Does anyone else love being a working mother and have no guilt?

[AnonymoosePoster]

I have four kids and have worked full time throughout their childhoods. For each I took 6-9 months maternity leave then went back to work. DH works full time too.

People say it’s hard, they don’t know how we do it. The truth is it’s brilliant. I love having kids, they are a total joy. I love my career that interests me and motivates me and pays for a good standard of living. I love the variety in my life.

I actually think I would find it much harder to be home full time or to work and have no kids and potentially no boundaries about ending the day and going home. Having both balances everything out. I cherish my time with the kids but sometimes breathe a sigh of relief when I get to work after a manic family weekend.

Does anyone else really quite like the life of full time working mum and disagree with the stereotype that it’s hard and you cannot “have it all”?

Yeah my mom had a tough job and I remember her as being tired a lot.

It's not all about them - it's a balancing act across the whole family.

I enjoy my work and find it challenging and the money benefits the whole family.

Because we both work - the kids spend about 8 hours a week in wraparound which they enjoy. And about 4 weeks a year in holiday clubs which they also enjoy. Why would I stop a career I love and which will give them lots of opportunities like support through university and a house deposit to avoid that pretty small amount of time away from me that they enjoy anyway?

I don’t feel guilty, why would I?

I have a satisfying and well paid job which is flexible when I need it to be. I’m there for most of the time they are at home (WFH most days and they are at school) and am normally there at most important big events, that’s the only time I fee guilty, when I have to miss a concert or show.

Most of our friendship group would feel the same way I suspect

It's a very English guilt. The language we use around working mothers is designed to be guilt inducing. And for that matter around stay at home mums too. I wonder why.

We seem to make it ridiculously hard for parents (and in reality women) with school hours that are so different to the working day. And such expensive childcare.

I thought this was an interesting look at this.

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/connections-posting-parenting-polly-watt-2gnsc?utm_source=share&utmmedium=memberios&utmcampaign=sharevia

Agree with you OP, I love my children and my job. I earn a decent amount even only working 4 days (I do a full time job in a shorter week), it makes me happy I can use my salary to buy them things and take them out at the weekend. My evenings are also all about them so I feel like I get plenty of quality time.

However, I also recognise that my employer’s flexibility allows me to do this and a lot of women don’t get that support. I’m very lucky to have female leadership who are in the same boat!

Wow, no one would ever ask a man this.

I also work ft, my kids are at school while I work. I'm the one who does drop off. I make dinner and spend a good amount of time with them after dinner and then I'm with them all weekend! I do the kids clubs also in evenings and weekends.

It's absolutely possible to love being with your children and wft, plus to enjoy working and also love having kids. Honestly I despair at the fact that on a supportive parenting forum a mum who works can't post saying she's proud for being able to do both without snide comments.

But what is the point of her post apart from gloating? Making others feel bad?
I genuinely don’t believe anyone has a perfect life sorry.

and yes I do wonder about tons of men why they had kids when they spend all day at work and the weekends at their hobby.

This will be nice for people to read who have guilt or doubts.

its extremely hard to continue to work and still show up and be there for everything children need. However if you can do both I think it’s very beneficial for children to see and learn from their hard working parents.

My oldest child is nearly 12 and it’s taken me by surprise how she’s started commenting on and being interested in my career and saying she’s proud. She’s started secondary school and has a tremendous work ethic and is very organised and self sufficient and hasn’t needed any input from us. I wonder if she’s just absorbed it as we often work from home late and weekends which isn’t unlike her doing homework in the evenings

Wow, you seem to feel threatened by parents who love having children, who raise them with love and care into wonderful adults and who also happen to work.

Well, not parents, as it's obviously only mums you're referring to.

What a bitchy post.

I work i feel no guilt but have not not thought that deeply to be happy about working i just work

Sure I like my job but it's a job, but I don't this dramatic society tells me how to parent thing and I am endlessly anxious about it thing I just get on with it

The point is to show women who constantly hear they can’t do it all, that parenting will impact careers or careers will impact parenting, that’s it doesn’t have to be like that. The point is to put it out there that women don’t have to listen to the dominant narrative and feel boxed in.

Do you ask the same question to fathers? Why do they not automatically become the SAHP?

I’ll give you the kids’ perspective. My mum worked my whole life. She was very successful- more than my dad. She was a great mum- when she was present she was there. Did homework with me, made my favourite food. I am now 40+ and she’s dead and I think I learned a lot from her. And no I didn’t feel neglected or second best or whatever. Yes, I spent some holidays with my aunts while my mum worked and in childcare but so what, big deal. She was a great mum and she and my dad did their very best and gave me every opportunity growing up. My mother always encouraged me to aim as high as possible and not to be reliant on a man (she wasn’t) and she was a great role model.

