4yo DD sleepover at uncles house?

[AEP123]

I need to know I’m not being pedantic or nasty.

DD loves her uncle, he visits mostly every other weekend. He’s offered to take her out for the day, fine by me I’m sure she’ll have a great time.

But then the subject of sleepovers came up. I’m uncomfortable with this.

I’ve based my reasons purely based on facts and statistics: child abuse is often carried out by male perpetrators who are known and trusted to their victims. This is enough for me to say no, I’m not comfortable with DD sleeping over his house.

For context, uncle is a single man nearing his 40’s who lives alone 40 minutes away, has no children and as far as I know, hasn’t been in a relationship.

I’ve discussed this with DH and he think I’m being extremely unreasonable. That he trusts his brother 100% and that I’m ’accusing’ him of something horrid. I’ve explained that I’m not accusing, I’m using facts and statistics to eliminate risk.

I also wouldn’t let DD have sleepovers at friends houses at this age anyway, he knows this but doesn’t think it’s the same because he’s family and he trusts him.

it’s left a horrible atmosphere in the house and I need to know I’ve done the right thing? I’d never want to put my children into that situation and would rather be safe than sorry - I’m sure many victims parents thought they could trust their child’s abusers before it came to light.

I agree with you I wouldn't be comfortable but saying that I'm also not sure that they are safe in the day either ... a day out could be anywhere couldn't it .. could go back home , could go anywhere if a abuser wanted to have the opportunity I'm sure they would do it regardless sadly
What a horrible situation I hope he understands your reasons , I completely do

Yea of course but you can't discriminate based on the fact that these things occur in general. Lucy Letby - female on a baby ward for instance

I think it is comparable as some people are attracted to jobs where they have access to children to abuse.

I think she is too young. To add the stats about pedophilia aren’t helpful or potentially specific to you. All of the circumstances about your bil sound like your are justifying your decision by trying to add to the potential of pedophilia risk which is pretty shit to your bil.

If less than 1% of men are oedophiles then 99% aren’t.

Perfectly fine if you don’t want her to go as she is too young but piling on to your bil is pretty distasteful and I completely understand your hubbys reaction.

Absolutely not. Uncle or not, a four year old should not be staying overnight alone with a single man - or any man or adult in that case. I know this gets tricky as someone might say well what about grandparents? Unfortunately I think any lone man is risky, it's just the fact and statistics that make that fear real. My 4 year olds only stayed over at my mums a few times, their gran, but that was it. I wouldn't have trusted any other relative, sad to say.

@dannimay
Would you trust your DD alone overnight with your DH and if so why?

I can not understand why he would want to - seeing her during the day should be enough

I was a childless aunt and I was keeping my niece overnight beginning at age 1&1/2, because her mother had commitments.
And if it wasn’t me in-town, my sister would drive over an hour to our parents so they could babysit for the entire weekend.
And miraculously, my niece is fifty with children of her own and nary a scratch from childhood on her.
We love my sister. And she trusted us.
It’s a thing with some families.

We use to look after have sleepovers with my nephew and niece from about 3 years. My SIL often worked the weekend so we would collect early evening Friday then return then Sunday teatime.
No children of our own at the time ( I didn’t realise we were red flags!) In fact my DH worked on Saturday morning so I was alone with them.

I'm with you, but I'm not sure I'd have told my husband I think his brother might be a child molester 😬

I'd have just said she was too young for sleepovers.

Absolutely never. Never.

Too little and too far.

My brother often had my dds stopping over from a few months old. His wife was there too. I don't think he would have wanted to have them on his own though.

It's hard work looking after a kid alone if you don't have your own.

Insanely unreasonable and this thread makes me so sad. I've just had my first daughter, and my three brothers are so excited and will be such amazing uncles. She is really lucky to have them in her life, and I trust them completely.

OP, you aren't making this decision on a population level. Statistically your BIL is higher risk, and if you were a large organisation making a safeguarding policy, statistics would be all you had. You're not a large organisation. You are a human being making a decision about another human being, and I think the approach you're taking is genuinely upsetting. Almost all men are completely safe. What do you actually feel about your BIL the person? Either you're making a sensible decision, in which case you have a really horrible conversation about gut feelings to have with your husband, or you're making an unnecessarily paranoid decision which is foreclosing your daughter's world and limiting a lovely relationship. You are the only person who can figure this out.

What’s so shocking about that ??? Ugh

I don't have kids and I find it weird af when anyone else without kids wants kids to stay over at their house. Sure, come for a day, even stay at mine with me while parent/s go out and do something, and then the parents come back and put them in PJs for the car ride home. But I have no clue about bedtime routines and there's no way I'd be changing kids' clothes or getting up in the night or getting up early. Maybe it's not weird for a woman who desperately wants kids to do it. But for a man to want to do it alone? Really, really weird.

Why does he want this?
Why is he pressing for this?
And does he KEEP pressing for this?
Why?

Keep saying a calm, clear repeated no. You do not want your daughter away from you overnight.

No.

Your husband is being an unempathic arsehole. He should be united with you - Yet here we are.

And your three brothers want to take your daughter over to their houses alone for a sleepover? No partners or anyone else in the house?

It's one thing to be an excited uncle buying presents or posing for photos. It's another thing to take a small child away to your own home alone overnight - no single and childfree man does that for innocent reasons and you're naive if you think otherwise. A lot of fathers don't get up in the night for their own kids, let alone volunteering for other people's. And they are actual fathers who know what to do if they had to, not a childless single guy. If I asked any of my single male friends I can imagine the faces they'd pull if they were asked to do it as a favour, they'd a) think it was something they didn't want to do and b) would panic because they don't know how to look after a baby or child.

Wtf? Noone needs to make anything fair to any of the other men in the family regarding access to their child.

Male relatives are either risky or they aren't. If sleepovers aren't allowed because DH's brother is a male then why would OP's brother (if she has one) be allowed? It would make no sense.

I would let them without question and the idea that trusting my brothers is naïve is so fucking tragic I can't even tell you. Also the idea that a partner in the house would make them safer. I've known them their whole lives! The relatively unknown partner would be the risk factor! I'm so sorry for the people on here who aren't able to see that this is not rational risk assessment. (And acknowledge that there are people who have reasons for that lack of rationality. We all risk assess for our own reasons and in our own way. Just so long as you don't pretend it's clear and obvious common sense.)

100% no but I have to be honest, I would not let him take her out alone either.
I never let anyone take my children out alone only their dad.
Not even with friends parents from school, you don't know who you can trust and once the damage is done it's irreversible.
I'm not saying this about your brother in law just in general for myself.

I was left with a trusted family member as a young child and turned out his intentions were indeed sinister.

What are you missing ? OP feels uncomfortable with it but she should let her stay over anyway to save an awkward atmosphere is that what you're suggesting?
Uncle should be perfectly fine and understanding with this.

but grandparents have had children
the uncle here has never had children.
has he?
so no unless you also stay