Can I ask my kids to pay towards Xmas food shop.

[I4gotmyname]

Would it be bad if I asked my 3 oldest, to give me 15.00 each towards the Xmas food shop. And ask them to pay for the alcohol. As I don't drink.

I'm struggling a bit this year . Not to a massive extent. But a bit of help would be nice. I feel bad though because they are my kids.

I wouldn't ask them for money no, but maybe they could sort the alcohol between them/buy what they want to drink....

You are not doing anything wrong to ask people to chip in. You are not 'charging' and I don't see why people are putting that spin on it other than they are a bit thick. It's very telling that they have not been in a situation where there is no extra money in the budget. Also lecturing you on buying gifts is pretty low.

In summary, I'm sure you're kids will be happy to contribute and wouldn't want to see you worried about money to feed them. And yes they should bring their own booze..x

It's sad that you have to be in a position that your adult children wouldn't even think to offer you something in the first place. My mum wouldn't dream of asking us for a penny, yet at the same time we wouldn't expect her to use a penny of hers - she's our mum!

If they are that self absorbed then I think it's fine to ask them to contribute.

The 17 gets uc and pip. If he was living at home UC would expect him to contribute. Regardless of his age.

(please note) although ds is not officially at home . He still spends alot of time at home . And uses the gas , electricity. Helps himself to food. He's most of his meals here . Plus takes food to take back to his accommodation. Even though I no longer get chikd related benefits for him

OK, I see we have different ideas of what a Christmas lunch is, what you've listed is a normal Sunday lunch to me, obviously with a different pudding

I’d be inclined to say ‘happy to host and pay for all food, but you kids all sort the booze between you. I refuse to pay when I don’t drink it. I also need a box of Celebrations, nuts and Pringles and some nice chutneys for the cheese board. Pick one each please.’

That way it easily works out at 15 quid ish each but they don’t have to buy food as such. I’m sure they have time between now and 25th to pick up wine and crisps and snacks.

Go for £30 in case they try to knock you down! And say that you won't be buying alcohol this year as you don't drink. They can afford it, so why not?

What an absolutely scummy thing to say. I'm sure you're trolley will be piled high. It's not just one meal is normally a full day of food/drinks/snacks... all this is more expensive that what you've detailed.

Plus you arrogantly assumed that OP has a very cheap supermarket nearby and access to a car. I have neither of these so food is more expensive.

Posters like you make me sick.

And you don’t have kids to get benefits for them.

You are his mum and should be covering all meals, heat and a home for a boy of 17. Specially as she’s disabled.

The older 2 are different as they are I presume both 20+ and don’t live at home.

My own son is on DLA and I will never charge him for food as I should be feeding him anyway.

17 year old living in supported accommodation will be having all their rent paid and only paying a personal service charge towards fuel/water etc.

They have money to spare yet come “home” and not only raid your cupboards whilst there but remove it to take back.

They are taking the mickey! Ask for Xmas contributions.

There's no reason they can't contribute and I'm sure they won't mind, especially in the circumstances. I wouldn't want my mum and younger sibling to struggle, if I could easily help out, for a valid reason (ie buying in extra thing for Christmas).

If they were a little bit older / more mature, you'd hope they would have suggested it themselves. YANBU, don't overthink x

Thank you for getting it. On such a blunt easy way 😅. That's exactly it. I won't stop ds from doing that. But Xmas is that much more expensive

Why ask if you think you are right anyway ?

I think you can probably do a nice Christmas lunch for £35. Turkey (Essentials) £15.00 (less if you are brave enough to go at 3.30pm on Xmas Eve (could you buy a chicken for the freezer just in case)? Pigs and stuffing £5. Home-made gravy (50p), spuds, parsnips, Carrots, sprouts £5, Mince pies and a Christmas Pud, custard.

Someone said there would be 4/5 of you? I think you'd get a turkey curry or pie put of that for Boxing day if you buy some onions, mushrooms, Leeks.

I think it's perfectly reasonable to ask your grown up DC to provide: crackers, satsumas, chocolates, crisps/nuts and a bottle of wine, a few beers and some pop, perhaps another pudding, and some pickles, ham and cheese for sandwiches.

I hope you have a lovely Christmas.

I bet the 17 year old would feel good about helping contribute to the family meal.

As an aside, your situation reminds me of the bbc sitcom Bread. I liked how all the family, although poor, pooled their resources and put money in a family dish, overseen by the mum. Sometimes it didn't always go to plan though
But yes it is/was obviously very normal.

