People who drop out of life

[Dappy777]

Over the last week or so I've had two separate conversations about people who've 'dropped out' of life – no job, no friends, no interest in anything.

Last night, for example, I went for a meal with a family friend who was telling us about his youngest brother. He is 30, lives with their mum, and has no life at all. He has no job, no relationship, no hobbies and very few friends. He spends all day in the flat eating takeaways and drinking, then sleeps most of the afternoon, wakes up around 8pm and sits up all night playing video games. He's never been abroad, and never even been to London (he lives in north Essex).

I had a similar chat on Christmas Day. A neighbour told me about his brother and how he's "given up on life" (as my neighbour put it). Doesn't work, date, socialize, pursue hobbies, nothing.

It isn't so much the not dating or not working that puzzles me. Plenty of people don't want a serious relationship, or kids, or even a job. I can even understand not socialising (I'm a bit of an introvert myself). What I find so puzzling is the lack of interest in life/being alive – you know, just going for a walk on a spring morning, or swimming in the sea, or looking at the stars. Is it depression do you think? I know of quite a few people like this – young people who play video games, smoke weed, and seem to have opted out of the world. I don't know if it's my imagination, but it seems to be more common. Is it just me?

It's not just getting a job. OP mentioned this man gaming throughout the night, sleeping until late and eating takeaways. Of course, his MH isn't going to improve. Eventhough you can't manage a job, you can get up at reasonable time, eat nutritious food and go for a walk to the shops getting vitamin D and exercise in doing so. Living nocturnally, eating crap, not exercising and not socialising are of course going to affect your MH.

Totally agree. I have a tendency towards depression, anxiety and eating disorders, but I have worked so hard to counteract that by having bouts of counselling through the years and, more importantly, having been on anti-depressants for 15 years. I have never been unemployed because of it, and have never needed anyone else to intervene, as I've always recognised my problems and worked on them.

My brother frustrates the hell out of me as he seems perfectly content to be jobless and funded by our parents and puts very little effort into helping himself. And when he does, the effort goes into improving his social life rather than even considering getting a job.

DN has been like this since he left school. Never had a job or training. He has a few hobbies and lives with his dad who supports him. We worry about what will happen to him when his DF dies and he has no job and nowhere to live?

Not everyone can. A lot of people with mental health issues prefer to be awake at night for various reasons such as not feeling pressure, knowing everyone else is asleep and won't knock on the door or call you or they can cause insomnia.

It's also not always possible to socialise, leave your home, get dressed, meal plan, shop and cook a meal.

Some people are unable to even leave their bed or brush their hair so socialising online while gaming and eating anything may be that person's progress.

@LutherVandrossessuit - who gets to dictate what a reasonable time is? Society. There's growing evidence that sleep disorders are over represented in ND populations - which is not necessarily anything to do with mental health. And the fun thing about sleep disorders around circadian rhythms etc? There's not a lot that can be done and GPs don't like prescribing sleeping tablets. Do you know what contributes to long term mental health? Trauma - for many with ND having to try to fit into a society that sees you as defective at best is traumatic.

Honestly this thread is disgusting

It is poorly managed anxiety and depression. People don't opt out of life for the sake of it.

It is very easy to fall not a rut. Some days I have to force myself to leave the house. I suspect they have mental health issues and would benefit from some support. It’s very sad really. I get the no job/no friends thing. That can happen quite easily but to not even leave the house to sit in a park is quite sad.

Sounds like depression to me. Many men won’t recognise they’re depressed or ask for help. Because society still tells them men are supposed to be strong and get on with it. IMHO smoking or drinking isn’t the cause (plenty of very active, driven people smoke and drink), it’s self-medication for the depression.

I think what’s changed is it’s often hard for young people to feel pride in themselves. Growing up with social media has made them feel inadequate if they aren’t rolling in money or stunningly attractive (with filters). And there are fewer opportunities to hang out in groups, because going to the pub as previous generations did, doesn’t happen so much. It’s a very tough job market right now and lots of lower paid jobs don’t allow people to have pride in their work or develop professional skills.

Plus, lots of young men socialise online via gaming now. Nothing wrong with that, but important to venture out into the real world too.

I agree up to a point. Folk will only do what they can get away with. If they wish to choose a lazy life on benefits with no contribution then this shouldn't be an option. Plenty of people with mental health issues struggle to work rather than give up.

