Can I ask my kids to pay towards Xmas food shop.

[I4gotmyname]

Would it be bad if I asked my 3 oldest, to give me 15.00 each towards the Xmas food shop. And ask them to pay for the alcohol. As I don't drink.

I'm struggling a bit this year . Not to a massive extent. But a bit of help would be nice. I feel bad though because they are my kids.

There are disability/special needs. Which is why people in my family are on benefits.

@I4gotmyname I get it. I'm skint this year too as have had lots of time off work unwell and on SSP.

It's crap having to ask your kids to help out, because in an ideal world you want to to it for them. I wouldn't ask for £15 each from them though. I would have an honest chat with them all and explain that you are finding things tough at the moment, and are struggling to provide all the Christmas food and drinks for everyone. See what they suggest, and take it from there.

I hope you all do have a lovely Christmas together.

Is this now going to Turn into benefit bashing thread ? Several times I have said there are special needs and disability within the family. Sadly I don't have control of that.

So again I’ll ask, is everybody in your house on benefits ? Is anybody working ?

Well you got that totally wrong

I presume you don't have special needs @AngelicKaty? The OP's 17 year old dear son does not have a job, he is on benefits because he has what are probably lifelong special needs. Despite what @I4gotmyname says, £660 pounds is not a lot of money at all, and your circumstances are probably very different to the OP's son's circumstances.

OP, I wouldn't give my opinion if you hadn't asked, but as you have I can tell you that I think that asking for any money from your 17 year old son, or your DD, is horrible, and because I don't think you should ask them for money, I think it would be very unfair to ask your only child who has so far got himself into a more comfortable position, to contribute.

What I do think you should say to all of them after Christmas, is that you have loved this year's get together, but unfortunately you won't be able to afford to host next year. That will give them plenty of time to talk about it amongst themselves, and to decide if they - or even only one of them - want to ask you if you will host if they buy most of the food.

I do think it is okay to ask them if they can bring their own drinks if they want to drink alcohol.

£660 pm is a lot of money when you have all
your housing costs, bills, food and mobile
paid for. It‘a disposable money.

OP’s DS can afford to fund his own mobile bill and contribute £15 to dinner.

Most people don’t gave £660 disposal income after all bills/food paid a month. What does he do with this money @I4gotmyname

How do they cope with food shopping at other times?

Thank you, I was just about to post the same to @PlayingDevilsAdvocateisinteresting His age (he'll be 18 in March) and his disability are irrelevant to whether or not he can afford to make a one-off payment of £15 to his mum to help her give him and the rest of the family a nice Christmas lunch. He can afford to do this. He isn't relying on pocket money - he has an income from benefits. How will he learn to use that income wisely if he thinks everything in life for him is free? He should be paying his own mobile phone bill out of his income too.

If you’ve invited them for dinner I don’t think you should charge for food. You could ask them to bring dessert maybe?

And def don’t buy alcohol - say “there will be X soft drinks, please bring anything else you’d like to drink”

Christmas period is totally different to normal time of year . I would not be buying gifts . If it was not Xmas. The food shop is different when it's not Xmas.

He's wasting it on shit. Vapes, crap from amazon , temu , take aways. Expensive skates . I think he pays for things for his friends. I'm not sure what else.

I haven't invited them it just happens 🤣

Personally, I would say that anyone who wants to drink alcohol has to bring their own (that seems obvious to me if you don’t drink alcohol and they are family you see regularly rather than relatives/friends that you are hosting as a rare occurrence so want to make a good impression by buying it specially). Otherwise your family will have to make do with whatever you are planning to drink - I think that’s pretty normal if they aren’t living with you?

The £15 for food is trickier - I’d tell them that while you’d love to host them for Xmas again you are only doing the most basic Christmas lunch this year due to cost of living increases. And if they want extras then a financial contribution would be really helpful -suggest the £15 and see what they say, but you might find the older ones will offer to bring the food stuff they want, that’s always the risk when asking for a contribution.

