Am I ungrateful to be disappointed with Christmas gift?

[chinahandsff]

I know this might sound ungrateful and I'm not but I just feel a bit meh
My partner and I been together 4 years.
Live together etc
We said we would write a list of a few nice gifts we wanted for Christmas and then we ended up with what we wanted with a couple of other bits
I put on a perfume and benefit makeup.
He put on liverpool shirt /trainers
I got him both (cost £200) then I got him hoodie /pjs and a bottle of whiskey.

I opened mine today
I got a hot water bottle (Primark )
A pair of pjs (Primark )
A pair of footsie slippers (Primark and were in his niece size and also her fav cartoon character )
A benefit Mascara
Pandora charm

He said he couldn't get the perfume it was out of stock in boots /superdrug
It was lady million (and I've checked stock and it was in stock )
So I don't know feel a bit sad
I don't mean to be ungrateful
I think he has seen the price and though f that.

I often exchange gifts lists with my DSis, mainly me giving her a list of what I want because she's pretty easy to buy for - plus I've been more broke than her recently and I know what I need, whereas in her case it's things she tends to want/like in general.

My list will be long, and have items with prices ranging from £1 up to the agreed ballpark max limit and specific brands only when critical e.g. I don't care what brand for clothing, rather fussy about what brand of chocolate. She then picks & chooses a select few items from the list that add up to around the agreed value, usually a mix of "need" and "nice to have", that she fancies getting me. Sometimes there's items she or I buy each other that aren't on the lists, but we've seen & know will be particularly well received (e.g. the sherpa Oodie I got her one Christmas that only comes off for washing between the start of winter & spring).

That way we have a budget agreed beforehand, we know we will get something we want/need, but there's still a lovely element of surprise as we never know what we will actually get.

My birthday is mid-summer, hers (and my DSil's) are in January and both have had the "joint" Christmas/Birthday thing for years; often they would get something that was cheaper for the giver because it was bought in the sales. I look at it a different way - with a birthday after the start of the sales, I can buy them MORE for the same budget, rather than spending less on their gifts.

The Kylie tickets for your birthday yesterday are irrelevant.
He won’t have just bought them, they went on sale ages ago. That money was long spent and you’re entitled to a birthday and separate Christmas present.

he has put next to no effort in and he’s taking the piss.
if you want to be a bit passive aggressive. Tell him you’re embarrassed to have spent £200 on them and the trainers plus £xx on the other stuff so you’ll take the trainers back so it’s closer to what his budget for you was.

And mean it, pick them up and go and put them away.

then when he’s dumbfounded or protesting, tell him that you’re hurt and disappointed that he clearly doesn’t value you the same way, that a supermarket sweep of Primark is not acceptable when none of it is what you’d like or given him a prompt for, let alone clearly not actually intended for you.

if he says it was all getting expensive of mentions Kylie then tell him he should have talked to you about reducing budgets.

for what it’s worth, my husband got a bit shit at buying Christmas gifts for me after previously being thoughtful.
i told him how I felt and laid out my expectations, didn’t have to be expensive, previous gifts had been cheap but very thoughtful.
hes listened and gifts now are well thought out and im very touched and grateful.

So many of the responses seem to presume that the OP doesn’t actually like her partner and can’t have a conversation with him.

Wait until the day after Boxing Day and have a grown up discussion. Explain that it was the perfume that you really wanted and ask him to return the bits you don’t want to get you the perfume.

I do think that having lists for Christmas is a bit pants and opens you up to this kind of disappointment. He’s obviously the taken the list as “ideas” rather than what you absolutely want.

Alternatively, just buy yourself the perfume. Returning some of his presents to pay for it is hardly in the spirit of gift giving. If it’s that transactional, maybe don’t bother with buying each other presents next year and just buy yourself what you want.

Same. Not one present for me so I've hidden some Lindt chocolate that was supposed to be for tomorrow and gifted it to myself. All that shopping and prepping to receive nothing in return. Lots of selfish men around it seems

I'm sorry you're having a crap day - enjoy the chocolate and don't share any of it!

I think YABU

He got you some really nice gifts but they’re just not exactly what you wanted.

I don’t know how much yours would come to but I assume it’s a lot if you think it was because of the price.

Perhaps have a limit of £50/100 or something for each other for each occasion.

How much did the tickets cost?

I assume you’re also not the only person he’s buying for and I personally wouldn’t ask for expensive gifts at Xmas from my partner.

This.

I'd be rethinking the relationship. Not because of presents but because this is his character. Selfish, thoughtless, uncreative, low-effort and stingy.