And yes I work and no I don’t feel guilty.

YANBU OP. I feel the same - even with a job I don't love so much right now, I am much happier being in a corporate role than being a SAHM.

Why? Because SAHM mode is SO much harder.

I adore my children , they are my greatest joy, but I am a much better mother for having a career and a sense of self outside of being a mum.

Ideally, we would all do what we most preferred without feeling any sense of guilt or shame. SAHM, part time/full time working mum's I have respect for you all because the reality is we are all juggling and all doing our best.

Then there's the real powerhouses - single mothers. Forever held in my highest esteem. 🙇🏼‍♀️

Oh give it a break now! It’s impossible to have it all! How much paid or unpaid help do you have for example?
i hate this outdated Sheryl Sandberg girl boss narrative that we should and can have it all. It’s not possible unless you outsource labour or use unpaid labour.

great for you that you have achieved it all, I just don’t buy it.

No, I would very much prefer to be with my kids tbh, but needs must 🤷‍♀️

I'd feel more guilty if we were broke because I wasn't working, so I don't feel much guilt about being at work. I think I'd become lazy if I was at home all the time (I know sahms are not lazy though, just know I would get that way without the routine of work). So working sets a better example to my kids

I feel the same as you! Have one little boy who’s 3 and went back to work PT when he was 10 months old. Went to full time and got promoted not long after and don’t get me wrong I’d much rather have stayed part time but we have more money and are generally better off because of it. We are lucky to have fantastic grandparents that have him often as he absolutely loves them. I don’t feel guilty, sometimes I wish I could be with him more but he absolutely thrives in a learning environment. He’s been with his childminder since 10 months and starts nursery next month and I’m excited for him.

I can’t relate to women who revolve their whole life around their children. Absolutely love my little family unit but I don’t make it my entire personality, I’ve managed to hold onto who I was before becoming a mother.

Of course you outsource labour in order to work full time and have a family. I’m not sure how that’s evidence against being able to make it work. Does a woman not have it all because she hires a cleaner or an after school nanny?

"Having it all" is just a meaningful phrase though, which personally I don't like.
But 'having children and also working' - absolutely, it's really very normal and doesn't have to be a huge deal.

I have after school care and a cleaner @SchoolDilemma17 but what I have is an equal partner, a DH who 100% pulls his weight. He’s on the PTA, answers birthday emails, buys presents, packs their lunches, and does as much of the mental load and has from day 1. When I travel I don’t have to leave him a list or freeze food. He is an extremely smart and intelligent man and he manages it all. Of course we are tired, parents of young kids are- we don’t really get much time together. And we both work once the kids are in bed. But our house is clean, the kids are happy, and our lives are busy but not unmanageable.

And that’s the household I grew up in. With a working mum. Busy but organised. And I was always supported to do what I wanted to do.

It's not a stereotype that it's hard. It IS hard. If you don't find it hard that's genuinely great, but it's not the case for everyone - you are an outlier. I'm a lone parent, I've always worked full time, went through the guilty stages when DS was a baby, now he's in school I still work ft but in a flexible job so I can collect him at 3. It's easier but still draining.

It's not as black and white as disagreeing that it's tricky for people, you can't apply your situation to the whole population and imply that everyone else is wrong. You've just found something that works for you.

But what is the point of her post apart from gloating? Making others feel bad?
I genuinely don’t believe anyone has a perfect life sorry

Are you reading the same post as me? where did she ever say her life was "perfect"? - thats your projection not the OPs.
She said she enjoys her work, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Absolutely noone has a "perfect" life, even if they stayed at home 24/7 and never left their kids for a second. There would still be problems from time to time because thats just life and we all have to navigate it in the best way for us.

Good for you OP! Nothing wrong with women excelling in the work place- we need it.

A couple of people upthread have asked for the perspective of the adult children. I'm an adult whose mum and dad both worked full time. I was a latchkey kid etc. I love and respect my parents and we have a really good, close relationship.

As a mum myself, I work part time (30 hours a week) and that's a nice balance for me.

Whatever works for each family is great!

I work 4 days a week but would like to work 3. I enjoy my job, like to have some space away from home and like having the money. However, if I had to choose between working FT, long days (I WFH now so don’t have to add in commuting time) OR being a SAHM with enough money that I didn’t need to work, I would choose SAHM. I’ve just started maternity leave and have already reduced my son’s nursery hours because I feel bad about him being there all day when there’s no need for it. I won’t take him out completely as I know it is good for him to go and be with other children and adults, especially in preparation for school next year. TBH I don’t think there is a perfect balance that suits both mums and children

Guilt is such a useless emotion. People that feel guilty about not spending every moment with their children maybe need to rethink the standards that they hold themselves.