In laws left and said not to visit with grandkids for forseeable

[Isitjustme20]

Feeling a bit upset. In laws came down for Xmas and we have a 3 and a 2 year old. To be completely honest, the kids were a nightmare the whole time and overwhelmed and didn’t sleep well. In laws left and said that they will do video calls in future and won’t be visiting until they are better. I feel awful and I do understand because they were really badly behaved the whole time and we try our best but they’re kids and it’s Xmas but equally feel bad for the children as they love seeing them. Is there any way of compromise that people can think of? Thanks

What??

of course they're judging. They have said they won't be visiting again until the children are better behaved!!

@Isitjustme20

im not surprised you're hurt. Personally I'd take it as a win.

2/3 year olds at Christmas can be loud, grumpy, behave badly etc they're 2/3 over excited, overwhelmed, tired & out of sorts.

What's the in laws excuse? If you can't handle your grandchildren behaving like small children, then staying away is your best option.

your children won't know any different and it's only the grumpy grandparents that will miss out.

your kids aren't stuffed toys. They're not going to sit quietly on the settee for hours. They should have got DH to help & taken them off for some fresh air!!

if their own mum describes them as a nightmare that day, you can expect a lot more! Even for their own mum's sakes! It's thankfully rare that kids are a nightmare NON STOP for days. They can have moments, but this was especially bad, as described by their own mother

That last sentence and a similar one in your initial post…

while the DGP were at your home was there talk of how your DC’s miserable behavior was a result of DGP being there? Even if no one said it in a blaming way?

I have small kids (3 under 6 and one on the way) and I see this from both points of view

in my opinion they shouldn’t have mentioned anything now and at the start of dec next year told you “we are just going to have the two of us next year for our Christmas”. The way and timing of what they have said hurts because you now inevitably feel like you have done something wrong. You haven’t. Kids are extra especially hard work at Christmas no matter where they are

I don’t see the problem at all. They explained that they can’t cope with very young (unruly) children and offered an excellent solution. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’m in my late 50’s and I wouldn’t cope well with toddlers screaming and crying a lot either as I’m very noise averse. Luckily, we live a long distance away from our adult DC so only see the youngest grandkids for short bursts which suits us just fine. We can still message regularly and FaceTime them.

"They are in their 70s and want to rest"
OP mentioned their age as if it was an acceptable reason for all people in their 70s not to move of the couch.

They were polite, they said they’d do video calls for a while, what’s wrong with that!
Not every older person can deal with screaming children especially for hours on end.
They have offered a sensible compromise to stay in touch, keep an interest in the grandkids, but taking away the stress, it sounds perfect to me.

My siblings and I are in our seventies and so far thank goodness fit, healthy and active. We're also hands on with the youngsters in the family though the youngest is seven now so not comparable.

OP hasn't given any indication of what these grandparents were like before. Maybe they're just not very nice people.

However, I have friends of similar age who would not be able to do much at all with toddlers because of poor health and would find it all very stressful. One has very little energy because of heart troubles and another seems to lurch from one illness to another. They wouldn't be able to lift them up or run after them.

At least a few of the scathing posters on this thread might be in the same boat when they're older, hard as it is to imagine.

Staying in hotel - you or them so there is a break - or meet up in middle at location with lots to do for the kids? Or yes video calls till older.

What was your husband doing to help?

You think video calls with a 3 and 2 year old are a ‘sensible compromise’? I had two very sensible, calm, articulate toddlers and they struggled to engage with video calls for more than a minute or 2. It was just meaningless to them. So it might suit the grandparents, but won’t do much to built any meaningful relationship with the grandchildren. If they’re ok with that then I guess it’s a sensible compromise.

They're only teeny! Blimey. If they were teens I'd understand it more. They're within their rights to not want to hang out with little kids, but that is their issue and not a problem with the kids.

"They are in their 70s and want to rest"
OP mentioned their age as if it was an acceptable reason for all people in their 70s not to move of the couch

For some people at that age they may not be able to move of the settee or even want to. Everyone is different. We don't know anything about the in-laws.

Mmm honestly I get that we all want our family to see the best of our kids and adore them as much as we do -!: it's crap when it goes the other way instead.
I think them acknowledging it wasn't enjoyable for anyone is fine and very 6 months ago this age will be better . See how things are in the summer .

I am more patient because I had kids, but no way would I have coped with toddlers like that when I was in my 20s!

It's not an age thing. I wouldn't have made any comment, but I would never visited for longer than 1 hour ever again 😂

My ILs were like this, now they are handwringing that they are not close to their GC. Toddlers will be toddlers. I wouldn’t take it personally, they just can’t handle the kids and don’t want to learn.

Did you take the children out for walks and play whilst they were sitting on the sofa to get away from them?

They will miss out. I would have an honest conversation saying little kids can be a handful but it seems a shame that your kids and they miss out on having a relationship.
Maybe offer to meet half way every few months at a child friendly place, it's a lot easier in the summer when the weather is nicer.
But at the end of the day if thats what they want to do it's their loss.

Sorry OP, my kids have also been like this over Christmas and grandparents have been really kind and understanding. Took one of the kids out for a trip (because they can’t manage both), played with them, supported and encouraged us and also offered some gentle advice when I asked for it. I wouldn’t be facilitating video calls.

its the "until they are better" that's not polite.... To me I interpret it as "we are staying away until their behaviour improves"

Absolutely- my in laws are in their 70s and very fit and hands on.

All of this.

The children weren't 'badly behaved', they're toddlers, FFS.

I'd be saying 'yes, we will absolutely stay away, and don't expect a meaningful relationship with your dgc in the future. They're not robot dolls.'

My ILs were like this from late 60s.
They would not move from the sofa once sat.
One Christmas I was in the kitchen doing breakfast, (before lunch, dinner, endless hot drinks and everything else,) and DP popped into the garden to get some logs for the fire. He was gone 7 minutes, tops, and DGP must have shouted me 20 times to come and get DS who was about 3 at the time because they couldn't cope unless he was sitting stock still and not moving.
I dont think I could be bothered with video calls though, I would leave those to your DP, and just shout 'hi' from the background.

They were fit enough to travel 4 hours but not fit enough to take the kids out for a walk?

Even if I was too frail to do a lot I could surely say "You get the kids to the park to burn off some energy, I'll make myself some tea and put the TV on for a bit,"