Just another shit partner that a woman is tolerating for reasons I'll never understand.

If he loved you, he'd put effort in.

If he's generally mean and tight with his money, if he has a tendency to not think about you then - listen! This is who he is, he won't change. Decide whether this will be a deal breaker.

He didn’t get her some nice gifts, he just picked up random stuff in Primark and clearly originally had his niece in mind for them.

he was also clearly ok with asking the OP for £100 football shirt and trainers which would have been at the very minimum £60.

so while you wouldn’t ask a partner for an expensive gift, that has nothing to do with how grateful OP should feel because her partner doesn’t feel the same as you

We’re love at home so we don’t really care

I initially agreed with you but then I saw your update about the Kylie tickets, to me that changes things as that is a huge treat gift in my eyes. Fair enough to get smaller bits for the other gift-giving occasion. I have a December birthday too btw so it's not that.

He's not though, he just bought her Kylie tickets.

I'd be disappointed too, the most expensive item he got off your list was the benefit mascara. Whilst you spent around £300 on him?? Not fair at all. He clearly thinks it's quantity over quality with the Primark sweep

Spot on, @NunyaBeeswax

Until women stop rewarding shit men with sex, domestic support/wifework, financial support, kids, etc, men have no incentive to do better.

He got her some crap gifts (slippers in the wrong size, with cartoon characters on???) from one of the cheapest shops around, that weren't what she wanted. She however bought him exactly what he wanted.

Their initial lists, at a quick scan, seem to be of roughly equal value. You may not ask for expensive gifts at XMas from a partner, but the OP's partner has and does ask for expensive gifts from her, so clearly they do things differently from you. And I'm sure she also has other people she is buying for.

The Kylie tickets are completely irrelevant - if her birthday that they were a gift for had been in July or May, I'm sure nobody would think of mentioning them - why should someone have their Christmas gifts down valued because of what month/day they were born!

I think they’re lovely gifts.
I would be really chuffed with those things.

I think it’s a bit much to get tickets and then expect someone to spend £100s on you a few days later.

Love should not be based on how much money someone spends on you.

I would be mad ad hell and wouldn’t hesitate in letting him know his presents were crap. Alternately you could say thanks for these but where’s my real present.

Did he get them... Or did you ask for them?

Cause let's logic it out shall we.

Did he know the music you love? Did he research your favourites? Find the tour dates, arrange childcare, hotels, meals, transport and the tickets and surprised you with a complete package...

Or, did you ask him to pay for a thing you wanted and it'll be in you to organise getting there and everything else.

Because one is a fantastic gift that shows a huge amount of love, consideration and willingness to make their partner happy...

The other.. has no thought involved beyond entering credit card details into a website.

I bet he got the cheapest tickets!

@NunyaBeeswax I told him about Kylie and he transferred the money
I also booked the hotel for May next year and booked the train
He turns up

@zebraplant we got mid range
So not bad views really but only because I don't mention the cheaper tickets at the back
I told him £120 each was the cheapest 🤣

I’ve thought of something else to say. Try I hope you’ve kept the receipts for this crap because it’s ALL going back for a refund and YOU can give me what their worth and then YOU can top it up to the amount I spent on you.

My DF is dreadful at buying presents. (can't be arsed). He used to give my DM money in advance, so she could buy the present and wrap it herself.

Kind of spoils the whole meaning, but otherwise would have ended up with unwanted presents like this.

Jesus

And this is the level you accept from life?

I'd rather be single for the rest of my life.

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Incoming rant..

There needs to be some kind of international movement to get women to raise their bars off the bastard floor and aim fucking higher.

Cuntish idle idiot men do fuck all and land themselves a woman who is basically a replacement for their mother and masturbating.

the women then get piled on more and more and more and when Xmas comes around, is there a thanks from the idle fuckwit men for all the women have done?
Nope.. just more work for them and more managing the house, the food, the gifts, the decorating..
and more worrying about making sure everyone's happy...

Whilst the men do fuck all but reap all the good from the woman's efforts.

These men should be cold and alone in a dingy shit hole, pulling their withered cocks to porn...

Not sat in a nice house the woman's decorating and made homely.

Not with nice food planned, bought, cooked by a woman.

Not with nice gifts that the woman has gone to lengths to buy.

Not with kids the woman has provided and dressed and bought for.

So on and so on.

I despair at this time of year I really do.
There's Men that are given the world by women... And all the women get in return is a pair of wrong sized Primark slippers and they're expected to be grateful... I'd be APOPLECTIC WITH RAGE