of more.

Exactly!

I agree !

I think dropping out is misleading it gives the impression of hippies from the 1960s.
to me i think it comes into 3 categories. firstly are the people for whom isolation is self inflicted such as mums of young babies maybe in a new area or with depression post natal i mean and people looking after disabled children or adults.
secondly are the people who have MH problems. these days the help available is far and few between sadly. It is sometimes easier to just stop in doing something that in a way brings comfort or helps past the time such as gaming.
thirdly are those people who just don't seem to fit in with society they live on the outside.
I think the problem is not these people but how people view these people such as how they pass their time. obviously if someone is keeping them then they are enabling them to have their lifestyle and so they need to withdraw

I think it can be a slow form of suicide for some. The world is a scary place.

Most people are basically good.
There are obviously arseholes, but just don't deal with those.
I wonder if you may have been drawn to bullying or crappy partners time after time?

Some people go from one scrote to another with depressing regularity, but generally people are helpful and kind.

Oh: so you're not alone. Your husband looks after you.