My family and I share the load of the holidays - my mum hosts, and I normally do the food and booze shop, someone else will do the decor, crackers, mum will do the Turkey and other meat. This year my sister arranged the shop and I transferred her some money. We all earn well but it gets expensive and adds up! Whatever you end up doing I hope you have a lovely Christmas!

Your comment is totally illogical. If, as OP posted, they're all in a similar situation income-wise, why should OP fund everyone's Christmas lunch? What if OP suggested they take it in turns to host Christmas - do you think it would be fair on her DD with two SEN children to fund Christmas lunch for everyone? And if you don't think that would be fair, why is it fair for OP to face this burden?
And what difference does it make that her disabled son is 17? What if he were 18 in a week's time? That would make all the difference for you? His minor or adult status is irrelevant - he has a surplus income of £660pm and can afford to contribute £15 once a year to help his struggling mum put Christmas lunch on the table for the whole family. When times are tough family should pull together to help each other out. As a pp has posted, it's sad that OP is reduced to even asking her children to help financially - they should be offering.

I work and my mum had always been on benefits and I have funded all the xmas food since I was about 19. I haven't actually given it a second thought until now.

I would not even ask a friend for money towards a Christmas dinner that I was hosting.

Either I could afford it, or I couldn't.

If you can't afford to host realistically, how about scaling down the Christmas dinner so it doesn't cost over £45, rather than asking them for money?

The problem I have with people who ask others to contribute to meals they are hosting, is that often as the guest (whether I'm family or not), I've had zero input on the actual food being served. The host has been able to choose what foods are on the table, how much of each, and there's every chance I'm not actually going to like what's being served. I don't get a say and am expected to contribute to that. It's just not how I'd choose to spend my money.

If my mum asked me for money towards Xmas dinner, I'd tell her to leave it, personally. I'd rather spend the money on having the food I wanted, the way I wanted.

That being said, I'd be likely to offer my mum money towards it, if I knew she was struggling. Either your children are a bit thoughtless in this regard, or they're completely unaware that things are tight for you.

I'm a bit confused though because you say things aren't that hard up, but then thinking of asking a collective £45 from them all. Are you just doing it on principle? If that's the case, YABU and that's wrong.

@I4gotmyname my apologies. I've read all your posts now. I can see why they can't bring the items. In the circumstances I think it's fine to ask for £15 from each. It's a small amount but will cover the treaty bits. If they weren't going to yours, they'd have to spend much more.

Happy Christmas.

PS: I think yiu sound a great mum who obviously has had a few shit hands dealt but is doing her best to make Christmas nice.

I totally get you that if you are catering for others it can be a lot easier to ask for a financial contribution than for others to bring random contributions to the meal.

Not entirely sure what I think about the 17 year old, whether their payments are meant to be for specific things - but otherwise I think it's fair enough.

We've always chipped in in our family. With my parents and now with adult DC. But we're very much a from each according to their means to each according to their needs family, so the idea you have to shoulder all the costs based on your role in the family rather than what you can afford is very odd to me. If you don't want to ask OP or think they'll refuse, then maybe work out what you could afford to feed everyone, a big chilli, a buffet, chicken rather than turkey etc and give them the choice of the menu you can afford or the traditional one with all the trimmings if they can pay towards it.

Definitely tell / ask them to bring whatever they want to drink on the day. That will be a big bit of the budget taken care of. Maybe ask each of them to bring a food contribution? sausages, mince pies, whatever is on your menu that they could easily buy.

Don't buy these things then. No one needs cakes, sweets and soft drinks on top of their Christmas dinner.

If your Christmas shop is as expensive as it seems, and you're short on money, make it cheaper.

As for your 17yo, the issue isn't about £15 as a one off but it's about the ongoing use of your kitchen to stock his kitchen... I don't know your life so I don't know for sure that your resentment of that is reasonable, but it sounds as if it coykd well be.

My DH, DCs and I live five hours from the rest of my side of the family, so we do Xmas here while they all do a joint Xmas there.

My DMum and two DSis's each pay 1/3 to the total price of their Xmas, despite the fact my DMum is nearly 90, eats barely anything and doesn't drink. On the other hand, my eldest DSis's share covers her, her DH, two DCs, a SonIL and two DGC, all of whom have hearty appetites and are heavy drinkers (the DGC aside as they are under five!). My mum called me today distraut at the bill for this one day.

Not quite the OP's situation, but my point is you have to get DCs into the mindset that after 16 it isn't your responsibility to pay for everything.