Does anyone else love being a working mother and have no guilt?

[AnonymoosePoster]

I have four kids and have worked full time throughout their childhoods. For each I took 6-9 months maternity leave then went back to work. DH works full time too.

People say it’s hard, they don’t know how we do it. The truth is it’s brilliant. I love having kids, they are a total joy. I love my career that interests me and motivates me and pays for a good standard of living. I love the variety in my life.

I actually think I would find it much harder to be home full time or to work and have no kids and potentially no boundaries about ending the day and going home. Having both balances everything out. I cherish my time with the kids but sometimes breathe a sigh of relief when I get to work after a manic family weekend.

Does anyone else really quite like the life of full time working mum and disagree with the stereotype that it’s hard and you cannot “have it all”?

So, by your logic, all men with children hate them?

HNRTFT, only OP's posts. I know that if I had four kids, some of them teenagers, and worked full time, I would be very unhappy. My time would be absolutely filled. FOUR children to talk to, give lifts to, write UCAS applications with, visit uni open days, console about the trials of teenage years, set boundaries, etc etc. And that's even after you've taken all the domestic stuff that you can pay for out of the equation. I would make sure the kids got what they needed, somehow, but how could I be a balanced person? How would I develop myself, my own interests? What about friends, exercise, hobbies? Or just stopping to enjoy something without rushing? I think I would actually feel that the patriarchal system had won, by making me such an efficient product of itself.

(And yes, I do think many men also fail to develop as rounded people, even if somehow they still find time for their hobbies.)

Would love to read the kids POV now and in 5-10 years

I was that kid. Both my parents worked. I adored them both and they were amazing, hard working, loving parents.

My mum was an amazing role model and a strong woman- I credit her with giving me the confidence to start my own business.

So there you go- a kid's POV of working parents.

It doesn't matter what society thinks about men and their careers. You are very happy with your choices. Your children may have a different view.

Here we go. You do you.

Your children may have a different view.

I would have liked my dad to be around more but he provided very well financially so on balance I’m happy with his choices.

@TreesWelliesKnees I think hobbies just matter more to some people than others and work is more enjoyable to some people than others.

I don't have time for hobbies really - unless you count reading - but even pre kids, I didn't particularly do any either. In many ways, my job fills the place of a hobby.

I think also as I have commented before in this thread, I think some people and I am one of them really thrive on being busy, it doesn't feel like rushing to me, I like it.

To be clear - I totally understand that other people feel differently, am just explaining how it feels to me

I have met a lot of stay at home dads in my line of work, I am never impressed by scarcely any of them as they seem to use the time to concentrate on their personal hobbies and their wife is still left with a lot of ‘admin’ responsibilities. Just ime

My mum was an amazing role model and a strong woman- I credit her with giving me the confidence to start my own business.

DHs mum was the breadwinner which was more unusual in those days & it’s definitely beneficial that he grew up in a home where the man did a lot around the house.

@kiraric im more productive when I’m busy too, it’s just how I’m wired.

Yes, I love it.

My kids are in school 9am-5pm. School ends at 3.15, so they have 1hr 45 of afterschool club a few days a week. Other days my husband can pick up early.

Meanwhile, I have a busy, fulfilling job working from home. I’m highly valued at my company and very well-paid.

I hardly think that it’s worth not having a career just to get an extra 1hr 45 mins with my kids on week days. Frankly I find it bizarre that some women won’t work under the guise of “spending more time” with their school-age children.

Everyone should do what suits them. But the ones that post on mumsnet trying to guilt-trip working mums… I always assume their lives are quite empty.

How would I develop myself, my own interests? What about friends, exercise, hobbies?

I struggled to fit this in when I was at home though & because the vast majority of my friends work I couldn’t do that much with them during the day. Plus I have friends at work. I never exercise on my day off, just socialise. What hobbies do you do?

I think 'having it all' really is more about finances than working full time.

It's easier to feel confident about being at work if you are incredibly happy with your childcare option and can afford what you need.

It's much easier to have a nice home if you outsource cleaning.

Not everyone working fulltime has that and can legitimately find it hard.

I guess that's the having it all v doing it all problem.

This is similar to me, only I went back to work when my baby was 4mo and DH jacked in his job to be the stay at home parent. I honestly skipped back to work with joy in my heart, happy in the knowledge that my baby was safe and well cared for.

I also had to travel a lot for my career; DS is now 19 and we're incredibly close, and when we've talked about how I wasn't around as much as his Dad he just says that it's given him a positive perception of working women and that he's proud of me and my career...so I'm pretty sure he's not damaged by it...

