Asking for a lift home offended.

[Goatymum]

I met with friends last night about 20 mins walk/5 mins drive from my house. At the moment I'm not driving due to some health issues, so I walked there and was hoping DH could pick me up afterwards on his way home, but he was still out (he picked me up last time a couple of months ago and always picks me up from the station nearby if I've been out in town.
When I've gone out with these friends before in the area and said I was walking home (ie in the summer), this particular friend always offers me a lift saying 'oh it's no problem I'll drop you back etc', even taking another friend home who is more on her way (so am I but she would've had to go back a differentway to take the other friend if that makes sense), but she was really weird about it last night when I asked if she minded dropping me home and made a strange remark. She did drop me however, and I said I really appreciated it as I wasn't driving.
Now I feel a bit ashamed of asking and I should've just walked the 20 minutes and would probably have been fine, but I was pretty shattered after work and I've been a bit post-viral as well. I will definitely never ask this person for a lift again though - it made me feel really shitty.

As a woman of a certain age I really disagree with those who say you shouldn't have asked her for a lift but should have dropped a hint. When I was young I used to do assertiveness for women training classes (anyone remember those?) We were taught to state our needs quite clearly (but politely) and to accept it when the other person refused to do what we asked for. We were also taught to be honest if someone asked you to do something that you didn't want to do, to be honest (but again polite) and state clearly that you didn't want to do it. Again, we are taught to live with the consequences of our decisions.

Clear, honest communication is good. There is nothing wrong in asking someone for a lift.

Your friend may have wanted to head home and relax. No harm done but probably a good idea to ask for lifts in advance or find another way home.

With a few friends I have gotten in this role and not one person ever thought to buy me a drink, a coffee or pay towards fuel. I may as well have rebranded myself as a taxi driver.

Not anymore. These days if I am in a situation where I have driven and others have not thought ahead, I realise it’s not my issue anymore. I quietly exit and pretend I'm getting a lift in a 2-seater car, if asked.

Cheeky to ask without offering petrol money.

I would do it for a friend too fwiw - but it wouldn't enter my head to ask for a lift or drive that distance.

I am not bothered by the dark - just last night I walked 20 mins back from the train station at 11pm after my work Christmas do

I think you should've asked in advance rather than put her on the spot. If it had been me I wouldn't have minded giving the lift, but I like to be mentally prepared even for something like this that others might think really trivial, therefore I like a bit of advance warning.

If this is otherwise a good friendship I think you’re making way too much of one weird ambiguous comment. The suggestions on here of binning her off for that are absurd - it’s such a weird refusal to put work into relationships.

Maybe she really would have preferred you ask in advance or waited for her to offer. Maybe she had already been asked for lifts by 3 people that day. Maybe her social battery was completely drained. Maybe the way you asked was too expecting and it just landed wrong. Maybe dinner didn’t agree with her and she was desperate to get home and use her own toilet. And maybe the comment was just some random brain chatter and when you took it the way you did that’s what made it all awkward.

If she’s your friend I’d either completely let it go or just send a light apology and see what she says. I’d probably text “Hey, sorry I put you on the spot asking for a lift. I appreciate you running me home but I’ll plan something else next time.” If she was slightly annoyed there’s a good chance this will cure it, and it’s entirely possible she’ll respond with some version of “oh no, I was just being weird/annoyed with [different thing].” I’m an anxious overthinker about social things and I’ve learned that just sending a check-in (“did I stick my foot in it on Thursday? I felt like you might be an annoyed”) or a light apology for whatever I could have done better saves me a lot of angst and keeps things that should be a minor blip from straining a friendship.

I think this is it
Asking for a lift is entitled, it puts her in the position of having no choice-you should make your own plan and wait to be offered.
Quite rude to ask for a lift

It depends a lot on the walk, doesn't it? Twenty mins through well-lit streets with proper pavements - no problem. Village with no pavements but almost no traffic? No problem, if I have my hi-viz jacket with me. But no way would I want to walk back from the station to where I live now - 60mph country roads with no pavements and no streetlights, or across an unlit park.

