Infertility and baby at work Christmas lunch

[TintedMug]

It’s our work Christmas lunch next week. It’s on a working day and they’ve just extended everyone’s lunch breaks so we have 2 hours instead of 1 and it’s on work premises.
One woman is on maternity leave but will be coming to the lunch end bringing her baby. Which is obviously fine generally. The issue is for me, I’m not sure I’ll cope. We were pregnant at the same time (not that she or anyone else knew as I didn’t tell anyone) but I miscarried at 9 weeks. That was an IVF pregnancy (have been trying for 5 years naturally and IVF over that time) and was my second miscarriage. Since she’s been pregnant and had the baby I’ve had another round of IVF and lost that one as well last month. And that’s it for us. Due to age and finances we are at the end of the line. I will now never have children. Obviously this is something that I’m struggling to come to terms with.

I’ve spent years faking being fine with not having children. I tend to tell people I don’t want them or just make a joke about being too old and set in my ways for that “haha” plus I love my holidays “haha”. I don’t. I can’t afford holidays after paying for multiple IVF. I don’t think even my husband knows how devastated I am. I tell him it’ll all my fine and we’ll have lovely holidays in the future. But really I contemplate leaving him regularly so he could try and meet someone else to have children with as he so desperately wanted to be a dad and it’s my fault he can’t.

How can I get through this meal? Everyone is so excited about her bringing the baby. The group chat has been renamed from Christmas lunch to cuddles with baby. I can’t call in sick as I can’t let the job down and also I’m self employed so won’t get paid. So what reason could I have for not going in the middle of the day? Realistically I know there isn’t a reason and I have to suck it up. But I’m not sure I’ll make it through the afternoon. I’ll be seeing clients all afternoon and need to be “happy” and on it. I usually time seeing friends babies so I can go home and cry after. But I can’t do this next week. This is also the first time I’ll be around a baby since my last miscarriage and realisation it’ll never happen for me.

To be honest I don’t know why I’ve written this thread. I know non parents on here don’t get well received. I’ve read enough threads about how lonely I’ll be in old age and how much of a burden I’ll be on society. So yeah I get it. I’m not as important as mothers so I just need to get over myself. I know that.

I am so sorry for your loss. Please have an emergency you have to leave for. This is way too raw for you. You need time and healing. Give yourself grace.

Could you just work from home? Maybe a boiler/plumbing emergency which means you are fine to work, but need to be home? I think you have every right NOT to have to deal with the baby being there, and it being trigging for you, but also spoiling the fun of seeing the baby and the fun for the new mum of bringing the baby in would be selfish. Also it might make you unpopular with your colleagues if they are looking forward to seeing the kid/colleague? If the kid is still tiny, feeding might be a problem if your colleague were to come in without her/him.

I think you need to excuse yourself and tell a colleague or manager why, let them discreetly tell others. 'She finds it hard to be around new born babies right now due to her own fertility issues'. I know you may want to keep your life private but pretending you are OK will only rub salt in the wound. You will feel people are tactless because they don't realise and it will make you even more angry and resentful. If everyone is told your issues they won't bring it up and 99% of people are respectful in this way, there may be one asshole but most people are very supportive and appreciate honesty.

I am incredibly sorry for your losses OP, a truly heartbreaking story.

It's highly inappropriate to have your work Christmas lunch appropriated like this with a baby dropped in. Baby visits should be short into the office say 5 mins then anyone who wants to grab coffee with mum can do so. Not everyone wants a baby drooling all over everyone and it's not nice for everyone. Id fake sickness if I were you or an appointment somewhere then you can still attend your afternoon meetings.
The wider problem is you need time and care and the help if at all possible of a well trained counsellor to work through the understandable grief you're going through as you come to terms with your ivf not resulting in a baby and all the thoughts that's bringing up. It's too much to handle on your own. You sound very very strong but maybe too strong and send sufficient. You should also tell your husband how you're feeling. He also has feelings to work through too. Talking to him and a trusted counsellor will help x

@TintedMug a big hug from me. It is so difficult and I think you should do what is best for you and if that is making an excuse and missing the lunch so be it.

I don’t think you will end up lonely as you said in your post. I used to work with older people and so many who had kids never got visits and those others who did not for whatever reasons, had friends and extended family who cared for them really well.

you need to grieve and give yourself time.

💐💐

No platitudes, this is a horrible situation and having been through infertility and miscarriage myself, I can feel every bit of your pain. Ten years ago now but I was bursting into tears and angrily ripping up Christmas cards full of pregnancy announcements when I had experienced my first IVF loss.

Don’t go to the lunch, call in sick, nurture yourself, and if you haven’t already, have a look at Zoe Clark Coates stuff on social media (and her books) about dealing with the grief of miscarriage and infertility. I also found it hugely healing applying for, and receiving, one of the new government issued baby loss certificates. Seeing that precious little life recognised meant so much to me.

Sending hugs. Am so sorry.

I really don't think it's appropriate for someone to be bringing a baby to a work Christmas lunch. I haven't gone through what you've gone through and I still wouldn't be okay with it.

Can you maybe confide in HR and explain the situation?

You have been through so much, it is understandable that you want to protect yourself. Could you have an emergency in the morning which means you miss the lunch and you get in the office just after they all left and you work through lunch and your afternoon meetings/appointments?

Try be kind to yourself and get support/help to deal with these very heavy emotions you are carrying.

There are some lovely thoughtful responses on here OP - I hope that you feel understood and have a plan to avoid the lunch.
Wishing you well

It's an unpopular opinion, but I think this sort of thing is highly inappropriate in the workplace. It's not that uncommon for people to be infertile or to have had a miscarriage. It has absolutely nothing to do with the workplace and not only are you supposed to accept it, you're supposed to actively be delighted it's happening.

