4yo DD sleepover at uncles house?

[AEP123]

I need to know I’m not being pedantic or nasty.

DD loves her uncle, he visits mostly every other weekend. He’s offered to take her out for the day, fine by me I’m sure she’ll have a great time.

But then the subject of sleepovers came up. I’m uncomfortable with this.

I’ve based my reasons purely based on facts and statistics: child abuse is often carried out by male perpetrators who are known and trusted to their victims. This is enough for me to say no, I’m not comfortable with DD sleeping over his house.

For context, uncle is a single man nearing his 40’s who lives alone 40 minutes away, has no children and as far as I know, hasn’t been in a relationship.

I’ve discussed this with DH and he think I’m being extremely unreasonable. That he trusts his brother 100% and that I’m ’accusing’ him of something horrid. I’ve explained that I’m not accusing, I’m using facts and statistics to eliminate risk.

I also wouldn’t let DD have sleepovers at friends houses at this age anyway, he knows this but doesn’t think it’s the same because he’s family and he trusts him.

it’s left a horrible atmosphere in the house and I need to know I’ve done the right thing? I’d never want to put my children into that situation and would rather be safe than sorry - I’m sure many victims parents thought they could trust their child’s abusers before it came to light.

I mean, that could be said for him wanting to take her out for the day alone too. I don’t see any difference really.

@SouthLondonMum22

I mean, that could be said for him wanting to take her out for the day alone too. I don’t see any difference really.

There's a huge difference - spending time together when a child is awake doing fun stuff and making nice memories etc, vs her being asleep somewhere other than her house.

The difference is the child is asleep overnight so what's the benefit to the child to stay at his rather than having a lovely day together then going to her own bed to sleep?

Having a day out with a 2 year old relative is fun. Being silly and playing. Totally different when parents are. You can be the over indulgent relative without the parents saying no ice cream you will spoil your tea, watch you don't dirty your coat, okay that's enough silliness lets go, etc etc.

I think you're right to be wary. Tbh, it's a bit odd that he wants her to sleep over. Most uncles probably wouldn't want a four-year-old girl staying with them over night. Taking her to the park or reading her a story is one thing, but if a single, childless uncle wanted my four-year-old to spend the night, alarm bells would ring. Most adult men don't like children, full stop. A lot don't even like spending time with their own kids!

I've heard so many horror stories over the years that I trust very, very few men around young girls. The sexual abuse of young people has always been far more common than any statistic would lead us to believe. In my own life, I have known five different women who were sexually abused in childhood. None of them ever went to the police, so none of them show up in the statistics. I have also been repeatedly shocked and disappointed by men I thought were good but later turned out to be grooming underage girls, viewing indecent images, and so on. Go with your gut OP.

And think how often people begin a horror story with the words "I never would have suspected him, he seemed such a nice man..."

A sleepover doesn’t literally mean the child sleeps and nothing else though, does it? There’s the time before bedtime.

When my 2 year old sleeps over, they also spend time together doing fun things. It’s usually just at their house rather than a day out followed by dropping off at home.

@SouthLondonMum22

A sleepover doesn’t literally mean the child sleeps and nothing else though, does it? There’s the time before bedtime.

No but it means a large part of the time is sleep time.

So why not just do the nice bits before?

In OP's situation I mean.

You are not being unreasonable. You are doing the right thing saying no.

Then why do any children have sleepovers at all?

The next morning is a nice opportunity for more time together doing nice things too.

@SouthLondonMum22 Any situation you carry out quick risk benefit analysis. A 4 year old sleeping over at a lone uncles house and having breakfast the next morning, has too high risk for any potential benefits.

Taking out a 4 year old alone for the day would surely be considered high risk too? That’s where my confusion comes from.

Sexual abuse doesn’t only happen at sleepovers.

Quite. I wouldn't allow our daughters to do that either.

Abusers groom entire families.

YANBU. Stick to your guns. My DC will not have sleepovers until they are much older. Mine wouldn't like to be away from me or DH overnight anyway.

Why exactly does any man keep asking to be left alone with a little girl?

Sleepovers are unnecessary.
I would say no too.

This is important.

Yes, totally true.

If abusers were obvious, no children would be abused.

@CandyMaker

Two year olds do not tend to just stay with an adult relative for a sleepover. Literally the only difference between spending the day with her and a sleepover is the personal care side. I would be very wary.

Adult relative as in a man or woman or both?

My brother will take my 12 and 14 year old daughters out on his own now. It does seem weird that he wants to and doesn't have his own kids but he's always done that since they were babies. He likes to be out of the house plus he has dogs. Sometimes he will pick them up if they are out and I find it weird telling their friend's mums that my brother will collect etc as it's not that usual.

They talk to me about all sorts so if he was ever weird with them or they were uncomfortable they would say.

Meant to highlight the quote in that first post.

Quite the Paedo next door was utterly charming to all of us.

NO man on this earth can be trusted 100%. Unfortunately girls can even be abused by their own fathers or brothers.

You have done the right thing. In fact I wouldn’t even allow the day out alone.