Infertility and baby at work Christmas lunch

[TintedMug]

It’s our work Christmas lunch next week. It’s on a working day and they’ve just extended everyone’s lunch breaks so we have 2 hours instead of 1 and it’s on work premises.
One woman is on maternity leave but will be coming to the lunch end bringing her baby. Which is obviously fine generally. The issue is for me, I’m not sure I’ll cope. We were pregnant at the same time (not that she or anyone else knew as I didn’t tell anyone) but I miscarried at 9 weeks. That was an IVF pregnancy (have been trying for 5 years naturally and IVF over that time) and was my second miscarriage. Since she’s been pregnant and had the baby I’ve had another round of IVF and lost that one as well last month. And that’s it for us. Due to age and finances we are at the end of the line. I will now never have children. Obviously this is something that I’m struggling to come to terms with.

I’ve spent years faking being fine with not having children. I tend to tell people I don’t want them or just make a joke about being too old and set in my ways for that “haha” plus I love my holidays “haha”. I don’t. I can’t afford holidays after paying for multiple IVF. I don’t think even my husband knows how devastated I am. I tell him it’ll all my fine and we’ll have lovely holidays in the future. But really I contemplate leaving him regularly so he could try and meet someone else to have children with as he so desperately wanted to be a dad and it’s my fault he can’t.

How can I get through this meal? Everyone is so excited about her bringing the baby. The group chat has been renamed from Christmas lunch to cuddles with baby. I can’t call in sick as I can’t let the job down and also I’m self employed so won’t get paid. So what reason could I have for not going in the middle of the day? Realistically I know there isn’t a reason and I have to suck it up. But I’m not sure I’ll make it through the afternoon. I’ll be seeing clients all afternoon and need to be “happy” and on it. I usually time seeing friends babies so I can go home and cry after. But I can’t do this next week. This is also the first time I’ll be around a baby since my last miscarriage and realisation it’ll never happen for me.

To be honest I don’t know why I’ve written this thread. I know non parents on here don’t get well received. I’ve read enough threads about how lonely I’ll be in old age and how much of a burden I’ll be on society. So yeah I get it. I’m not as important as mothers so I just need to get over myself. I know that.

How tacky. Are these all women whose biological clocks are ticking or something? It's not an NCT meet-up. It sounds highly annoying and I'd be so fed up with this team.

I'm with you on this.

I would talk to my manager or someone else I trusted to explain the reason. It’s good for them to be aware.

Other than that you don’t owe anyone an explanation. “Sorry I can’t join you for lunch but have fun 🎄”

Don't go. It's inconsiderate and you don't need to out yourself through that pain.

If you can at some stage share with your team what you've been going through, I'd hope they be kind and considerate in future. Loss and childlessness is a very deep and painful wound. You need to be kind to yourself, and allow others to be kind to you by gracefully excluding yourself from more pain.

Be good to yourself.

I know you are trying to be helpful and kind, but this moment in time is not the time to be suggesting there are alternatives. It in, in fact, very insensitive, I'm sorry

The OP needs to work through her grief and come to terms with losing yet another baby and the loss of the kind of life she was hoping to have, before she can move forward and decide how she wants to live her life in the future.

True. unless it’s a very small team and 100% sure it’s fine, best to say no babies

Don't go put yourself first

migraine is prob the easiest excuse .

sorry for your losses 🩶

It’s shit but you can do it. You are stronger than this and you will get through it. Avoid the baby at the lunch. If you get offered a cuddle just say you’ve got a cold and don’t want to pass it on. Your meetings might be a good distraction… the home time for all the Xmas choc you want

The childfree often end up doing the lion's share of caring for elderly parents etc, so contribute a great deal.

I have 2 children - but I have been pregnant 7 times.

5 miscarriages and seeing colleagues pregnant at the same time. and even now close to a decade on, I see those colleagues and their kids at the children's party and think stuff like number 1 would be that old, number 3 would have been that age...

Christmas is always bittersweet to me as my first miscarriage was for a pregnancy due on Christmas Day...