Anyway, fwiw I wouldn't go. I think it will just be too upsetting and you won't be able to get away easily.

You don't have to go to the lunch. It's ok for you to not be ok right now. But you must must talk to your husband.

Its a heartbreaking position to be in, and no one could ever fault you for not going.

Take the time for yourself, book a massage or something indulgent to take your mind off things x

You poor thing. Absolutely not the same but I had years of trying for a second (never managed it) and I found babies hard for a bit. I cannot imagine what it is like in your situation. Be kind to yourself, 100% sack off the lunch and I hope you begin to feel better in time.

self preservation - don’t attend.
Call in sick or make an excuse but please don’t put yourself through it. This was (and still is) a major trigger for me, so I totally understand how you feel.

don’t put yourself through it, take care and do something nice for you instead

We’ve just had a similar situation - this woman is INCESSANT with the baby things- constantly pinging the work WhatsApp group with things like ‘ he’s finally weaning!!!!’

i think a few of us have mentioned things to the manager because they have have (finally!) put in some restraints . Would you feel comfortable mentioning it to work so they can help you ‘have an emergency’ ? My manager put round an email saying there’s a been a lot of baby talk lately and she’s setting up a separate space for those interested (it … has not worked because the woman is still absolutely self absorbed but I think the fact my manager made the effort to acknowledge the situation helped me at least feel like someone understood.

finally, I’ve just ended up being really open about my own shit-show of an ivf journey which I think has helped make the wider team more aware that things might be going on behind the scenes. But I appreciate that puts the responsibility on you to speak out and you really shouldn’t have to carry that burden.

I’m so sorry. Having had lots of fertility issues and failed IVF I absolutely understand why you don’t want to go and don’t think you should put yourself through that. You can come up with an emergency but will you have to be in the office when they come back? I’d be trying to avoid it most of the day if possible. Or I assume your manager knows about your recent loss as you’d have had time off? Could you confide that you would struggle and wouldn’t like any attention drawn to the fact you weren’t there. I do think it’s a real shame you have to miss out on a Christmas lunch so a baby (who doesn’t work there!) can come.

I cannot imagine anyone questioning why you would miss this lunch tbh

Bit insensitive of colleague to bring the baby

'It's an unpopular opinion, but I think this sort of thing is highly inappropriate in the workplace. It's not that uncommon for people to be infertile or to have had a miscarriage. It has absolutely nothing to do with the workplace and not only are you supposed to accept it, you're supposed to actively be delighted it's happening.'

Couldn't agree more. Completely inappropriate

OP, I am sorry about your losses and the struggle that you have faced TTC and with IVF.

I am not a parent, I'm not sure I have made life choices that have set me up for parenthood... however, I do feel very stung when people say "holrosea has never been interested in kids, why would she give up her lifestyle? lol".

Perhaps I've not discussed it with you, but it's certainly not that I've said "I don't want kids". It's certainly not that I don't care.

I just wanted to say please be kind to yourself, and, gently, be honest with your DH. He's been with your through the miscarriages and the IVF, both of you clearly wanted to be parents and both of you are dealing with this loss. I strongly doubt that he wants to run off and find a different womb. Strong marriages are made of adaptation and change and compromise. Perhaps he is also struggling but doesn't want to dump it on you, especially if you're "fine".

Good luck and 💐

So sorry about your situation ... no suggestions about your immediate dilemma. But is it worth thinking through what benefits there might be in being honest with your colleagues and friends (and not trying to keep this under wraps)? And being totally honest with your husband too and sharing your pain and supporting each other properly? I don't know, everyone is different and copes in different ways - but it might just be simpler (and possibly a relief?) not to have to keep up a pretense? Just a suggestion which may be way off the mark - and hope I haven't said anything clumsy. Good luck in finding a way through this ... x

Also, this bit of your post, OP:
To be honest I don’t know why I’ve written this thread. I know non parents on here don’t get well received. I’ve read enough threads about how lonely I’ll be in old age and how much of a burden I’ll be on society. So yeah I get it. I’m not as important as mothers so I just need to get over myself. I know that.

I know that there are mixed responses on here and not always nice but please know that the majority of MNers (or indeed mothers not on MN) won't think like that. The child free people I know are some of the most "contributory to society" people I know and absolutely not lonely or a burden. My best friends are child free and I never ever think they need to get over themselves. They're absolutely wonderful people who are child free for different reasons but they have so much to give and experience in life.

“I’m not as important as mothers so I just need to get over myself. I know that.” Please don’t think this about yourself. You’re just as important ❤️

I would not go to that lunch in your situation. Make up a GP appt or something, anything. Just don't go.

Oh you poor thing. I think renaming it 'cuddles with baby' is going too far (would irritate me just because it shouldn't be the focus) and I think there is a lot of inconsiderate behaviour around pregnancy/ babies not ever considering how hard it could be for some. I think you have two choices, go, drink wine have a laugh and try not to focus on the issue. They'll probably leave early. If this is going to be too much for you, which is totally understandable, cry off with a nasty temperature or something. No shame in that.

Oh I’m so sorry, you shouldn’t have to deal with this and it’s so unfair the decision has been thrust upon you in this way. Fully agree with PPs that you shouldn’t go. Personally I’d be telling my manager why (I had a miscarriage this year and being open worked best for me) but appreciate you may not want to/feel able to do this. Also if you’re self-employed you possibly don’t even have a line manager? In which case I agree the emergency plumber route is the best one…but I’d stay home all afternoon too to avoid any potential baby chat afterwards. Sending hugs OP 💐