Does anyone else love being a working mother and have no guilt?

[AnonymoosePoster]

I have four kids and have worked full time throughout their childhoods. For each I took 6-9 months maternity leave then went back to work. DH works full time too.

People say it’s hard, they don’t know how we do it. The truth is it’s brilliant. I love having kids, they are a total joy. I love my career that interests me and motivates me and pays for a good standard of living. I love the variety in my life.

I actually think I would find it much harder to be home full time or to work and have no kids and potentially no boundaries about ending the day and going home. Having both balances everything out. I cherish my time with the kids but sometimes breathe a sigh of relief when I get to work after a manic family weekend.

Does anyone else really quite like the life of full time working mum and disagree with the stereotype that it’s hard and you cannot “have it all”?

That's nice.

Nope - I never found that happy medium. Loved working but felt guilty often for not being there more.

Me. I don't understand this guilt we're all supposed to feel. I've never heard a man say anything like that either.

@Regalrosie i do understand that. It’s not that I never feel guilt. I do. But then I realise that for me I am a better mum if not around all the time. I don’t get irritable or snappy if it’s not my 100% and I have variety. So on balance I believe the pros and cons for the kids balance out.

You'll probably get torn to shreds here for saying that Op.

To be honest I'm similar. I have 3 DC and returned to work FT after each of them. Having the babies meant I had to work twice as hard in a male dominated field to be taken seriously. Each time I went back to work people treated me like my brain fell out of my head instead of I gave birth.

My choice to return to work was purely financial initially but actually I love it. Yes it's stressful and full on sometimes but we can take the kids on nice holidays, have a decent standard of living.

After having kids and on mat leave I was "just" someone's mum, the bum wiper, the cleaner. At work I'm a person who leads, gets taken seriously, has my own first name.

I think even if we won the lottery or suddenly became very rich, at this stage of my life I would have to do something and work.

I'm also not cut out for the full time drudgery of being a SAHM - it's fucking hard for very little reward.

I did feel guilty when I worked, but I think it was because I absolutely hated my career and having a child cemented to me that I was in completely the wrong career. I didn’t feel guilty that I was away from DC, I felt guilty that I was away from DC to do something I actually felt was a bit evil (I worked in corporate marketing - no shade to anyone who does that! It’s not really evil, it’s just not for me and I ended up having a strong reaction after years of forcing myself to climb the ladder).

Currently having a year sabbatical to be a stay at home mum before I go back to uni in September to retrain in a career I DO give a shit about and I do miss working a lot. I anticipate zero guilt when I go back to work/study. I feel fairly guilty now that I have the privilege of staying at home for a year and still send him to pre-school a few mornings a week so I can work on my writing. I definitely miss the income. I think come September next year I will be in the same place as you!

Your post feels gloaty and one sided.
how do your kids feel? Do you have lots of paid help or family who helps?

I don’t feel guilty for working, I love my job, but I haven’t worked FT until the kids are older. My choice and it works for us’/me. If you have 4 kids and a FT job I don’t believe you are able to spend lots of time with them individually.

I think you have genuinely found a happy balance for yourself op and it's all working for you.
I do notice in posts like this though it is all about the op not the dc and what's best for them.

Everyone will have a different perspective.
I work but work around dc and yet they may never appreciate that because it's all they know same with your dc, they don't know any different.
Dc are very compliant.
It also depends on how much research people do across all areas.
But I do know with two I don't find it easy to give both time.
However there is also argument about giving dc freedom to be who they want and that's easier with less parental presence and control.

@TouchOfSilverShampoo thats very much how I feel. And I agree with @StrictlyAFemaleFemale that the many men who feel like this are never told they can’t have it all, or they are damaging their kids, or that society doesn’t understand their choices.

Have your (not so) stealth boast post of the day award OP

I'm a primary teacher (and deputy principal)and my school attend my school so while I have always worked full time I have been home every afternoon and holiday with them. They did attend a creche obviously when they were younger 8:30-3 and one still goes to after school from 1:30 to 3.
I absolutely love my job and I am a much better person with the company and interaction it brings. I have spent 9 weeks every summer full time with my children and enjoyed every minute of it but would not wanted to do it all year round.
I feel no guilt at all for this.

