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Am I being suspicious unnecessarily?

178 replies

Anoniam · 08/12/2024 23:54

I have an Amazon account. I have Prime, so partner uses my account occasionally.
I've just been through my search history looking for something I bought a while ago and decided to delete a few items from my browsing history. There were items on there obviously my partner had been searching...
Any idea why he'd be searching for these? The women's fancy dress has made me suspicious.

Also searched for a penguin cuddly toy with Arsenal on it and a baby's dressing gown with arsenal on it. We don't know any babies and he doesn't support Arsenal.

Am I being suspicious unnecessarily?
OP posts:
DowntonFlabbie · 10/12/2024 10:00

Anoniam · 09/12/2024 11:19

But items only come up in the browsing history if you've searched for them and clicked on them.

You don't have to have searched for them. If they were suggested and you clicked it comes up.on your history.

Victoriancat · 10/12/2024 10:07

Well now I'm curious what he's said, that being said I search for all kinds of random crap on Amazon, or stuff I or someone else I'm taking to has found funny

ThisZanyPinkSquid · 10/12/2024 10:08

Did you ask him?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

OhHellolittleone · 10/12/2024 10:13

Is he a teacher? My search history would lead people to all kids of conclusions. Is she planning on canoeing the Amazon? Has she recently acquired a donkey? Has she taken up the trapeze?

PollySays · 10/12/2024 10:13

mumda · 10/12/2024 09:00

Saves me writing it. @Anoniam you need to decide how much more torture you're going to do to yourself.

I have just come on to say exactly the same thing.

@Anoniam you just can't catch a break in your life, can you! You're being mentally and spiritually tortured by your partner, and when you're not being manipulated and gaslit by him, you're torturing yourself. No wonder you are feeling sick, and feel absolutely helpless, there is absolutely not one chink of joy or hope in your life, and that must feel desperately sad.

Your nerves must be permanently on edge waiting for any minor incident to trigger him and you can't address anything that concerns you as that is only going to trigger him further. What a vicious circle.

Like others have said, I have absolutely no idea what you think you're going to achieve by confronting him, as you already know the outcome and you're willing to put up with it?

If you were going to confront him and in your mind you thought, "This is it - if he says its all in my head, I'm going to ask for his phone, and if he wont show me his phone, I'm telling him its over" and you meant it, then go for it.

But I suspect, you're working yourself up into this awful state of mental torture > then you're going to confront him > he's going to deny it > then he's going to have his turn to mentally torture you > then you're going to work yourself up into this awful state of mental torture...

...and you've achieved nothing but days of mentally tormenting yourself, winding him up and you're back to where you started on this hellish ride, waiting for it all to start again for the next trigger event.

It might not be this event or this occasion, but please take the time to contemplate when you're ready to get of this merry-go-round of hell, as nothing will change, unless you change it.

Tinseltuttifruitti · 10/12/2024 10:17

You're in a classic abusive relationship, he has you wound around his little finger.

Forget Amazon completely, except to change the password which is easy to do. Call women's aid and ask how you can deal with emotional abuse and gaslighting.

meganorks · 10/12/2024 10:25

Well to answer your initial question, no I wouldn't be suspicious of my DH if he had this on his Amazon search history. Not that I'd know where to look for it. Why would he be looking at it? Who knows. I've clicked on random things when I've seen them and thought 'what the hells that?!'. I've searched for things other people have mentioned - so if someone said they had a fancy dress party, I might look up things for that to laugh at. My husbands work always seem to buy all kinds of random secret santa presents as silly 'in jokes'. So barbers pole maybe some guy overly obsessed with his hair. Or just nothing at all, just something random he's clicked on.

The fact you have gone straight to 'he must be going to a fancy dress party with a sexy lady he's shagging' is based on past behaviour. You say you know he'd lie about it. But basically, unless he gave you that answer you are not going to believe him. If you don't trust him then bin him off. You don't sound like you even like him. He doesn't treat you well, he's cheated on you before. But also, you plan on opening a conversation about this with 'how was the fancy dress party?!' I hope you are not being serious because I can see why he gets annoyed with you if you talk in passive aggressive riddles. That's not to say he is in any way justified if he is shouting or aggressive towards you. But you would literally be setting up argument with that line.

It doesn't sound like you get anything positive from this relationship, so I'd start making plans to leave. The Amazon thing is largely irrelevant.

Re the account thing though - my husband has Prime which I mostly use. So my phone and laptop will automically go to his account. I have to actively log out to go to my own account.

GoingUpUpUp · 10/12/2024 10:40

I mistyped something the other day and something really random came up.

But to answer your initial question, if this were my DH I probably wouldn’t even question it. Or we’d have a laugh about how it came about that he was searching for this stuff.

Even though he WFH he still has colleagues, he could’ve been in a meeting and chatting and someone said ‘there was a woman at a party at the weekend wearing this costume’

So in summary your history is clouding things. This isn’t a way to live where you are scrutinising every tiny thing. You must be so permanently stressed.

Analysisandparalysis · 10/12/2024 11:03

mumda · 10/12/2024 09:00

Saves me writing it. @Anoniam you need to decide how much more torture you're going to do to yourself.

What PP’s said.

Please leave, this isn’t going to get better and you’re living in fear. Every single day you stay is a day you’ve lost to this lying, cheating scumbag.