My brother is like this, he was diagnosed with ADD when he first started school, he had one friend at school but they moved away, because of his ADD he has no motivation and finds it hard to make friends, he’s applied for jobs but never gets past the first interview so he gave up applying after a few years. My parents fund his lifestyle, I suspect they are also neurodiverse to a lesser extent. I know he’d love to have a job and friends but he doesn’t have the social skills or the support to get either, once he left school he fell off the radar. I really worry what will happen to him once my parents have died.

Sounds familiar to me. I'm 42, work full time, 2 kids, all good on paper.

But if not for the kids i suspect I'd be exactly like that. I wasn't when younger. No mojo, no bucket list, no desire to do stuff i used to want to do despite being able to afford it now. No hobbies.

I think vitamin D deficiency should be routinely tested for. My ND nephew was suffering terribly with increased anxiety and negative thoughts and insomnia. It turns out his vitamin D was very very low. He’s improved no end after a few weeks of prescription strength vitamin D.

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4912003/
Hikikomori - it's a recognised illness in Japan, it's definitely going to get bigger here too

I had a childhood illness so I have always tried to make the best of life because I wasn’t sure I was going to have one.
I have ASD, but I have always worked and I have lots of friends and enjoy days out. I’m not too keen on night time shenanigans if I’m honest and I’d far rather meet up with people during the day, but only because I’m generally exhausted by the evening and I like to go to bed early.
I also have an ongoing chronic illness related to my childhood illness, but I have always strived to not let it rule my life.

Life is very much what you make it. I try to remember that. I’ve not been given the easiest ride, but I’ve done my best with it.

It isn’t an option. To avoid UC sanctions, people have to show they’re actively job seeking. And depression isn’t laziness, any more than cancer is.

Years ago ds2 had a class assembly where the children had to say what they wanted to be when they grew up. There was of course the usual Footballer, Pop Star, Doctor kind of thing. ds2, who was having a diabolical period at school at the time, was tactfully omitted from the list. If he had been allowed to speak he would have said a hermit. I think at the time they would have said he was attention-seeking although I am not sure how wanting to hide yourself away from the world is attention-seeking. Currently, he is at university & accesses life a lot more than I thought he would do at one stage but does still shut himself away a lot more than I would like though. Long-term it could go either way.

No, but scientific studies have shown that depression is relieved by activity like exercise, and engaging in normal social situations. Cancer is not.
Let’s please not start comparing the two.

@Scutterbug that sounds so tough, and I hope the coming year is a better one for you

The OP didn't mention that the man was ND? She said he had dropped out of life?

Just want to say you sound like wonderful parents. I'm sure your children bring you both a lot of satisfaction in life too. Caring can be hard but also very rewarding.

This thread has touched a nerve with me. I have two relatives who could be the young men described in the OP. In addition neither had completed any form of formal qualification (one dropped out of school at 14 and the other managed some at home learning but did not pass any GCSEs). Both are now late teens. It's by turns alarming, worrying and frustrating. Their parents refuse to discuss the situation with anyone and as a wider family we have all had to go along with this approach to ensure we remain in touch. Does that mean we are enabling them? Possibly - I just don't know the right thing to do. I cannot see how this is ever going to improve unless one of the boys decides he is going to make changes, which given how depressed they are is extraordinarily unlikely. To have seen these children born and to witness their lives then turning out like this is unbelievably sad but unless you know anyone this has happened to i don't think you can understand how difficult it is to resolve. There is clearly trauma at the heart of this - but from where I have no idea.

Luckily we live in a society that recognises that not everyone is capable of the same level of ‘giving.’

My DH had a relative born with server difficulties who is capable of things like going for the odd pint and riding a bike but in capable of reading and writing, having a conversation in the ‘normal’ sense and would generally find any kind of work impossible. Should they be constantly thinking and worrying about the person who treated their sewage? I find that concept fairly offensive.

I would guess that these people do not really see themselves as having opted out of anything but are rather getting a good situation going as long as possible. Would you work for money around the clock if you didn't have to? I doubt I would.

I agree with you. It’s a silent pandemic. Rife in middle age too. I have a number of friends (men and women) who’ve been on anti-depressants for years. They have productive lives, are good parents to their kids, great company etc. But are long-term medicated. People who don’t use drugs (like weed) or drink much alcohol, but are using (prescription) drugs to cope with life.

Oakleaffy .I have no idea why NYE is so popular! Getting drunk ,standing about in the cold and wet watching FW. not for me.Tonight I am home with DH and dog!