Is there someone you can trust - even just one colleague you can tell? Then go for a walk, for an emergency dentist or something and focus on yourself for the day

Oh OP I feel for you so much, what an awful situation. You are grieving, for the life you could’ve had, and I would strongly suggest you get some professional help with coping.

Please don’t say it’s your fault, it isn’t, it’s just one of those things and you’re very very unlucky. You can’t help it that your body won’t do what you want it to do.

Also please don’t think of yourself as less important, you really aren’t, you’re still special, you’re important to lots of people - your DH, your family, your friends, your colleagues, your clients. You won’t be lonely in your old age as you’ll still have many of these people, you might live in a retirement community and have company there, you just can’t predict the future. You won’t be a burden, please don’t think like that.

Back to the lunch, I would definitely swerve it. When they all leave to go, say you’re just finishing something off and will catch them up, then WhatsApp to say oh sorry, it took longer than you thought, you’re not going to make it.

Big hugs and to you OP.

I'm so sorry for your losses. Don't go, it will be too much. I'm speaking from similar experience xxx

@TintedMug I am so very, very sorry to read your post. I guess you work in something like a hairdresser/ beautician/ nails etc.

I know you don't want to tell anyone, but since the Christmas lunch is actually on the premises, I think you need to do everything you can, not to be in your workplace at all On that day. Is there no - one you can speak to there, who can support you and smooth the way for you to be off that date?

I'm so sorry, op. I've been there with years of infertility and ICSI and i know that feeling too well. I wouldn't go. You don't owe them anything. I would pull out the lunch, you don't even need to give a reason.

@LostittoBostik I agree with you

Huge sympathy to OP. Awful situation to be in. Might be helpful to confide in a colleague, it's nothing to be ashamed of, but don't share unless you are comfortable with the possibility that it will be shared more widely

Be kind to yourself, avoid the lunch if you have to, but don't make the new Mum feel guilty for her good fortune

I agree, it's not on to suggest that the other woman comes without her baby.

OP, if there's no one at work you can confide in or lean on, I'd just tell a little white lie and say you've got a tummy bug or something else antisocial but only mildly incapacitating, and will stay at home for the day, but work from the sofa/bed (so you get paid).

That wisdom tooth of yours is looking a bit ropey OP… hope it won’t start to hurt on the morning of the lunch …

Don’t go - say you have a GP appointment and it was literally the only time they could fit you in? Or a last minute hospital appointment?

It’s totally okay to sit this one out. Obviously, she’s doing a totally normal thing and no doubt will not understand the impact it will have on you. I do remember though feeling similar when a friend who had been pregnant the same time as me had her baby when I had experienced a loss.

I support a lot of sober women who are navigating their first Christmas since they stopped drinking. Very different but I think the advice is actually the same. Set yourself up for success. That means don’t put yourself in a situation where it will all be too much. It’s okay to just decline the lunch. I would speak to your line manager and arrange the day so it’s easiest for you. Work from home or ask to take it as a sick day to support your mental health. If you really want to go though, set yourself up for a French exit, so you can leave quietly without a fuss and go home or at least take a walk for a bit, without needing to announce your departure.

Mute and archive the WhatsApp group, say you have a doctor's app during the meal. Sorry you've gone through so much x

lostito - I'm not sure that it's on to rename a work Christmas lunch WhatsApp group though.

And the lunch should be a coming together of the team and a recognition of the hard work in the past year. While the person on Mat leave is an important team member, her needs don't trump those of someone who has worked all year.

And most breast feeding mothers can go out without their babies once breastfeeding is established. She is choosing not to.

@MarkWithaC why is it not on to suggest she comes without her baby? She is on mat leave, presumably not required to come at all to this lunch so if she wants to it's up to her to find suitable childcare or decline if she can't leave her baby. It's a work event during work hours and no one else would be bringing their children. If she wants to catch up with colleagues while on mat leave she should organise a separate lunch for those who want to attend rather than hijack the team Christmas lunch.

This.

Someone you trust and who will cover for you but will be discreet. I hope there is a colleague who fits this description.