Does anyone else love being a working mother and have no guilt?

[AnonymoosePoster]

I have four kids and have worked full time throughout their childhoods. For each I took 6-9 months maternity leave then went back to work. DH works full time too.

People say it’s hard, they don’t know how we do it. The truth is it’s brilliant. I love having kids, they are a total joy. I love my career that interests me and motivates me and pays for a good standard of living. I love the variety in my life.

I actually think I would find it much harder to be home full time or to work and have no kids and potentially no boundaries about ending the day and going home. Having both balances everything out. I cherish my time with the kids but sometimes breathe a sigh of relief when I get to work after a manic family weekend.

Does anyone else really quite like the life of full time working mum and disagree with the stereotype that it’s hard and you cannot “have it all”?

100% agree and I did say above that I on ow I’m lucky that my kids don’t have special needs or medical conditions plus o have a great partner who is totally hands on.

i was raised by a single mum who had to work full time so I have so much respect for women who are doing it all alone. I look at what my mum managed without any help and with a lot less money than I now have and I am in awe of her.

It’s never occurred to me to feel a second’s guilt about being a working parent. I don’t encounter that anywhere in my real life, and every mother I know works, bar those whose children have needs incompatible with childcare. I think it’s a pernicious fabrication designed to make women think that combining parenthood with a fulfilling working life should be difficult.

Thank you for this thread OP, that's so lovely and refreshing to hear.
As a very anxious first time mum to a 1 year old I feel guilty so much of the time and due to all kinds of anxiety I didn't return to work. I am still figuring out what my happy medium is - I worked hard to build a career and at the same time I always want to be there for my DC but it feels difficult to have both. For now, I'm a SAHM by choice and grateful for the time and space to enjoy my DC's early years but I really do feel torn about wanting to be there for these moments and returning to my career. Before DC I had always wanted four children but now that feels harder to achieve.. However I am inspired by your positive attitude towards balancing both and it is really so nice to read a positive experience.
Thank you for sharing :)

My kids have a fantastic work ethic and I think they really benefited from having a working mum. And from good child minders. They were far more experienced than me so got the benefit of her knowledge and experience while I was just making it up as I went along.

I agree that I don't encounter this IRL at all, which isn't surprising given that - despite the numbers that seem to be on Mumsnet - SAHMs are the minority these days and of those a lot will not be out of choice

Or the attitude that all women would stay at home if they were "lucky" enough to have the opportunity.

Yes, there is always this disbelief that some choose to work despite not needing the money. Not true in my circle though.

I work p/t & have zero guilt. I really like my job & colleagues. I tried being at home & wasn’t happy.

But to be fair, you see a lot of posts from SAHM who say how hard it is, how relentless, how no one understands what it's like being home with kids all day.

The reality is that having children IS hard work. Full stop. Especially when they're little. That's not an argument for saying 'don't try to work as well as being a parent!'

Personally I've always worked, returning soon after having each of my three babies. They've grown into fantastic, well adjusted adults who have a close relationship with dh and myself - plus, dh and I have good careers developed over many years.

How can you love having kids if you hardly see them?

🙄 How many dads are asked this?

I always wanted to work - both my mom and my grandmothers did (I come from a different European country). When I had my DD, due to my work permit/visa situation I could not extend my maternity leave so went back to work when she was 13 weeks (as most French women do). It would have been easier, I think, if we could have had 6 months to get some sort of sleeping pattern established, but it got a lot better after she was a year old.

During her early childhood and primary school years, I had very little guilt. Yes, I was away from her when I was at work, but I liked my work, I spent many years training to be in my career. I was professionally fulfilled and made good money, too. We were lucky in that she was an adaptable and social child and clearly thrived at daycare. Later, she liked school and her sport, so paying for people to take her to training and back while we were at work was the solution we reached for. We were lucky that there was good quality daycare available to us at every stage of her preschool and primary years - without it, we would have had to make difficult choices.

Confusingly, I find it more difficult now that she's a teenager than back when she was small. Where we live there is school streaming and selection from 11 and then again at 14. She is in an academically demanding school (~top 30% get in there), it's a state school and free but the most straightforward way to get into university in the country where we are. DD is capable but not a genius. I find that I go to work and then come home to help her study. Rinse and repeat. My DH helps too, but because the language of the country where we live is not a first language for either of us and because I speak it much better than DH, I help with more subjects than he does. This in addition, of course, to normal parental tasks such as shopping, cooking, laundry.

I think both DH and I are modeling for DD that striving for professional fulfillment is a positive thing. We both provide for our lifestyle. Unfortunately, it's possible that I'll lose my job or have to go part time in a year or so. She'll be almost out of the house then - what do I need that for? If I could have rearranged it at will, I would have worked part time from when she was aged about 11 until 18, full time before and after.

I don’t know if it’s helpful to divide into guilt/no guilt. I am a full time working mum to a 5 year old. I get a lot of satisfaction out of my (senior leadership) role and would never have wanted to be a full time SAHM. I don’t think it makes me a bad mum, far from it. But, do I feel guilty sometimes when picking my son up from after school clubs in the dark when he’s clearly tired and over it after a long day? Do I feel bad that he won’t be able to go to the school Christmas fair and that I might not be able to make his Christmas show this year? Will I find it difficult transitioning his little sister (currently pregnant) into long days at nursery at 12 months? Of course I will. There is always tension between parenting and work that isn’t flexible and I don’t think minimising this saying “I never feel guilty” is helpful for those who feel it.

