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Original poster

In laws left and said not to visit with grandkids for forseeable

345 replies

Isitjustme20 · 28/12/2024 13:57

Feeling a bit upset. In laws came down for Xmas and we have a 3 and a 2 year old. To be completely honest, the kids were a nightmare the whole time and overwhelmed and didn’t sleep well. In laws left and said that they will do video calls in future and won’t be visiting until they are better. I feel awful and I do understand because they were really badly behaved the whole time and we try our best but they’re kids and it’s Xmas but equally feel bad for the children as they love seeing them. Is there any way of compromise that people can think of? Thanks

OP posts:
Onceuponatime9 · 28/12/2024 15:50

It would have been better to let posters know the reason rather than generalise by giving the impression ALL! people in their 70s 'just want to sit & rest & remain on the sofa' which is far from the case. I wonder what Donald Trump at 78! would say to that 😂😂😂

notacooldad · 28/12/2024 15:51

They were fit enough to travel 4 hours but not fit enough to take the kids out for a walk?
The journey could have wacked them out.
My mum could easily have done a 4 hour journey on a train or in a car but not run round after two kids. After all I don't think these two are going to walk nicely if they are tired. and out of routine.
Same with my dad. He has a vascular issue. He could get to my house but wouldn't be able to walk far without issue.

EndorsingPRActice · 28/12/2024 15:53

The thing is, we don’t know OP whether the GPs are genuinely getting frail and finding their GC are just too much for them physically, and therefore being reasonable, or if they are still quite robust and were being disinterested/ unhelpful with lively toddlers. Some people are fine in their 70s, some are really not.

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Ceecee2422 · 28/12/2024 15:53

My parents too are in their 70s and it is a lot for them as they get older, they’ve not said they won’t see them again just once they’ve calmed down a bit by the sounds of it, how many nights did they stay? I don’t think my parents could cope with more than one night at that age either, mine do help out but they’re not getting any younger and have their age related problems creeping in so they probably just found it a bit too much which is understandable, I wouldn’t take it too personally………

hiddeninplainsite · 28/12/2024 15:55

Isitjustme20 · 28/12/2024 14:35

my youngest was crying and whining most the day because she was tired, I walked round the house with her most the day to try and placate her, my eldest was whining for a lot of it and pinching me so I kept telling her to go in time out and they would fight at times so it was constant telling them off and separating them, so tiring so I can see why they are knackered because I’m shattered too from it, now they’ve gone their behaviour has gone back to their normal

If you're tired and emotional and you're younger, fitter and spend much more time with the kids normally... it's not hard to see why they couldn't cope with it.

They're not saying you have the worst kids in the world. It's not a judgement on you, your kids or your parenting style. They're just saying that they can't cope with kids of this age.

To be honest, I'm not sure I could and I'm much younger than them. We all have different physical and mental capacities at different ages/stages in our lives.

Young children are hard work. Fact. It's the development stage they all go through. Not everyone is well equipped to deal with that.

Better the in-laws are honest than they end up babysitting on their own and one of the kids has a serious accident because they can't keep track of who is doing what and chase after them in time to stop it from happening.

This isn't you. It's them. If they really thought your kids were awful, they wouldn't be asking to video call.

(I'm not sure the video calling will work as I don't think many kids interact very well with that that 2D mode and no in-person engagement, but the fact they asked to try shows they don't hate your children!)

FeegleFrenzy · 28/12/2024 15:56

Isitjustme20 · 28/12/2024 14:36

They live 4 hours away too so they can’t just pop round so I guess video calls is the only option

With the distance I can see why they’ve felt it’s an option. If they lived closer they could maybe cope with enthusiastic toddlers for a short period. But the combination of travelling and bouncy kids has probably been too much. Guess your dh could do the odd visit on his own to see them.

Chances are though by the time your kids are older to not be as loud the in-laws may not be up for travelling? My MIL wasn’t travelling to see us when she was in her 70s. Obviously not the same for all but it’s a risk. Your dh doesn’t want to never see his parents f2f again. What does he think?

Words · 28/12/2024 15:57

It sounds horrific. I don't blame them one bit! Video calls best solution.

Jbo12 · 28/12/2024 15:58

Wow, they sound very unpleasant, it feels like they are doing you a favour by staying away.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 28/12/2024 15:58

A lot going on here. I want to pick up on the comment you made about telling your 3yr old to go in time-outs. I really think you should look into your parenting style. Time-outs aren't something that I'd have ever used with children, there's a lot to read up on about how these are not a good form of discipline to use. I thought Super Nanny was great BEFORE I had children. Since having children, her methods are just bloody awful.

In terms of your in-laws, I think obviously the behaviour of the children was too much for them, and I don't blame them for that. They know their limits of what they can cope with and appear to have said to you about it in a non-argumentative way. So I really don't get the hate from other commenters on here about them.

I imagine you are upset, but I'd imagine, deep down that some of this upset is also over the overwhelming behaviour of your children.

So, I'd be looking at different parenting techniques. We used Gentle Parenting, and before anyone criticises, this is NOT the same as passive parenting - at all. Model good behaviour to your children, create healthy boundaries. Less of the negativity, and none of those god-awful time-outs!

Goldbar · 28/12/2024 15:59

Your in-laws sound like no great loss with young kids in the family.

They're also rude - even if they left thinking "never again!", they should just have said politely next Christmas that it was too much for them so they'll stay home this time. None of this "... until the kids are better behaved" rudeness.

I would be tempted to say sweetly, "Oh I completely understand. We've also found it a bit of a trial operating a crèche and a full service cafe simultaneously. Maybe talk to DH about arranging a time? I won't be able to facilitate sadly since one of my New Year's resolutions is to cut my screen time."

