4yo DD sleepover at uncles house?

[AEP123]

I need to know I’m not being pedantic or nasty.

DD loves her uncle, he visits mostly every other weekend. He’s offered to take her out for the day, fine by me I’m sure she’ll have a great time.

But then the subject of sleepovers came up. I’m uncomfortable with this.

I’ve based my reasons purely based on facts and statistics: child abuse is often carried out by male perpetrators who are known and trusted to their victims. This is enough for me to say no, I’m not comfortable with DD sleeping over his house.

For context, uncle is a single man nearing his 40’s who lives alone 40 minutes away, has no children and as far as I know, hasn’t been in a relationship.

I’ve discussed this with DH and he think I’m being extremely unreasonable. That he trusts his brother 100% and that I’m ’accusing’ him of something horrid. I’ve explained that I’m not accusing, I’m using facts and statistics to eliminate risk.

I also wouldn’t let DD have sleepovers at friends houses at this age anyway, he knows this but doesn’t think it’s the same because he’s family and he trusts him.

it’s left a horrible atmosphere in the house and I need to know I’ve done the right thing? I’d never want to put my children into that situation and would rather be safe than sorry - I’m sure many victims parents thought they could trust their child’s abusers before it came to light.

I don't think you are being unreasonable. Anyway I wouldn't let my DD stay at uncle's or aunt's unless they had their own kids and had first hand experience on kids.

No to sleepovers and no to the days out with her alone.

She’s 4!

He can tag along on your days out.

@AEP123 have you followed up with your DH?

I would only be happy with my DC staying with my mum and my sisters.

I completely trust my dad but I wouldn't let them stay with him (and he wouldn't want them to) for other reasons - he just wouldn't be good at dealing with them if they got upset or misbehaved or were ill or anything else! And it wouldn't be fair on them.

Same with my DH's family - I wouldn't be happy with them staying with my MIL, they do not know her well enough to be away overnight with her.

My DH might occasionally mention double standards but ultimately he agrees with me - he wouldn't want our DC to feel uncomfortable!

YANBU to feel like that , but I think the issue is the reason you gave. Basically, that your husband's brother might be a pedophile . That's why he reacted the way he has.

Since she's so young , I would've just said she's too little to be away from home overnight/sleepovers.

I was never allowed sleepovers anywhere as a child even teen.
Only at my mums parents with both of them present.
They were seemingly lovely salt of the earth people and grandparents so why would any one suspect....

You guessed it we were abused sexually for years and my poor mum and nan had no idea.
Sometimes it happened when my mum was there and in the garden and she would have trusted her dad whole heartedly and not many others.

I would love to say I trust my dad as he's the best man I know but experience tells me it really isn't worth it.
As you truly never ever know anybody.

Also the woman who said kiddy fiddler please that turns my stomach....

I don't know any man who would want a sleepover with someone else's child.Weird
Yanbu

Trust your gut OP. I would be saying a hard no to sleepovers such as this. You’re not wrong in what you say about statistics and your DHs and DBILSs feelings should never trump your protective instincts. They can deal with their feelings as grown men.

It would be a hell no from me too. I don't even think it's normal for him to want to have a 4 yr old sleep over with him. Alarm bells would be ringing loudly. I wouldn't care what other adult is offended. It is my job to protect my children, not pander to any adults ego.

WTF moments from childhood www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/5220514-wtf-moments-from-childhood

This thread is such an eye opener!
When it comes to the behaviour of men honestly.

She said I took my grandchild from her parents, I'll say wtf I want to her.she's a twat.

fanaticalfairy · Yesterday 21:23
“Why would anyone take an 8 month old baby away from their parents overnight?
Who benefits from that, not the baby, that's fine sure.”
I am also a grannie who has had my 6 year old granddaughter overnight often for a week at a time since 8 months ish. The whole family benefits, she has a loving family who shower her with attention and we get to see her grow up. We are very close and she adores her aunts and uncles. My daughter get some time to be herself and can save some holidays to go away as a family instead of having to take all school holidays off when I usually have DGD at least 3 weeks.

No chance and he should know better than to ask.

But factually the statistics on child sexual abuse are quite shocking. Especially girls, I think it may be as high as 1 in 4 girls are sexually abused before the age of 18.

The fact he wants to and asked. No no no no no no no no no no.

This.

Honestly this is strange. The usual reasons for a sleepover are that parents are going out late at night, so the child sleeps over to avoid waking them up and taking them back home. Or the parent is struggling or ill, so another relative had them to offer respite to the parent. Or the child is sleeping over with cousins or friends - other young children who will sleep in the same room and talk till the early hours of the morning. Or a holiday away, usually staying with grandparents. But this would normally happen at an older age, and further away than 40 minutes away.

Two year olds do not tend to just stay with an adult relative for a sleepover. Literally the only difference between spending the day with her and a sleepover is the personal care side. I would be very wary.

Yeah it’s a red flag he’s asking. So weird.

The whole idea of sleepover is creepy anyway. What will he do, give her a bath then watch movies all night? Get into her bed if she’s scared? Ew.

I also think it’s fine to say “we want her to understand not any lone man” and make sure she knows proper names for gentials. He should 100% if he’s not a creep.

Mine have stayed with grandparents overnight since babies. Not specifically for any reason, just because they wanted them.

Yes , because no married man with children has ever assaulted a child , then hiding behind his "family man "persona.

I think so too @Newsenmum.

@SouthLondonMum22 fair enough. But I see no valid reason for an uncle to ask for a sleepover.