DH and DS think I "don't cook"

[BrokenOven]

In two separate conversions over the last few days, DS and then DH independently claimed that I "don't cook."

I don't exactly recall the conversation with DS. But DH and I were discussing whether to replace or repair our broken oven, and he claimed we don't need a new oven "because it's not like you cook, anyway."

I do cook. For them. Every day.

When I pointed this out, he hemmed and hawed a bit and then said, "Well, you don't need a fancy new oven, because you don't bake things like nice cakes or a souffle."

No, I don't have time for that. But I do cook supper for them every day and lunches on the weekend.

Just a moan, really.

DO NOT MAKE THEM DELICIOUS FOOD! If you make this, eat it all yourself.

Infuriating idiocy! No offence but that is just stupidity. They see you cook daily but haven’t seen you bake. So apparently you don’t cook?!

This.

An utter disrespectful arse teaching his son how to be a disrespectful arse.

He was asked to make sandwiches once every 4 weeks and couldn't quite manage it? Jeez. And he has the cheek to neg you about your 'non cooking'

I'd definitely be getting him the gift of a solicitors letter for Christmas.

So sorry, OP. It infuriates me how many men there are that are like this.

Interesting poll.

I've baked a medieval lamb recipe in a hay crust, attempted baked alaska, made homemade bread, jam, yogurt, ice cream and sausages (they were buggers to get even in the casings)
But never attempted a soufflé.

Get yourself an airfryer then

Brilliant gadget

That they make...

Well if he's that dismissive let him do the cooking from now on.

This is honestly awful, OP.

I would stop cooking for the ungrateful bastards for a month and explain why. At the end of that month I’d ask them again if they now accept that I cook, that they are sorry, and make clear that if they are so ungrateful ever again I will down tools again.

This really is a dumb thing to say by your husband and looks as if your son is following suit. Tell them to cook and see what they come up with. Sounds like your hubby has some 1950s notion in his head that real cooking means wifey at home making souffle and delicious cake for when the great breadwinner comes home. You may as well put a pretty bow in your hair and warm his slippers by the fire. Foot down and sit back and see what happens.

More to the point, he isn’t the one who CLEANS the oven is he?

@BrokenOven please get a pyrolytic oven, it’s amazing not to have to clean the oven!
Otherwise, agree that your dh has to do it from now on.

Seriously, he needs to remember that feature isn’t about cooking fancy stuff. It’s about making your life easier!!

@BrokenOven its not about what they said. Its about the fact they do not see you. They do not value you or recognise what you contribute. You are not appreciated and unless you do something about it - this WILL come back to bite you on the ass later.

Stop cooking for them both. Your boy will complain he is hungry so send him to his Dad to cook a meal. Or remind DH that son needs to eat so off he goes to cook the meal.

You should also step back from household chores and life admin as well. Let them really see you and get the true picture of what you do and do not back down until you get acknowledgement.

Remember, your son may one day grow up and meet a nice person he wants to have a romantic relationship with or he may end up having room mates one day. You want him to learn that others contribute and to value that. You want him to be able to recognise when he is taken care of and to acknowledge the person who does that or they will resent being taken for granted and he won't understand why the relationship sours.

I'd keep cooking for you and your DS as he food issues.

And as DH prefers to eat supermarkets dinners then he can carry on eating them all the time.

I'd probably ask him to have a check up with the doctor to make sure that the Ultra processed food is not affecting his health.

My family have fucked around and found out with this one, and are now completely traumatised by a small, quiet "ok" to these sorts of "you always", "you never", "you dont" statements.

I've only had to do it once or twice but I immediately stop doing/start doing exactly what it is that I'm accused of doing or never doing. I quietly take myself out of whatever little drama triangle was playing out and just accept everyone at face value.

It's aided effective communication, so rather than "you never cook", it's "I'm bored of repetition can we have something new?"

Nothing quite makes them backpedal faster than a quick "oh, ok" now though.

This is about so much more than an oven

And no, ice never cooked a souffle in my life

I haven’t RTFT but I’m going out on a limb. A “freezer tea” is not cooking. At home it’s referred to as, “ I can’t be bothered to cook so I’m just going to bung some shit in the oven. Do you fancy fish fingers”? And it happens two or three times a year.

Cooking uses raw ingredients and it’s healthier for you.

We have the same conversation, except it's utterly tongue in cheek. It's actually a convoluted way of them all saying thank you.

I think you need to "continue" not contributing too.

And it's obvious your son didn't conjure it up out of nowhere. This is what his father has been saying to him about you.

A freezer tea isn’t cooking. I was aware of this as a child when my mum served up endless oven chips, quarter pounders and beans.

I used to beg all the time for her to cook proper food. The was no adult whispering in my ear. My dad worked late and never ate with us.

Let em starve!!!

That recipe forgets to add the flour.

d) I have made soufflé, but not for at least 18 years. Maybe more.

We have a similar argument/discussion in my house. I say my DH doesnt cook - he puts frozen food (chicken, fish, chips etc.) in the oven to heat up. IMO thats not cooking.

Cooking is preparing something and takes a little bit of time time and a little effort - it doesnt have to be fancy.

@BaronessBomburst I was only including it for a joke.
However I actually do make souffles quite often - usually cheese which requires a flour roux but also chocolate ones. Chocolate souffles do not need the addition of flour
Usually it is melt chocolate and butter, beat sugar and egg yolks- when chocolate mix cools fold in, then fold in egg whites and bake in bain marie.

@BrokenOven Snide little fuckers. I think you should go on on a total cooking strike until they bake you the 1 PERFECT souffle and 1 cake every month for the next 6 months. And I mean total strike - no sandwiches, no lunchtimes on any day.

If you think they were actually serious in saying that, rather it being a wink-wink wind-up sort of thing, there is something chauvinistic and disrespectful about what they said. Too many men see women as their own little Dobbie the Elf .

@Cavello So many men enjoy their wives' salaries, but they also want her to undertake the standard homemaker role as well. Yet won't do it themselves

@YellowRoom Outrageous that you're not baking them daily souffles. How lazy and feckless are you. The gall of you wanting a functioning oven if you're not preparing nice cakes

😂I know!

I agree with this. And it's especially important for children with autism to learn how to show appreciation and to recognise other people's efforts and to respect other people's preferences - such as, that the person who actually does the cooking would deserve a nice new oven - because it often needs more clarity to get messages about other people's feelings through to them. That is not what your husband is modeling to him.

The idea that only some kind of "fancy" cooking counts is exactly what your child should not be learning from his father. Your husband is letting him down.