Does anyone else love being a working mother and have no guilt?

[AnonymoosePoster]

I have four kids and have worked full time throughout their childhoods. For each I took 6-9 months maternity leave then went back to work. DH works full time too.

People say it’s hard, they don’t know how we do it. The truth is it’s brilliant. I love having kids, they are a total joy. I love my career that interests me and motivates me and pays for a good standard of living. I love the variety in my life.

I actually think I would find it much harder to be home full time or to work and have no kids and potentially no boundaries about ending the day and going home. Having both balances everything out. I cherish my time with the kids but sometimes breathe a sigh of relief when I get to work after a manic family weekend.

Does anyone else really quite like the life of full time working mum and disagree with the stereotype that it’s hard and you cannot “have it all”?

@kiraric Maybe your job is extremely well suited to your personality and fulfils a lot of your needs beyond the financial ones? I don't think that's true for a lot of people.

@Colourblinds Currently, I'm learning a language and doing pilates on my two days off. In the past I've taken a course in creative writing, trained for a half marathon, volunteered in a sector I thought I might move into. All stuff I'm interested in as a person beyond work and parenting. Sometimes it has a productive side, but the point is to enjoy it and support me to go back to the demands of work and parenting.

A lot of people have quoted and replied to this attacking me. It's pretty obvious that this is what the OP was waiting for someone to ask so she can explain why she's such a great mum who "has it all".

No I wouldn't ask a man that question because I wouldn't ask a woman either. But that was clearly the point of the thread so someone was as well to say it.

So no different to any other decent parent, then.

But you've made a thread to gloat about how great you are?

@ViciousCurrentBun yeah she probably was jealous. For me its a thing I've envied terribly all my life especially in my 20s but i am much more at peace with it now. I'll bet you never thought of it that way until she said it. My sis to be fair has never been judgemental of me, she compliments the things I am good at that she doesn't have patience for. She accepts how different we are. What really pissed me off over the years was other people's constant admiration of her energy and achievements.

Agree that men don't have mum guilt.

In my case I have "mum standards" such as must attend nativity, sports day, class mass if I can, most but not all of the things my child performs in. I also stressed myself out this summer making sure ds2 passed the 11+ but dh helped a LOT with that. I made sure I went to all the school open days and felt pressure to make sure my child got the best next step in his education even if I am super busy at work trying to get promoted.

Don't get me wrong I don't "love" work and I'd happily not work if I were rich. But then I'd use my time to travel, study, practice musical instruments, exercise, and volunteer.

I don't fancy the life of those who cut their working hours to pick dc up from school at 3.15. No judgement on them but it doesn't fit the idealistic image you see on mumsnet of spending quality time with the dc. It's just more drudgery on less money, usually because the mum has a rubbish job that doesn't pay (dont all jump on me, thats at our school) . The kids often go home and watch TV.

No one round here can afford the luxury of FT SAHM except for unglamorous mat leave or those on long term sick.

My dc have always done the usual exhausting round of activities which has got easier since they both do a lot of music and sport activities as school extra curricular and a lot of activities are after work time anyway. I do now pick DS2 up early because he's older and I WFH a lot.

I take leave during the school holidays and am working so we can have nice experiences as a family and the dc do fun activities as holiday clubs such as forest school and watersports. They also get trips and holidays with grandparents.

My work pays me the mumsnet 6 figures to work part time and is sufficiently flexible to do medical appointments with dc and I share all responsibility with DH who also has a busy job running a company.

Horses for courses. If someone on here wants to be SAHM and is either rich or prioritises that over other things that's their choice. I'm not judging and I don't think you should judge me for working.

That’s good you feel like that. Personally I hate that I had to work when my children were young and I hated my mother working when I was young.

But you've made a thread to gloat about how great you are?

🙄

@TreesWelliesKnees Ive done yoga & dancing consistently for years so I suppose they are hobbies but I don’t really see them as such. In the past I’ve done sewing course, baking, external qualifications, different exercise classes etc. I think because I don’t spend 15 hrs a week cycling I don’t think I really have a hobby 😆. I just do stuff as & when.

@Superhansrantowindsor did you mind your dad working?

Also had working parents, Including my mum who was a single parent.

It definitely did affect me that my mum was a single parent as I felt bad for both of us that my dad / her ex husband was absent. She had some struggles in work which gave me anxiety since we were a single income household , but I loved when she was in a job that she thrived in and enjoyed because she was intelligent and had worked as a teacher in her home country before kids and it made her happier which obviously affected me positively.

We also lived better as well in terms of having to scrimp and save less when she was working full-time.

So basically what I’m saying is the one big thing that affected me negatively was my Dads absence, not my mum working.

I work FT compressed hours, husband the same.

My favourite days of the week are my weekday with my son, and the three days he's in nursery. My least favourite day is the day he's at home being looked after by DH whilst I work!

Hard disagree. I've worked full time since 21. Mat leave was 3 months for #1 and 9 months for #2.

DH and I would much rather be full time SAHPs. We can easily fill up time, maybe with a local part time low stress job, when they're in school.

My possibly twisted feminist view is that is if i want gender equality (which i do) I have to "suffer" the traditional dad life of breadwinning, just like my DH. I'd hate to be sole income earner- why would i subject him to that?

We both despise corporate work, but on the plus side, both understand each others' stresses, and are equally involved with kids and the household.