Sorry i didn't think. Adult ds lives on his own and he works on good wage. Ds 17 gets quite alot of money via pip and uc. Dd has 2 children . One with special needs

okay, given this:
Adult DS - contributes $ for Xmas meal and brings own booze
DS 17 - shouldn’t pay as doesn’t matter they get PIP and eat your food normally, as that’s what 17yo’s do whether they live at home or not, and is to be expected as normal. Charging a 17yo for Xmas meal is not on. 17yo will not drink so booze is immaterial.
Adult DD - should contribute $ and more than adult son if she will be bringing 2 kids who will eat the food also. Special needs are immaterial if they will eat the food, if they won’t and she brings their food then she should only contribute as much as adult son. Obviously she should also supply her own booze.

I was planning on giving my parents money for hosting (we do bring wine/champers, desserts and other homemade bits) and was thinking £100 (couple). I definitely don't think £15 is unreasonable given the circumstances!

It's OK if that's what 17 year olds do ... if the parent can afford that . But if that's how it's meant to be then surely it's OK he should start paying for his own phone? Why am I paying for his phone when he has a good income for a 17 year old.

So now we know from OP's recent post what her 17yr old disabled son spends his £660pm disability benefits on: "He's wasting it on shit. Vapes, crap from amazon , temu , take aways. Expensive skates . I think he pays for things for his friends. I'm not sure what else." So, he can waste his surplus benefit income on rubbish, yet you think he shouldn't have to give his mum a one-off payment of £15? Sigh. 🙄

I would stop paying for 17yo phone, that will help be a contribution towards food etc.

If you only get benefits why do they think your income should pay for everything, especially if you have other children at home too?

@HoppingPavlova why wouldn’t 17yo drink alcohol?

If you say you are not providing alcohol would they be able to get some themselves (apart from 17yo)

I find it a little bizarre the opinion you have with regards to your 17 year old. He is still a child- I don’t think he should be contributing regardless of how much money he has. You say that this is if the parents can afford it. But I disagree. I didn’t grow up well off but my parents supported me until I went through to uni. I worked part time and paid for my fees but never for food. With regards to his phone - yes he can pay for his own phone - but that’s really separate to Xmas dinner. Equally I would not be buying any alcohol - that would bring costs down and yes ask your adult kids to contribute. We all contribute in my family (adults do - not kids) expect my sister in law as she is still quite young.

I don't really want to push him to pay for his own phone. Although I probably should . But if I pay it I know its been paid and he always has data or want get cut off. I wouldn't forgive myself if something happend and he couldn't get hold of me due to data /bill not being paid .

Ok so instead of asking him to pay a 1 of 15.00 . Out of his 660.00 I should tell him to pay 26.00 per month so not a one of payment. That's OK though because it's not food.

Alternatively don’t host Xmas. I disagree with the idea that you should charge food for a minor. He is still your responsibility - personally I would still pay for his phone but it seems money is tight and you want keep mentioning the £660 that he has left over.

That would go down like a led balloon.

Well you clearly disagree so do what you think is right. A 17 year old is still a minor for me I wouldn’t charge him for food doesn’t feel right. My child my responsibility and for me to be perfect honest it doesn’t end when they are 18. It’s up to you in the end.

Just ask them OP, you don't need to come on here to explain yourself or have your life picked apart. You know your family, you know what would work best for your family so just do what you think is right and don't listen to all the judgemental people on here.
Christmas is a time of joy and happiness but for some it's a time of stress, depression, loneliness, struggling, pressure and suffering. You are rich in that you have a family of children who love you. I read something today which made me think about the whole thing, a lot of people on here would be better for thinking of this....

Someone you know is preparing for their first Christmas without their husband, wife, mother, father, brother, sister, daughter or son. Others are preparing for their last. Regardless of the specifics, remember that this season of joy is often times a season of sorrow for many. Be kind, be generous, give love, give help; if nothing else,
just don't give people a hard time.