Infertility and baby at work Christmas lunch

[TintedMug]

It’s our work Christmas lunch next week. It’s on a working day and they’ve just extended everyone’s lunch breaks so we have 2 hours instead of 1 and it’s on work premises.
One woman is on maternity leave but will be coming to the lunch end bringing her baby. Which is obviously fine generally. The issue is for me, I’m not sure I’ll cope. We were pregnant at the same time (not that she or anyone else knew as I didn’t tell anyone) but I miscarried at 9 weeks. That was an IVF pregnancy (have been trying for 5 years naturally and IVF over that time) and was my second miscarriage. Since she’s been pregnant and had the baby I’ve had another round of IVF and lost that one as well last month. And that’s it for us. Due to age and finances we are at the end of the line. I will now never have children. Obviously this is something that I’m struggling to come to terms with.

I’ve spent years faking being fine with not having children. I tend to tell people I don’t want them or just make a joke about being too old and set in my ways for that “haha” plus I love my holidays “haha”. I don’t. I can’t afford holidays after paying for multiple IVF. I don’t think even my husband knows how devastated I am. I tell him it’ll all my fine and we’ll have lovely holidays in the future. But really I contemplate leaving him regularly so he could try and meet someone else to have children with as he so desperately wanted to be a dad and it’s my fault he can’t.

How can I get through this meal? Everyone is so excited about her bringing the baby. The group chat has been renamed from Christmas lunch to cuddles with baby. I can’t call in sick as I can’t let the job down and also I’m self employed so won’t get paid. So what reason could I have for not going in the middle of the day? Realistically I know there isn’t a reason and I have to suck it up. But I’m not sure I’ll make it through the afternoon. I’ll be seeing clients all afternoon and need to be “happy” and on it. I usually time seeing friends babies so I can go home and cry after. But I can’t do this next week. This is also the first time I’ll be around a baby since my last miscarriage and realisation it’ll never happen for me.

To be honest I don’t know why I’ve written this thread. I know non parents on here don’t get well received. I’ve read enough threads about how lonely I’ll be in old age and how much of a burden I’ll be on society. So yeah I get it. I’m not as important as mothers so I just need to get over myself. I know that.

Because, much as I feel for the OP (and I've offered what I think would be my solution to it if I were her), the woman is excited about bringing her baby to see her colleagues and the rest of the group are excited about the baby being there. One person asking her not to bring the baby would be disproportionate in the circumstances.
The OP herself says the baby coming is 'obviously fine generally'. And I'm not the only poster to have expressed this opinion; maybe take it up with them.

Sending you lots of love. My heart breaks for you can feel the pain in your words please speak to someone about the grief you are going through.

I am so sorry for your losses OP. Your work situation sounds unbearable - I agree with pp and that you should say you can’t attend the meal as you have an emergency dental appointment which you need to get sorted before Xmas. No one needs to know - but I’m sorry that you’re in this situation and that you are having to miss your Xmas works do as it’s been hijacked by your colleague and her baby.
For fertility week last month my work had training for line managers on how to ensure those with fertility issues are supported and not excluded from the workplace - a baby announcements/ visits from new parents and their babies to the office was covered. Whilst it definitely did not say that births and babies shouldn’t be celebrated by teams it did have some helpful tips on how to be mindful of those with fertility issues and how to give them the option of opting out of it’s too painful.
take care of yourself OP x

This was me. Please look after yourself as a priority

the group chat has been renamed from Christmas lunch to cuddles with baby

What have I read - this can't be true?? Awful and not appropriate for a Xmas team lunch which should be about building rapport/camaderie between the people working - not a baby shower. Is work paying for this too?? I would hate attending something like this even though I don't have strong feelings on babies or fertility, but it's not condusive to a fun, relaxing time.

I would be honest with your manager and explain why you can't attend. If you're not close enough, I would invent a personal emergency or medical appointment (last min slot) where you need to rush home at lunch time. OR you have to wfh for. But the couple hours worth of pay you'd get sitting through that horrorshow is not worth your mental health.

@TintedMug You really won't be ''a burden'' or any of those painful things you talk about..any more than the rest of us will be.
Life is unfair, it is cruel sometimes-some of the very best people cannot { or choose not to have} children for various reasons.

exactly - whichever way you look at it this lunch is not about the baby. Renaming the lunch is just silly. I have a DC - I don't want to do baby cuddles at Christmas lunch. No, no, no

I’m so so sorry for your losses and my heart breaks for you. It is totally right to put yourself first. You need to look after you. I hope at the right point for you - you can also share the depth and extent of your grief with someone else hopefully your husband.
In the short term, don’t go to the Xmas lunch - say whatever you need to say - tell HR or your boss the truth- tell a lie - pull a sickie whatever works. Instead do the nicest thing for you that you can imagine doing - your biggest self indulgent spoiling treat. Then in Jan take a couple of your closer work mates for a lunch or drinks to catch up.
Don’t think any less of yourself - this is proper grief you’re going through - nurture yourself xx

@TintedMug Sounds like such a good person.
The pain in her words are palpable.

I wouldn't want to play ''pass the parcel'' with someone else's baby, either.

No Thanks.

Doubt the baby will be that enamoured, either, being passed about to a group of people he or she doesn't know.