@kiraric Of course we are all different, thank goodness, and hopefully moving to a point where we can recognise that and respect each other's choices. But hobbies was the tiniest bit of what I wrote and not really the point!

Ok. I clearly misunderstood your post which I thought was about not feeling like working would allow you balance.

I was trying to explain that for me, a) work helps provide that balance, it's not something that hinders and b) that being busy doesn't feel like rushing to me, it feels like healthy energy which helps me to feel better and accomplish more.

I think 'having it all' really is more about finances than working full time.

I don’t think having it all is about juggling work & dc as most women do this. Having it all to me is the bullshit idea that a mother should be a CFO at work, exercise like an athlete, look like a supermodel, have a home Pinterest worthy, dc that are high achieving, sports and music stars, a husband in an equally powerful role, an amazing sex life, lots of time spent with each other, alone, family & an amazing social life with time for wider family and friends. I’ve never met anyone like this 😆

I’m in a 0.8 teaching role - FE sector.

I have a child who has moderate-severe ADHD and I feel like I need a fricking PA to field and manage all the emails I get from school about her behaviour, whilst also trying to navigate getting the right support, and managing her at home. Hunting down ADHD meds is like trying to find some kind of rare treasure these days. Trying to endlessly find strategies to get my child functioning well is like herding cats. Everything is a battle.

Another older child who has had various mental health issues due to neuro-diversity (not diagnosed). She is loads better, but we had a fair few years of full on issues.

I’m also introverted (possibly ND myself). Menopausal. Ever so slightly burnt out after 10 years of single-parenting (I’ve got a wonderful partner now who takes up a lot of the domestic slack).

I love my job but I am, quite frankly, fucking knackered. Psoriasis is flaring up, my teeth grinding at night is ramping up, SAD is in full swing. Working in education means a constant round of never-ending viruses/colds.

The thought of full-time work and bringing up 4 kids makes me feel like I’d end up in a straight jacket, so hats off to you.

I don’t feel guilty for working and never have. I just feel spread very thin and wish I had the energy or a magic support network to manage all of it without feeling like I’m treading water.

To have more energy left over to give my family as much attention as I’m expected to, or would like to.

I think every family situation is unique. OP, your situation wouldn't have worked for me. I simply would have been too tired and burnt out. I had two children and worked part time and that for me was busy enough.
However, my DH has one of those crazy jobs where he works ridiculously long hours. I was fully responsible for running the house and doing all the domestic chores. I didn't mind this but I don't feel I could have worked full time. Everyone has different stamina levels and maybe you have more stamina than me!
I strongly believe there's no right or wrong. Different set ups wotk for different families. We all do our best.

Lots of people don't feel guilt about their career.

In my experience the only people who make working women feel guilty are other women, not men.

My stepdaughters were clearly not damaged by my career. They have both followed similar careers themselves.

I agree @moonfacebaby and @SallyWD energy levels are a huge factor. I work PT and still take a rest in the afternoon, I'm always struggling with energy. By contrast my sister is a buzzy energy kind who has 4 kids FT job with big responsibility and goes running at 6am a few mornings a week. She is on multiple committees and coaches 2 kids sports teams. We are incomparable.

What frustrates me is high energy people take it for granted or take credit for it, never just think how incredibly lucky they have been.

We have the best of both worlds. When DD was little I was self employed and flexible. Just got a full time employed position and DH and I are able to stagger our hours so we don't need to use childcare, which is great. It does make for a very hectic hour doing the school run and making her tea, but that's the only downside so far.

Yes. I always worked, because I got bored at home. As do my adult kids now.

It’s also great role modelling for children to see both parents working outside of the home. 👍

I never felt guilty.

My friend did, she managed about 3 weeks after maternity leave and was then left to bea SAHM. She had to pay back some money and lost her car, laptop and phone. She is divorcing now, there was some resentment always from her husband as it was never the plan.

I suppose I was one of those high energy people as I worked, volunteered in the charity sector with fund raising doing committee work and have always had hobbies. It’s just now since I did my back in 3 months ago that I have lacked energy long term. The pain is debilitating and I’m restricted though it’s improved a lot over the last couple of weeks.

@Dontlletmedownbruce I am like your sister, I had a major awful health scare when I was in my early forties. One of my sisters said well if you die tomorrow you will have fitted in more than most do in a lifetime. I thought it was a bit off at the time but I suppose she was resentful.