How can you love having kids if you hardly see them?

If you would ask a man this don't ask a woman.

For me working makes me a better mum. I think I would struggle to fill the days as a SAHM. My LO is split between grandparents that adore him and nursery through the week. I do better with the structured day that I get with my job.
The responses on this post just show women will never have it all because other women love to bash them, be it SAHM or working mum.

Wouldn't ask a man. FFS.

So I'm not sure what I did 'wrong' that I couldn't make it work... but I do admire you in some way.

Dont see it as you did something wrong @penguinbiscuits, maybe it’s not right for you or maybe it was the wrong job.

Working full time & being a mum is the hardest thing ever. I never feel I’m giving enough attention and time to my kids. I’m sure they miss me. I’m beginning to realise you only borrow them for a short time

Good on you for starting the thread OP! Not everything has to be a moan 😊

I feel the same now, I haven't always. I was not in a great position with my career when DS was born and I worked my ass off/leveraged and strategically moved roles several times over a couple of years to get us to a more stable place.

Now, I'm in a role that's perfect for me, allows me plenty of flexibility, and balances well with my home life. I got so many pointed comments about 'neglecting my child' whilst going through the working my ass off stage - and now that I'm 'so lucky' ~ no, I figured out what I wanted our lives to look like and worked for it.

But what is the point of her post apart from gloating? Making others feel bad?
I genuinely don’t believe anyone has a perfect life sorry.

You seem awfully triggered by the OP, she never claimed to have a perfect life…

I think the problem is it’s easier for some eg my work is flexible, I do 3 pick ups and 1 drop off. They do do some external clubs but that’s by choice. DH does 4 drop offs & 1-2 pick ups as he is hybrid and has flexibility. We are both paid well & can outsource.

I prefer working part time, feels like a nice balance

I think it depends on your job. A lot of people don’t get paid enough to hire in extra support. I love being a working mum but I felt guilty that the children had such long days when they were little. Now they are teens and they get themselves home, it is great.

My career has definitely suffered a bit because I haven’t wanted to take on more responsibility or longer hours but having children has made me more efficient at work and I am able to switch off from work when I am at home.

How refreshing to read the first post. I had no guilt. I worked full time once my DC went to school. I was a much nicer person for not being stuck at home; the learnt to be independent and not rely on me for preparing their school bags. We explained to them what a difference my salary was making to the quality of our lives. Most of all, they knew that when they needed me I was there for them and I would stop whatever I was doing in order to give them the attention they needed.

I’ve done working FT, part time and SAHM, FT was great (and easier) when no issues with kids and good support network bit not everyone that lucky and can be a nightmare when you have a child who doesn’t sleep, sick children and no back up, no help with the kids meals etc, logistical/transport issues e.g. always stressing in traffic as to whether will get to kids in time

My DM worked FT (city law partner when it was very unusual) and I have never once as an adult thought I would have had a better childhood if she’d stayed at home. She would have been miserable, we’d have all been miserable. I remember my highly intelligent and utterly miserable grandmother too well not to know how it would have been. And I am cut from the same cloth. We discussed DH being a SAHD but never me being a SAhM. We have the same childminder now that we did when DS1 was 10 months old (he’s 12) and the DSs are thriving. What works best for everyone is the right solution.

DH and I agreed I would be polite to people who asked if I ‘wouldn’t rather be PT?’ In that snide fashion they often do when ANYONE had asked him the same question. Never happened. And yes, I can tell the difference between DMIL who asked with genuine concern and some of DH’s colleagues who were being snide!

I don't really understand this 'you never see your children' nonsense!

I am also full time with four school age children. I was part time when they were preschool but went straight back to full time the same month the little one started school. I work 8-4. My elder two cycle to secondary school and leave before I do in the morning, so I would see them no more were I at home full time. The little two get dropped off at breakfast club at about ten to eight. I would be dropping to school at 8:40 and so it's less than an hour less. But they are up at six, so I'm with them for two hours. They usually stay at school for an after school activity club like coding or crafting. They enjoy this and lots of kids of sahms also attend. I then pick the little two up at 4:15 and take them to whatever clubs they have and spend all the time with them until they go to bed. Then every weekend.

I don't feel that I would get a significant amount more time with them if I didn't work? And for that small amount of time, they get to do whatever music lessons or clubs or activities they want. We have the luxury of being financially comfortable and having some nice holidays and me sometimes saying yes to treats. So, to me, although it is hard and stressful at times, I just can't see why I would feel guilty most of the time?

There are occasions of guilt. This is usually when one is unwell and I have to go to work anyway (I really can't take leave easily), but they stay with my husband who wfh. I buy extra annual leave and so have almost all their holidays off apart from one week in Easter and three weeks in summer. I HATE those weeks. However, on a day to day basis, it seems efficient to me!

Would love to read the kids POV now and in 5-10 years.

My dad had the BIG job & barely saw him during the week but he was very hands on on the weekends. My mum didn’t work for years (dad also travelled a lot) but we had nannies and au pairs so it wasn’t my mum doing everything with us all the time anyway. I’m ok 😆

I’m not really sure what I should be feeling guilty about!! We both work full time, we could afford for one of us to stay home, but our child is about to start school so I’m not sure what the point would be and also we both like our jobs. In our household there is nothing I would change, we have a clean and tidy house, loving family, stress free, and enjoy quality time together. I can’t think of anything more I would want.