I absolutely do think about the impact on the kids. And they are 18, 16, 12 and 10 now so I talk to them about it. They have always been happy and well adjusted and we are very close. I’m lucky that non have had additional needs or been upset by separation.

My relationship with my girls as teens (two older girls and two younger boys) has been enhanced I think. They respect my career and are proud of it and haven’t felt smothered or over protected. They call my a “boss girl” and ask about my job quite a bit. I have been able to keep good humour about the challenges of teens as it’s not my all day every day.

it’s not meant to be a boast but a push back at how society frames the life of a working mum and the shitty judgements others make about working mums.

I'm one of the rare people with a well-paid career that allows enormous flexibility, so i don't feel at all guilty - I get to avoid wrap around care, do loads of extra-curriculars with DS, and enjoy being a senior leader that gets taken seriously at work.

The only fly in the ointment is that I can't progess my career now till DS is secondary age, as I'd lose some of the flexibility, but that's a very small price to pay indeed for such a lovely balance.

I have it way easier than most, so I do try to give back to society in ways that others don't have time for (Cub leader, PTA chair, parish committees, charity events planning). Without that I'd feel guilty!

I don't feel guilty at all about working.

If I could click my fingers and make my job termtime only 10-2, I wouldn't.

I love my kids but being with them all the time would drive me crazy, I need the balance.

I don't feel guilty about considering my preferences and feelings - I matter too.

My kids are happy. They enjoy wraparound - for them, it's just more time with their friends. They enjoy spending time in holiday clubs too - we choose ones that suit their interests. I think they would get bored otherwise.

I do think we tend to have children who are like ourselves though. I like being busy - while it might be easier not to work in some ways, I think overall I benefit from having the structure of work. My kids also like being busy, they aren't kids who like being at home all the time. They aren't tired out by wraparound or holiday clubs.

Interesting to see others talk about volunteering - I also do this, school governor and trustee of two charities. I do notice that it is broadly true that if you need something done, ask a busy person..

Or the attitude that all women would stay at home if they were "lucky" enough to have the opportunity.
Absolutely no disrespect to SAHM because both choices are equally valid but it is not just financial reasons why many women work .

Good for you OP, sounds like you have the balance right. I went back to work when mine were a year old and financially and mentally it was the right decision and now they’re older it was definitely the right thing for us. Things did change post Covid and both my husband and I are hybrid which I think made a real positive impact too.

Also if you were a man nobody would question your life choices.

That sounds lovely. Lucky you and your lucky DS. It’s great you have time to give back. I’ve also been a school governor for much of my kids school career to give back and to feel involved with the school despite rarely being at the school gate.

I've worked part time and never felt guilt.

Stealth boasts? Gloating? What? No, the OP is asking a question.

To answer it OP. I didnt go back full time until my youngest was 2.5 years old.

I hated being a SAHM. I hated always being the "go to* parent,.cleaner etc..

Going back to work meant I appreciated it when I did get to see the children.

Now they're teens, I work full time in a career I enjoy and don't feel a moments guilt. Ever.

Agreed. My kids like being busy too and do a lot of stuff outside of school. I think they are used to seeing busy parents so just follow that lead quite happily.

I think when they become parents is when their experience gets puts into perspective..

You can work and be a role model but also work around them.

Well maybe this doesn't really apply to me as DH was a SAHF, but I am the family breadwinner, went back to work 3 months after DS's birth by necessity (although also loved my job/ career), and have never felt guilty in any way. I have provided a good life for DS and continue to do so. People don't ask men this question.

I'm with you. I work 0.8 in a very busy leadership and clinical role. I've nerve felt guilty. Kids are growing up nicely and understand that they are not the centre of the world and other people have needs as well.

Mumsnet can be funny. Women will post about feeling guilty and will get loads of replies saying they shouldn't but that the responder also feels guilty. Here OP states she doesn't feel guilty and some of the replies imply that she should!

Women need to be the change we want to see

I don't feel guilty for working, either, but then I can only manage part time due to stress levels.