Asking for a lift home offended.

[Goatymum]

I met with friends last night about 20 mins walk/5 mins drive from my house. At the moment I'm not driving due to some health issues, so I walked there and was hoping DH could pick me up afterwards on his way home, but he was still out (he picked me up last time a couple of months ago and always picks me up from the station nearby if I've been out in town.
When I've gone out with these friends before in the area and said I was walking home (ie in the summer), this particular friend always offers me a lift saying 'oh it's no problem I'll drop you back etc', even taking another friend home who is more on her way (so am I but she would've had to go back a differentway to take the other friend if that makes sense), but she was really weird about it last night when I asked if she minded dropping me home and made a strange remark. She did drop me however, and I said I really appreciated it as I wasn't driving.
Now I feel a bit ashamed of asking and I should've just walked the 20 minutes and would probably have been fine, but I was pretty shattered after work and I've been a bit post-viral as well. I will definitely never ask this person for a lift again though - it made me feel really shitty.

Yes that's the right thing to do.

But surely if you are going out for the evening and dont want to walk home then you should put plans in place for that not to happen- she could have asked her partner to pick her up.

What if this friend wasnt able to drive on this occasion? what if she herself took a taxi and wanted a drink that evening? what if the friend was ill at the last minute and not able to attend? you cannot just assume people are able to give you lifts home without checking first.

You might be comfortable turning someone down when asked for a lift yourself, but I’m not. I’d feel put on the spot and like I had to do it. You put her in an impossible position.

id be worried about you walking home in the dark and if you’d got attacked I’d feel forever responsible if I’d said no.

If you decide to go out, you need to make plans for how you’ll get home. By yourself. Even if Ubers take 40 mins to arrive.

You cannot ask others for lifts because you simply don’t know what’s going on in their lives.

In essence, in my view you took advantage of her good nature because you didn’t want to wait 40 mins for an uber or walk home.

If you don’t want to do that, in future, don’t go out.

I experienced this early on in life when I had a car and most friends did not and I ended up as an unpaid taxi driver. It makes you pretty resentful after a while.

we were young. You presumably are not and should know better.

Did you even offer petrol money or some way to say thank you (other than saying thank you).

and you only see her three times a year. I’m not sure that’s a friend friend. Like a true friend. And even among true friends, lift cadging can get really really annoying.

You might be comfortable turning someone down when asked for a lift yourself, but I’m not. I’d feel put on the spot and like I had to do it. You put her in an impossible position
id be worried about you walking home in the dark and if you’d got attacked I’d feel forever responsible if I’d said no

Yep- me too. Its all very well for people to say "she should have just said no" but if you are faced with someone who has made no plans regarding how they intend to get home and the only option is for them to walk home alone in the dark then you feel completely obliged to say yes because you'd then worry something awful would happen to them.

You've put her in a impossible position where she is going to look like an uncaring twat for saying no so of course she had to say yes, probably hence her comments.

We are all grown adults and we are all responsible for getting ourselves home from a night out. If the Uber takes 40 mins to arrive then simply order it 40 mins before you intend to leave - it's really not that difficult to navigate, surely?

Most people manage to get themselves home after a night out. I've been doing it my entire life.

You take her and her lifts for granted. You're acting like you're entitled to them. No wonder she is peed off with you, you expect them. An uber would cost £5 for a 5 minute walk distance. Stop being a drain on your friend.

next time ur out with your oh, pop in with a tin of sweets or a bottle of wine and say thanks for the lifts and happy Christmas. Hopefully she will appreciate the gesture.

I don't get the point of this thread.
So you won't ask her again 🤷🏻‍♀️

I'm also a woman, but I acknowledge that from a safety perspective, walking home alone in central London even after midnight is different from other places.
But if you don't feel that walking home alone is a safe option, I think you should arrange matters in advance, not ask on the spot.

I got really really p’d off with a friend who didn’t drive (her choice - nothing medical etc) who assumed that as I had a car and we lived within 10 miles of each other that I would pick her up and drop her home when we had been to the same event.