Urgh so much of your message resonates with me. I haven't heard/seen it before but I also secretly think about leaving DP if our final shot doesn't work (we're on second ivf round right now, just had a miscarriage last month, very low chances of success).

I'm so sorry you're already on the other side, I can't quite imagine it, or can't make myself ready to. I'd vote not to go to the torture party. Agree with others above to tell line manager that it would be detrimental to your MH. Such a shame it's been made about the baby when it could have been a good times thing. Maybe arrange a fun thing in its place.

A friend has just announced she's pregnant, wasn't even trying. We're both quite old so it was very out of the blue. I can handle the idea and be "happy for her" from afar, but if I were to bump into her I'd implode, I honestly think I'd just cry immediately, or maybe be sick. I wish I could have a Christmas party with all the people going through the heart rend of infertility. That sounds weird, but it's sooo good for there not to be a hidden undercurrent of devastation to everything. Nice for things to be in the open. I wish you all the best.

@Lostito @MNHQ I don't seem to be able to reply to you. Have you accidentally name changed?

I agree with sandyhappypeople. You are grieving the life you wanted and should share this with your partner.

Sending hugs OP. I would fake a non emergency reason why you have to pop home over lunch - forgot medication; a contact lens fell out; you need to feed your cat; your husband got locked out etc.

I don't agree with people bringing their children to xmas lunches anyway - they are supposed to be an opportunity to thank the team/celebrate the team's successes - and if your colleague can't find a baby-sitter for a couple of hours, she should be the one not going.

This is amazing your work does this! We lost our first three pregnancies and it was hell trying to navigate teaching primary in an area with forever growing huge families and pregnant colleagues.

I wish more people were trained in how to soften the blow and navigate issues for staff who have experienced difficulties. There's nothing worse than being forced to be in a meeting or situation where babies or talk of babies doesn't need to be brought up.

Now that things are going well for us, I'm very careful to not discuss things around colleagues and am now avoiding parts of the building whenever possible as it's less and less possible to hide it.

As you are self employed and have clients to see in the afternoon, I'd go to work in the morning saying a filling has come out/crown become loose, but you've managed to get an emergency dental appointment at lunchtime. Take 2 hours out, so you miss the lunch. You can get through this, but don't torture yourself by attending the lunch.

Been there and in the same circumstances. Please don’t put yourself through it. Fake a bug, work emergency, covid… protect yourself.

It’s really not worth putting yourself through it, believe me :) Prioritise your wellbeing xx

Please stop faking to people ! What’s wrong with saying I am desperately trying for a baby ? If you had bad asthma there would be shame in saying I can’t breathe properly or if you had arthritis “ I can’t grip this jar to open it “ why so much secrecy and shame about a part of your body that does not work ?
definitely tell your husband your true depth of feelings
you need therapy
Definitely don’t go no client is more important than your happiness

Sorry just read that back and I sound harsh it’s supposed to read as strong loving friend xxx
been in your position it hurts so much xx

im in the same boat and agree it’s best just to be honest. Why should I lie and pretend to make jokes when people have no boundaries

What a horrible situation OP, I’m so sorry. Your last paragraph is not true, you’re being unnecessarily unkind, kicking yourself while you’re already down.

Does your manager know any of this, did you take time off for the last miscarriage? If not, or if you can’t really talk to them, stuff letting the team down and have the flu/ migraine/ upset tum after a takeaway. It’s not fair to the team but life’s not bloody well fair, and they’ll cope. Or could you wfh that day because you’re waiting on someone coming to look at the washing machine? It’s even worse that you’ve gone through this and none of them know, how alone you must feel. Look after yourself OP x

Sending hugs OP. I'm somewhere on that journey (not sure what the destination is yet) and it's completely reasonable for you to remove yourself. I think @minuette1 makes an excellent suggestion which then means you can actually go home and give yourself some peace and quiet for the duration. Maybe an episode of a comforting TV programme and comfort food? You forgot some meds but then the dishwasher had leaked so you had to wait in, etc. Or if home is too far away just have a 'medical appointment' - you don't have to give details.

I hate that your Christmas lunch has been hijacked like this (so unnecessary!). If this happened to me I'd actually have a quiet word with my boss about it, but I know we all work in different contexts and not everyone feels able to talk openly about these things or has a boss who would be sensitive.

'For fertility week last month my work had training for line managers on how to ensure those with fertility issues are supported and not excluded from the workplace - a baby announcements/ visits from new parents and their babies to the office was covered'

That's brilliant, and I hope lots more workplaces start doing training like this

Yes we get them on the Mumsnetters Without Children board occasionally. AOP I am so sorry for what you are going through. I have been there with failed IVF though not miscarriages. Do pop over to the Mumsnetters without Children board, you will get lots of advice and understanding.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/childfree-mumsnetters

I think a lot of posters are presuming the OP has a corporate job where it is a bit more inappropriate IMO to bring a baby but those jobs don’t tend to have WhatsApp groups to organise a Christmas lunch either. I’m thinking you’re along the lines of a hairdresser or similar OP? So you probably can’t wfh and in which case I would just pretend to have an urgent appointment over lunch. If OP hasn’t told her colleagues she’s having difficulty ttc then they can’t be accused of being insensitive.