None of the other stuff matters - if he has or hasn’t cheated again, as he’s an abusive, gaslighting, angry arsehole who is treating you with disdain and contempt.

Get help to leave, find a way, for your own good. You deserve a future x

Lifeomars · 10/12/2024 11:04

It's not so much the stuff he has been searching, it seems to be that it has highlighted the fact that you can't trust him and you are too scared to ask him outright because of the way he behaves towards you when you have challenged him the past.

JingleB · 10/12/2024 11:20

If asking your partner a question about his Amazon history has you frightened and shaking, your relationship is already broken beyond repair.

Normal, healthy relationships don’t involve fear. They don’t involve walking on eggshells, being gaslit, wanting to record the conversation “for evidence.”

Asking him is pointless. His answer is irrelevant. It could be vague musings about staging an AmDram Barber Of Seville or it could be about having wild monkey sex I fancy dress, dangling from a barber’s pole. It doesn’t matter.

You can’t trust him, he makes you afraid and he undermines your reality.

Until you are prepared to kick him out, nothing will improve.

IceCreamMundae · 10/12/2024 11:28

I rarely say this, but is this the way you want to live your life? Worried all the time that he is cheating, and afraid to question him.

I think you need to look at your options. Build up your own confidence in yourself, and find someone that you can trust.

Plastictrees · 10/12/2024 11:31

I hope you’re okay OP. The Amazon searches are odd but the main thing here is recognising that the man you are with is an abuser. He is gaslighting you, deliberately distorting your reality and making you doubt yourself. He has already cheated and should be doing everything he can to show remorse and full transparency moving forwards in order to gain your trust back. He is not doing this. You will never get what you need from this man. You will never get the truth and you’ll only drive yourself mad trying to find it.

Drop the rope OP. Believe you deserve better. Garner what is left of your self esteem and leave him. Contact Women’s Aid for support. You are worth more.

NovaF · 10/12/2024 11:33

Could it be work related? Someone at work had a baby and he bought them arsenal stuff. Hate to put the thought in your head but is the fancy dress…for him?! 🤣 I once had a straight male flat mate and went into his room to find something he borrowed, his wardrobe door was wide open and he had about six items hanging up one of which was a dress! I wouldn’t be able to resist a rummage in the drawers.

Hackedoffinoldage · 10/12/2024 11:33

Anoniam · 09/12/2024 11:09

Yes but why would he search for women's Greek fancy dress items on Amazon?

Any update for us? Did you speak to
hin?

Merryoldgoat · 10/12/2024 11:36

If you’re not going to leave why does it matter? He already knows he can do whatever he likes and you’ll stay.

🤷🏾‍♀️

NovaF · 10/12/2024 11:37

Ok, just read the other posts, your husband is a piece of shit and you can do better, being by yourself is better than this, it is abnormal for you to need to get regular sti tests when you are in a monogamous relationship. He is awful

Meanwhile33 · 10/12/2024 11:43

“He distorts my reality. He will get angry as soon as I ask and make out I've lost the plot.“

The Amazon search is really not a big deal, it doesn’t matter why he looked at those things, it’s a tiny issue. The issue is all the other things you have told us about him and how he talks to you. There is no mystery you need to solve, he has already given you 100s of clear, explicit and obvious examples of what a bad partner he is.

Please stop focusing on the Amazon stuff and start working out why you are with someone who treats you this badly and what you’re going to do about it.

oakleaffy · 10/12/2024 11:45

Anoniam · 09/12/2024 00:19

He never leaves his phone. He's cheated in the past. Glued to his phone 24/7.

This is seriously bad news, OP. Kick him out.

EveryOtherNameTaken · 10/12/2024 11:46

Merryoldgoat · 10/12/2024 11:36

If you’re not going to leave why does it matter? He already knows he can do whatever he likes and you’ll stay.

🤷🏾‍♀️

Yep! And you're going to accept it as you don't want to leave why bother 'working out' why he's looking?

PinkyFlamingo · 10/12/2024 11:48

What's happened to you in the past you ate accepting this guy and not wanting to leave him?

MoodEnhancer · 10/12/2024 11:52

OP, all of this stuff about his browsing history and how to confront him is a distraction from what is very clear here: this is not a relationship to stay in. You no longer trust him (and rightly so given he has cheated on you) it makes you feel panicky and on edge and sick, his reactions are such that you feel unable to talk to him and you are walking on eggshells. All of this adds up to a very unhealthy and unhappy relationship. It doesn’t sound like you have kids with him. So why on earth are you staying with him? I promise you, you deserve better. I also promise that this won’t pass. Don’t waste your life being unhappy and anxious and on a man who is very clearly not worth it.

Pherian · 10/12/2024 11:54

Anoniam · 09/12/2024 00:01

I will but he's not going to be honest. I don't see why he'd be looking at buying a woman's fancy dress costume. It makes me wonder if he has plans with someone.

If he’s not going to be honest, maybe some deeper reflection here as to why your worry is his search history and not why you’re choosing to be in a relationship with someone you don’t trust and think is going to run off with someone else.

itzthTtimeGib · 10/12/2024 11:57

I’m not sure how many men are looking to have elicit affairs with women in togas?

diddl · 10/12/2024 11:57

He's cheated in the past, he's probably cheating now & you know you should leave.

Honestly what's the point in confronting & him shouting & putting yourself through that?

You don't trust him & surely that's all that matters?

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