But the OP has been quite clear that it was because she was tired not anything to do with lack of pavements etc She says in her OP "maybe I should just have walked" without suggesting it would have been physically dangerous to do so

Happily asking her for a lift, yet completely ruling out ever offering her a lift in return, could be the nub of the issue for her.

Hmmm, yes she should have not been passive aggressive but as someone who rarely drinks and always ends up being the designated driver whether I want to or not it does get a bit wearing sometimes. Especially when people dont seem to appreciate me going out of my way or offer any petrol money.

Its not the fact of doing it that annoys me, its the expectation that just because I am not drinking I must be ok to do it and sometimes I am am knackered and just want a peaceful drive home in silence by myself.

It soy ds lime she was joking, to me

I know what you mean, but I suppose if I were feeling ill I might think it would be easier to jump in with a friend instead.

I don't mind walking in the dark either, it's a bit hard not to at this time of the year. I also walk across fields, which seems to be another thing people struggle with!

As a woman of a certain age I am assertive but take responsibility for myself
ALWAYS know how you are getting home, have the money .
The Ops needs are her own to sort out not the lift givers.
I think the fact the Op had no prior plan comes across as entitled and a bit cheeky -she views the friend as a taxi

That doesn’t really mean other women should be expected to walk home in the dark, just because you do, also it depends on the route.
Not saying it’s other people’s responsibility to drive someone home, the friend was driving anyway, shouldn’t be a big deal because it’s not a regular thing.

I have no idea how you got that from the op. She says that she was hoping that her DH would be able to pick her up. She also says that she normally walks it (or plans to) but was feeling a bit post-viral and shattered after work so asked her friend for a lift.

Doesn't sound entitled to me, or cheeky, or like she views her friend as a taxi.

@Headingtowardsdivorce
The friend had no idea of the above as Op straight out asked for a lift -it's how it came across to the friend, that's what I'm referring to

She could have said

Ok I'm walking home now
Oh no DH can't collect me-Ill book an Uber
Both allow the friend to decide whether she wishes to offer

Can I have a lift with you please
May have come across as the Op is now taking the lifts and friend for granted

Lifts should always be offered and never ever expected. Arranged in advance is okay.

I love my alone car time and i get annoyed having to unexpectedly share it.

I'm a central Londoner, so things are different - nobody drives for evening stuff, really, and so everyone's doing a train / bus / taxi / walk home. But a 20 min walk seems like a standard and no-big-deal thing. If offered a lift, fine, but I certainly wouldn't ask for one on-the-spot.
I've been out at a work social evening, and walked home afterwards - just checked google maps and it's 1.4 miles, so just over 20 minutes. I could have got a cab, but either way, it's not exactly a trek.

OP is a woman, what about safety, walking home late at night @LondonLawyer You live in a capital, obvs depending on where op lives, maybe taxis, Ubers aren’t as accessible.

Have taxi's vanished?

Go on Goatymum, you are fine!
People are odd about helping out, I would have happily taken you. My adult daughter rang me complaining the other night as a colleague asked her to drop something at his home (big item and he was on a pushy) she was driving right passed his house so no trouble to her but she was being all indignant. I told her to get over herself and she got a bit huffy BUT later messaged that he has called ahead to his missus and she ran out to collect said item and with two bottles of very nice plonk to say thank you!

Said her a message saying thank you, blow a bit of smoke up her arse and give it no more thought.

I hope you feel better soon.

"We prob wont meet for a while now anyway, as only meet up about 3 x a year! then it'll be summer and I will hopefully be driving again!"

So the decent thing to do is to actually be in touch with her before then and offer to give her lifts as it's more than overdue for you to reciprocate.

I completely agree. And particularly since the friend had offered so many times already. Also the friend should have just said "No, sorry I can't today," not agreed and then passive aggressively made the OP feel.uncomfortable.

I think with the update on her response I do think it’s because you assumed she’d give you a lift without prearranging it. For most friends this wouldn’t have been an issue. But for her it clearly is. Ah well, you know now. As others have suggested maybe offer her a lift next time.