Neverenoughbooksorcats · 28/12/2024 16:00

To be fair, time out is a shit way of handling small children - people rarely behave better when you make them feel worse, and certainly at 3, I spent my time building connection and talking when things were going shit. It sounds wafty and hard work and definitely isn't as satisfying as time out with it's undercurrents of banishment and punishment, but it's more successful 🤷🏻‍♀️

Separately I'm sure that you were doing the best you could at that point in time and the in laws were the problem. Small kids, Christmas, tired. I remember that at being hell on earth so I'd be grateful that they've stepped back. You don't need to be judged when you are in the thick of it like that.

Ladybyrd · 28/12/2024 16:02

heartbroken22 · 28/12/2024 15:23

Badly behaved? They're toddlers for crying out loud. What more can u expect.

The seen and not heard brigade are out in full force today.

Octopies · 28/12/2024 16:03

Let them do video calls until the kids are older, it takes some of the pressure off you as well as you don't have to host on top of taking care of very young children. It's a bit sad that they expect them to sit on the sofa with them, rather than wanting to interact more with them reading, colouring etc but it's not like you can force that sort of relationship.

MerryMaker · 28/12/2024 16:09

TinyMouseTheatre · 28/12/2024 14:07

No they didn’t, they are in their 70s and like to sit and rest and let the kids come to the sofa to sit with them

Sounds probably for the best then. My DF was still playing football in the garden with the DGC at 82.

My parents both died in their seventies.

Wanttobefree2 · 28/12/2024 16:10

The kids will be noisy and boisterous for a good few years yet and will have very little interest in having a video call with their grandparents, believe he I’ve tried it.

If you can be bothered the only real solution is outdoor meet-ups where the kids can burn their energy off.

Carodebalo · 28/12/2024 16:11

You’re asking for a compromise but i actually think that the videocalls are a good compromise for now. The GP are old(er) and can’t/won’t deal with the bad behaviour (your words) of your DC. Give everyone some time and space and then maybe try again, ideally in an outdoor setting. See how that goes. When my children were so little we always stayed in a hotel or airbnb when we visited (we also lived far away) because my parents just could not cope anymore. It wasn’t always easy but this worked for us. I also recommend you actively try to parent your children. I mean this in a kind way and I’m not implying you did anything wrong at all. But there is a difference between children being a bit loud and silly, and children behaving badly (non stop shrieking, running inside, etc). I promise you that the effort you put in to raise them well, teach them manners etc will absolutely pay off later resulting in children you can bring anywhere and everyone can be happy and relaxed. It takes a lot of effort but there will be results! In the meantime, try not to take it personally. It’s a tough age but it will pass!

Elphamouche · 28/12/2024 16:11

No that’s bang out of order, I wouldn’t be video calling!

Marchitectmummy · 28/12/2024 16:11

Isn't that better for you all for now? Will probably sort itself in a year. Don't be upset by it, they are probably thinking of you all too, its helpful to know boundaries in these things.

Sunshineandoranges · 28/12/2024 16:12

Ah I am sorry..your pil were very wrong to have made that comment. Perhaps your 2and 3 year olds were a bit too boisterous for them but they could have just spoken to you later to try and avoid that in the future. They were unkind.

WhatNoRaisins · 28/12/2024 16:13

I just hope that when the kids are inevitably not interested in long zoom calls they don't start whinging that the kids aren't sitting still in front of the camera for long enough.

MerryMaker · 28/12/2024 16:16

Onceuponatime9 · 28/12/2024 15:50

It would have been better to let posters know the reason rather than generalise by giving the impression ALL! people in their 70s 'just want to sit & rest & remain on the sofa' which is far from the case. I wonder what Donald Trump at 78! would say to that 😂😂😂

Edited

Given Trump is showing signs of major cognitive decline, I am not sure he is teh best example to use.

Purgepossessions2025 · 28/12/2024 16:18

Don’t feel bad what were they expecting with toddlers? They want to play not sit nicely.

TicTac80 · 28/12/2024 16:19

It sounds rough, but don't beat yourself up or feel bad: I wouldn't be expecting any 2 and 3yr old to be behaving like the Von Trapp kids...particularly at Xmas, when normal routines are completely out of whack. At that age, my eldest was very easy-going, didn't tantrum/scream, just got on and fell in with family plans etc etc. Like a fool, I thought that was the norm, and that my youngest would be just as easygoing. However...FML, she was the complete opposite (it was horrific when she would kick off, and I would often end up having a quiet cry to myself). My DC are older now (18 and 11), but I've not forgotten how tough it could be!!

We had a big family get together yesterday: DC aged between 1 and 18. Everyone just got stuck in with playing with the younger DCs and watching them - games indoors and in the garden - plus we all helped out with cooking/washing up etc. I think it helped.

I don't know what sort of compromise would work at the moment: there's quite a distance to travel, so not easy to do in a day. Video calls for the time being. What about - in better weather - meeting halfway at an NT place or suitable venue? The kids could run about and let off steam, plus it's a shorter distance for travelling. Maybe wait til better weather and take a picnic along. Your PILs could meet up and see you all, but on neutral territory. A picnic would mean you don't have the fun of wrangling two toddlers in a restaurant (I remember that joy with my youngest!).

Maddy70 · 28/12/2024 16:19

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 28/12/2024 14:02

Sounds as if DGP have made a sensible decision based on their reaction to a quite noisy environment. No one is right or wrong here, they just can’t cope with your children’s exuberance,,so they have worked out a way to stay in touch without getting a headache or being exhausted.

Yes this noone is is right or wrong, they just can't cope with it

piscofrisco · 28/12/2024 16:20

Miserable nasty bastards. I would have replied that you'll next see them when they can help instead of criticize.