We are happy but i'm saying work is purely for economic reasons.

Only scanned the thread, busy working mum and all that.

I've never felt an ounce of guilt either OP. Fortunately both my kids settled quickly at nursery and always went in happily. We both have very flexible jobs (I career changed before having DC with that in mind), so they're only do breakfast club once a week and after school club three times a week. We all have breakfast and dinner around the table every day (well we each miss one dinner to compensate for the day we finish early to do school pickup).

I frequently feel tired, stressed, overwhelmed with the mental load but I've never once felt guilty.

It drives me mad. I was a bright, academic kid. It was all "work hard in school to get a good place in college", "work hard at college so you can get a good job", "work hard on those professional exams to boost your earnings", "work hard at work for that promotion" all my life. Then I turned 35 and had a baby and got the head tilts because I was going back full time. Which of course DH, who earned less than me at the time, never once got.

I love my job, I'm good at my job, my kids are happy. Yes I'm tired and stressed but it's a charmed life really.

Likewise I was raised by a SAHM and had a lovely childhood. It's hard work. But it's not the hard work that I want to do, I know it wouldn't suit me. No one needs to feel guilty.

I think it’s great that you found such a happy balance. It’s probably what we are all aiming for!

I’d be interested to know what sort of jobs you and your partner do? Are they quite predictable in terms of hours, or flexible? Or so well paid that you’ve been able to afford extra support such as nannies? Do you have family help?

My husband and I both love our careers, but I have to admit that we have found it very difficult to find the balance you describe. Our children are much younger (pre-school), so hopefully things will get easier, but I often wonder why I’m trying to do by doing what feels like a suboptimal job of both work and parenting! Not due to guilt, but because it’s a struggle. Our work cannot be done from home and involves long and often unpredictable hours, which is challenging with childcare and there is no family back-up. We are fortunate to earn well, but definitely not well enough to pay for a nanny to work long hours!

I agree with what others have said in that finances are the key limiting factor for many in “having it all” - whatever they want it to look like. Lots of parents have no choice but to work FT to pay the bills. Others, like me, would love to do a better job of balancing career and kids, but are limited by the cost of the support needed to facilitate that. Those with grandparents on hand often don’t realise how lucky they are, and I envy our very high earning relatives with a nanny/housekeeper who does all the cooking and cleaning.

In an ideal world, I’d work three full-on days with my amazing help at home, and spend the rest of my time with the children. 💭

My mum was an older higher earner, and DH's was too. The seemingly perfect role model. Rare in the boomer era; both DM and DMIL now 80+.

I think i am very fearful (not guilty) being a working mother because we grew up like that. High achieving kids, high achieving mum, now both high earners. But our grown up relationships with mothers are woeful; maybe coincidental but our personal experiences scare me about repeating the cycle.

Likewise I was raised by a SAHM and had a lovely childhood. It's hard work. But it's not the hard work that I want to do, I know it wouldn't suit me. No one needs to feel guilty.

You've summed it well - children can thrive
whether their mums work or not. No-one needs to feel guilty whether they work full time or stay at home or somewhere in the middle 👏👏

I've said this before on here, but the phrase ‘Having it All’ can just get in the bin. I absolutely can’t stand the way it is applied only to women.

I have a very senior job and two primary aged children. I work 4 days a week and DH also works 4 days a week in a less senior but more specialist job in a similar industry. Neither of our jobs are deemed more important than the other even though I am the higher earner.

We have no family help (live too far away) and DC went to a lovely nursery attached to their primary school 3 days a week from the age of one (I took 12 months mat leave both times and it did not damage my career). They now go to after school club for 2 hours 3 afternoons a week which they love. We have a cleaner for a few hours every two weeks but otherwise don’t ‘outsource’ any life tasks.

I don’t ‘have it all’, I just have my life, which works for me and my family. The implication that every woman who has a meaningful career works 50 hours a week and never sees her kids or has a houseful
of nannies or family on tap for childcare is really frustrating. There is a middle ground, and I find i see it most often when the father of the kids doesn’t automatically assume that his job is the most important and therefore can not be flexible in any way.

I love my life. Four kids and always worked full time. Never missed a school performance or meeting thanks to the joys of flexible working. Never had a second of doubt about my choices. Neither has my husband.

Well yes - in your original post you have pointed out the advantages, but there are significant disadvantages for many. I think it depends on your own situation, your job, money and number of kids, age etc

Yes me too. I was at the nativity twice on Thursday and on a school trip yesterday.

I was just reflecting that no one would ever say "do you not love your husband?" if you said that you said you wanted to do other things than be with him. For me it's really the same with my kids.

You know what this thread says to me? That it's easier for those who are well paid, high achievers. That's all I can take from the posts here.

Many women are now the higher earners in a relationship. Shouldn’t be unusual.

Well, of course it is. So take your career seriously, find a job you enjoy and that is reasonably well-paid, and don’t have children until you’re in a position to be relatively flexible/manage your own schedule. That may not be a set of choices you want to make, or there may be factors like ill health preventing you, whether your own or your child’s, but given the same starting point of, say, a child with no additional needs and an averagely supportive partner, it will be easier for a 38 year old who’s senior enough to be flexible and well-paid enough to cover childcare than a 20 year old with no qualifications on an unskilled zero hours contract. Also, consider the impact of the number of children.

I never felt guilt at having a career while my kids were growing up.