Every now and again, especially in winter nights I really didn’t mind. But it became a real pain in the arse - I had to leave home way earlier to collect her on time, arrive, park and and collect tickets etc. At the end of the evening I got home way later after dropping her off having waited to see she got inside ok. Who was going to see I got inside ok? If you can’t drive or have a useless partner it’s ok to accept an offer occasionally, otherwise book a taxi!

I would hate that. When people start expecting things it takes the goodwill out of it. Did you stop the lifts and how did she react?

Never assume a lift home, wait until someone offers or take a taxi.
I'm sure there's no harm done but like you say, don't ask again.

Everyone is chewing over whether or not it was ok to ask your friend for a lift. The bottom line is that the friend was put out and the OP feels bad. Write her a note, OP, saying that you realise it was an imposition, explain as you have here and say you realise that you should have made alternative arrangements and that you will next time and that you’re so sorry. Deliver it with some flowers and wish her a happy Christmas.

I agree, I’m absolutely shocked by how many people think it’s out of order to ask a friend for a lift home. My friends and I wouldn’t think twice about it. If I’m driving, I’d go out of my way to collect and drop people off and if someone else asked, I’d just include them!

It resolved itself in a way. I went to an event with another friend (we both made our own way there) and my other friend also arrived. She was huffy that I hadn’t told her I was planning to attend and I made sure I didn’t hang around at the end. Somehow that ended the friendship. I still feel a bit mean but her reliance was becoming too much.

This.
I often offer a lift even if it's out of my way, and I'd always prefer if someone asked rather than struggled /felt unsafe.
Maybe I'm a different sort of friend.

I do think it makes a difference if you have ever seen offered her a lift even if out of you way. She might feel a bit used.

I agree with this. I tend to drive on nights out- for the same reasons the above PP has stated, plus I don’t particularly drink, so it’s not a big deal for me to go alcohol free and know for sure how I’m getting home. However I found that at the end of the night, I’d inevitably be asked to give lifts home. It did get a bit tiresome when I was the only one who had bothered to plan how i was getting home, yet I’d end up getting home later than everyone else due to my unofficial (and unpaid of course!) taxi service.

I am not driving atm and tbh i always take an Uber as dont want any hassle from people or any snide comments from friends or even family, as have seen how people can be!
Makes for a more peaceful life..🙏

I guess she feels that by offering you a ride shé is in control, shé decides it. When you ásk her for a ride it's something different - for her I mean. Like : oh no, @Goatymum is "presuming", "expecting" that I take her home. And maybe she has trouble saying "no" - I know I find it difficult to refuse when someone asks me to do something. Also maybe : it could be that other people have taken advantage of her in the past and that now she's over-sensitive to being asked rides or other services. I think a good talk over a cup of coffee might restore your relationship 😊

It doesn't matter what she said - she either didn't want to and felt pressured or she's generally feeling put out about doing this too often.

In this situation you have to say -' appreciate it's short notice but would you mind dropping me off? If not don't worry I can grab an Uber no problem '

And then you put some money in her account. Or you send her a gift. You don't ask - you just do it and say here you are thankyou.

Had this last night actually. I am in a permanent pickle driving places with health issues. A friend drove a really long distance for something for me. I transferred money beyond petrol ( way beyond) to basically say thanks I appreciate it, this is way out your way so this is for the hassle.

I think it makes you feel better yourself if you just cover off things like this. You have some control over the situation. If she then bitches that's her problem because you offered choice and gave payment/ gift.

Yep - I hate people being passive aggressive. I think it's best to offer choice, express the fact you have an alternate option and then pay.
Always easier to just pay a professional tho and these issues like you say don't arise. People so often want an excuse to be snide or bitchy.

If I lived 5 minutes' drive from someone, I would take them home.

I suspect my driving is safer than the average Uber driver's driving too!

I also don't think it's CFery to ask someone to drop you back if you live in the same direction or close together, although I agree that it is probably more polite to ask in advance and not at the moment you need the lift.

A really long distance is very different from 5 minutes' drive, though.

Some people offer and then are annoyed with themszlves for « offering » too much 🤷🏼‍♀️

you haven’t done anything. She is a bit weird and now you know how she feels about it. Don’t accept any offer from her anymore on lifts and arrange yourself your side. Try to offer something next time you see her.

👌🏼🌺