Can I ask my kids to pay towards Xmas food shop.

[I4gotmyname]

Would it be bad if I asked my 3 oldest, to give me 15.00 each towards the Xmas food shop. And ask them to pay for the alcohol. As I don't drink.

I'm struggling a bit this year . Not to a massive extent. But a bit of help would be nice. I feel bad though because they are my kids.

Serious suggestion OP: presumably your 17yr old has a bank account that his benefits are paid into? Could you not help him set up a Direct Debit to pay his monthly phone bill? Then you wouldn't be paying it, but nor would you have the worry of it not being paid as it would be done automatically each month. Just a thought ..... 😊

Definitely support ds to set up a direct debit for his phone bill.

I do think this is different to a one-off payment for Christmas, because it's teaching DS financial responsibility. He's in supported accommodation for a reason, and part of this is usually because he's going to need help transitioning to adulthood. Starting to understand the purpose of his monthly income is an important part of this.

It's OK if that's what 17 year olds do ... if the parent can afford that . But if that's how it's meant to be then surely it's OK he should start paying for his own phone? Why am I paying for his phone when he has a good income for a 17 year old

To be frank, when you decide to have kids, you take on that you may have teenage boys who will eat you out of house and home at times. Part of a decision having kids is not that you can afford to feed a 3yo or a 10yo and that’s that. Then there’s contingencies for not being able to work and so on.

As to the phone, no idea why you are asking me the question? I don’t know why you pay for their phone in the situation you describe when they are transitioning to supported living. Part of this is setting up direct debits to pay bills and so on, so don’t ask me why a direct debit is not set up as I have no idea.

@crumblingschools why wouldn’t 17yo drink alcohol?

Because they are 17yo. Because the legal drinking age is 18yo. Because you tell them not yo and by that time you have built up enough respect for them to listen?

I told all of mine they were crazy to drink before 25yo due to the way the brain keeps forming etc. After 25yo knock yourselves out. If they know one thing it’s that mums medical advice is usually spot on and I know what I’m talking about with such matters. All of mine but one actually did that. So, now I’ve got ones that don’t drink, got to 25yo and couldn’t be bothered to start. Ones that started at 25yo and drink normally or not much. And my one rebel who started on their 18th birthday and is my wild child, but having said that is absolutely no worse than anyone who unfortunately drank through more formative years. Having no alcohol until 18yo did not make them lose the plot and go crazy at 18, nor did it with anyone in their friendship group who all did the same, which is the excuse people often give when it’s too difficult to parent their teenagers. And no, they didn’t secretly drink in a park before 18yo🙄. I recall doing the pick up from a bar when the last one of their group turned 18yo with a well behaved group who ‘let’ their newest 18yo have two drinks over a night given the lack of experience with alcohol.

It's not illegal for under 18s to drink in a private setting .

It's not illegal for under 18s to drink in a private setting

Sure, the minimum age for it being legal is actually 5yo. So, if you want to make that argument to (legally) give a 5yo alcohol because it’s a private setting go ahead. There’s no difference. 18yo is even too young, and the only reason it is thus is historical and the difficulty changing that. Try telling people they can go off to war at 18yo but not drink. Having said that I’m not a proponent of sending 18yo’s off to war either 🫤. If based on medical science and knowledge we have today it would be different, but as I said deeply historical so all too hard. It’s not alone, no way paracetamol would pass for general use if it was a new medicine today, but some things are too hard vs historical background. That doesn’t make it okay though, if having kids best interests at heart to encourage teenage drinking, or indeed drinking as a 5yo just because it’s actually legal in a private setting. It’s called using your noggin.

Oh well good on you for being the perfect parent. And having perfect children . Who would never ever before the age of 18. But you did extra well and they never drank till 25 . Well done you 👏

Was meant to say who would never ever drink before the age of 18*

To be entirely fair, ours had a drop of wine in their water on occasions like Christmas and other celebrations. As did DH and Inas children. None of us are raging alcoholics and all have a sensible respect for alcohol. It's common across the Continent which does not have the atrocious attitude to drink as here in the UK.

Oh well good on you for being the perfect parent. And having perfect children . Who would never ever before the age of 18. But you did extra well and they never drank till 25 . Well done you

That’s not really a rationale response. I’m not a perfect parent, far from it. Absolutely no parent is the perfect parent. If you read not all of mine waited until 25yo, one didn’t, against my advice. I also have SEN and physical disability/life limiting among mine, things have been far from perfect. And yes, actually, well done to me on this particular aspect. I am happy/proud about it, why wouldn’t I be? I wouldn’t have mentioned it but someone challenged me as to why you wouldn’t be footing an alcohol bill for a 17yo, that’s how it arose. You don’t seem to want advice though unless it fits a predefined narrative, which is okay to a point but odd when posting on a forum with a wide variety of people.

Fucking hell, what a bunch of nasty responses on this thread! YANBU at all @I4gotmyname and I think £15 is entirely reasonable. I'm judging the older two a bit for not offering a contribution off their own bats, they must know that you're struggling.

As an aside I wouldn't judge you for asking your 17 yo for a regular contribution, but I appreciate that it's your life and finances.

www.gov.uk/alcohol-young-people-law

As the parent of young adults you should buy the food.
It is not vital to serve alcohol.
I would not ask for financial contributions but perhaps suggest they could buy the crackers, yule log, chocolates or cheeses for Xmas just explain you are trying to keep the costs down this year and will be buying less.

I can't even be arsed to read your posts anymore.i litterly glanced at it.

According to the World Health Organisatuon, nobody should be drinking alcohol, adults or teens.

The World Health Organization has now published a statement in The Lancet Public Health: when it comes to alcohol consumption, there is no safe amount that does not affect health.

https://www.who.int/europe/news-room/04-01-2023-no-level-of-alcohol-consumption-is-safe-for-our-health

Some of the replies on here are bonkers. It's absolutely fine to ask for a contribution for Christmas dinner and drinks. Why wouldn't it be? Like most families/friends, you just muck in and get on with it. That could mean bringing food, wine or handing over a financial contribution to the day.

Why should one person have to foot the bill for everyone else? Especially when times are tough.

It’s basically people being unable to see past their own affordability.

Why even post and ask? You have argued with anyone that doesn’t agree with you and just been sarcastic.

You think it’s fine for minors to drink ‘as it’s in a private setting’.

You are fine with charging your minor & disabled child for Xmas dinner.

Go and charge then, go and get your £15 and be done with it as you think you are right. Pointless even asking.

So I just sit back and take crap of people I'm not allowed to reply.. and for the people who understand where I'm coming from I should reply to them ... oh no im such a bad person to ask for help. For food they will be eating. Sod that I'm struggling. Sod that I have children with special needs at home .

Half of this thread is about little digs because it gives people a little kick and makes them feel smug

I don’t see an issue asking them all to contribute £15 for the Christmas food shop. It can be very expensive.

I’m not sure why you’re asking though, do you think they will say no?

They won't say no. It's just i have never had to ask before. And I feel a bit guilty

Ask them to contribute. Leave it up to them how much they want to contribute. I think £15 is too little for the older ones. Hopefully, they contribute more.

There's alot wrong with me apparently